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Postby X_Smiler_X » Mon Oct 27, 2003 10:52 am

A blonde, and 2 brunettes are asked to stay on a desert island for 4 months, and are allowed to take one thing they think they can stay alive with..
The 1st brunette takes 3 gallons of water, the second takes loads of fruit. When it comes to the blonde she takes a car door. The others ask why a car door. she says "just incase we need to get off the island!"
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Postby Fidel » Mon Oct 27, 2003 12:17 pm

This is quite rude actually...............
A man is on a desert island with only a donkey. For weeks he's being trying to relieve his sexual frustartions on it but it keeps kicking him away.
One day he is woken by 3 bikini-clad beautiful women.
"master,oh,Master - what can we do to fulfill ur pleasures oh master!"
The man looks at the women up and down licks his lips and replies.
"Hold down the donkey while I get him from behind!"

sorry that was quite nasty but it's still funny

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Postby X_Smiler_X » Mon Oct 27, 2003 12:22 pm

Hehe, made me laugh!
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Postby smile » Mon Oct 27, 2003 12:56 pm

Please keep them clean, kids do use this site. Thanks
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Postby Fidel » Mon Oct 27, 2003 1:01 pm

Oh come I had to do that one!!! :lol:

Bill Clinton was walking along the road one day and written in the snow in urine was "Bill must die". Clinton phoned the FBI to find out who did it and within a week they got their results back.
"Good news Mr Clinton we found out who's urine it was!"
"Who's?"
"Al Gore's" said the Fed
"How is that sausage good news?????" Clinton asked
"It was Hilary's handwriting"

What do Spurs and a teabag have in common???

The teabag stays in the cup for longer
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Postby misatok11 » Mon Oct 27, 2003 8:14 pm

Dawn French was arresrted today for drug smuggling. When she was searched she was found carrying at least 10 lbs of crack.

A tramp walks in to a jewelers and casually start starts scratching his bum and rooting about down there. The jeweler walks over and says excuse me could you please leave. The tramp looks annoyed and points to a sign in the window which says "Come in and pick your ring in comfort."

Those are the only cleanish ones i have...
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Postby Fidel » Mon Oct 27, 2003 9:09 pm

I've heard that last one b4 a few times - must just be Scottish humour.
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Postby MelodyLinn » Tue Oct 28, 2003 10:01 am

Hiya.

I've never heard that one before Misatok11, ew lol.


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Postby Smiler_Princess » Tue Oct 28, 2003 11:05 am

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
"Because we can't call people without wings angels, we call them friends"

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Postby Fidel » Tue Oct 28, 2003 5:11 pm

Too celebrate 60 years of marriage Jimmy and Betsy go off and try to recreate their first time in a ditch beside the farmer's fence in a village near kirkcaldy. They took their clothes off and had the best sex in years.
"It was never like that 60 years ago!!" eclaimed Jimmy
"That fence wasn't electrified 60 years ago" replied Betsy
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Postby KoRn_Freak » Tue Oct 28, 2003 8:34 pm

What do Winne the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?

They both have the same middle-name
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Postby mariamaria » Tue Oct 28, 2003 11:58 pm

Some of these are quite good. I don't like the sick ones though. :-& I got one for ya

man to wife: you should really learn how to cook darling so that we can save some money and get rid of the chef

wife to man: you should really learn how to screw so we can fire the driver.

sorry, but i couldn't stop laughing when i heard it the first time :rofl:
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Postby Smiler_Princess » Mon Nov 17, 2003 1:25 pm

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."


:D
"Because we can't call people without wings angels, we call them friends"

"I never wanted to be different...I just wanted to be me"
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Postby Smiler_Princess » Mon Nov 17, 2003 1:40 pm

good good :wink: This aint a joke but some are funny:

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"


A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband *(use ur imagination)* with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Bless her lol...
"Because we can't call people without wings angels, we call them friends"

"I never wanted to be different...I just wanted to be me"
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Postby emma_leigh_2003 » Tue Nov 18, 2003 3:33 am

Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's Penis. Jim panics and Johnny panics and asks Jim what he could do?
"Call for a Doctor," screams Jim
WHAM! Suddenly in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box. Johnny goes in, and calls a doctor.

Johnny: "My friend has been bitten by a snake, what do i do?"

Doctor: "What kind of snake?"

Johnny: "A one-metre green and yellow one.

Doctor: "Aye aye. They are very dangerous."

Johnny: "Well what should i do doctor?"

Doctor: "Well the only thing you can do is to suck the poison out. Otherwise your friend will be dead within half an hour.

Johnny hangs up. Jim looking pale, asks what the doctor said.

"He said you'll be dead within half an hour." replies Johnny.


The three stages of sex life of a man......

Tri-weekly. Try-weekly. Try-weakly



Three Vampire's walk in to a bar and order drinks.
The first vampire asks for a Blood.
The second one asks for a Blood Light.
The third vampire asks for some hot water.
The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood, like everyone else?"
"Because." says the vampire, pulling out a tampon, "I'm making tea."
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