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Postby emma_leigh_2003 » Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:58 pm

Just remembered some more! Just hope there's enough room.

What are the 5 worst things about being a idiot?
1. They've got a hole in the head.
2. They've got ring around the collar.
3. Their next door neighbors are 2 nuts and an asshole.
4. Their best friend is a custard.
5. Every time they get excited they throw up.


A couple were in bed and the wife was getting horny, so she said to her hubby, who was a laundryman, that she'd like a quick rinse and spin.
"Too late, Honey," he said, "I only had a small load so I did it by hand."


What is the difference between a woman and a computer.
A woman would not accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.


What are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes you 7 min. To get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.


What do you call a 500 lb woman with a yeast infection?
A Double Wopper with CHEESE.

Whats the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling


I, the penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons...

*I do physical labour
*I work at great depths
*I plunge head first in to everything i do
*I do not get weekends off, nor public holidays
*I work in a damp enviroment
*I do not get paid over time
*I work in dark, poorly ventilated conditions
*I work in high temperatures
*My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

MANAGMENT RESPONSE:

Dear Penis,
After considering your request and assessing the arguments raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons,

*You do not work 8 hours straight
*You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
*You do not always follow orders of the management team
*You do not stay in your allocated position and often stray in to other areas
*You do not take initiative and have to be pressured and stimulated to start working
*You leave the worksite rather messy at the end of your shift
*You often fail to observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protection
*You retire well before reaching 65
*You are unable to work double shifts
*You sometimes leave your allocated position before completing the job
*And as if that were not all, you have been observed entering and living the work place carring two suspicious bags.

Sincerely

THE MANAGMENT



Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth
in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."



When blue collar workers get together, they talk about football.

When middle management get together, they talk about tennis.

When higher management get together,they talk about golf.

Logical answer.....The higher you are the smaller your balls are

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't...

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Edited by smile for profanity on 17/11/2003
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Postby smile » Tue Nov 18, 2003 7:48 pm

Keep them clean, remember that children do use this site.
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Just remember to keep smiling!
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Postby Jupiter » Wed Nov 19, 2003 1:26 am

ok its a bit of a limiric but it made me laugh

there once was a person from perth
who was born on the day of his birth
he was married they say on his wife's wedding day
and he dies when he quitted the earth
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Postby emma_leigh_2003 » Wed Nov 19, 2003 2:15 am

What not to say to a naked man!


1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?


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Postby Fidel » Sat Jan 10, 2004 2:07 pm

What's the difference between a Celtic supporter and a trampoline?

>I'd take my shoes off to jump on a trampoline

How do you know when Aberdeen are getting beat???

>When it's five past three.

An aberdeen supporter comes over and talks to a blind supporter with a guide dog. He says "Why is the dog barking?" The blind man replies "He does that to tell me aberdeen have the ball." "What does he do when they score?" asks the man.
"Dunno only had him a year"
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
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Postby depman » Sat Jan 10, 2004 4:32 pm

Like the 3rd joke :D
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
When the spurs go marching in

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Postby Fidel » Sat Jan 10, 2004 6:39 pm

Nah, the first one is the best.
I'd never get tired of jumping on celtic supporters
then when I'd finshed jumping on every tim I'd start with Ranger's supporters and If there's time maybe Aberdeen supporters (that won't take long). Unfortunately Hearts fans are too fat to jump on.
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
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Postby smile » Wed Jan 14, 2004 5:40 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Just remember to keep smiling!
smile
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Postby Fidel » Wed Jan 14, 2004 5:45 pm

That was voted Scotland's best joke!!

Ok here's one - Reports have said that the United States' NASA spent $3 million over 5 months last year developing a pen that could write on any surface, below zero degress and above 50 degrees. They have spent a large amount of money in ensuring it could be used in anti-gravity conditions and that it was durabel for the whole time an astronaut was in space.
The Russians use a pencil
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Postby markh » Tue Jan 20, 2004 5:40 pm

A woman phones her husband who is driving on the motorway. She says to be careful there is a maniac driving the wrong way. To which he replies what only one there are hundreds.
:D
Last edited by markh on Tue Jan 20, 2004 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
When all things in life seem blue,
And there's nothing you can do,
There is One you can turn to,
His name is Jesus, He loves you.

Don't look before you leap, you'll only decide to sit down.
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Postby Llisa » Wed Jan 21, 2004 5:13 pm

A truthful 'joke'.

There was an old man and his grandson sitting out on the back porch of a cottage somewhere in the back woods of Northern Ontario. The grandson said,
"Grandpa, our teacher told us today that there are two types of people in this world; optimists and pessimists. Is that true?" The grandpa thought for a moment.
"Well my boy, your teacher is right about one thing, there are two types of people in this world, but not as she says them."
"Then what are the two types of people grandpa?"
"Those who are Canadian...and those who wish they were."
:D
Cheers All
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Postby Fidel » Wed Jan 21, 2004 9:06 pm

Llisa, have you heard the Toronto song by three dead trolls in a baggie? If you want I'll stick the lytrics on it's quite funny
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Postby Llisa » Wed Jan 21, 2004 10:25 pm

Erm...I don't think so. you're not talking about 'You Belong Right Here' are you? Sure, send me a PM.
HE has all the answers

The wait for that perfect someone may be long and painful, but the payoff lasts even longer, and is the most painless thing in the world.
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Postby Fidel » Thu Jan 22, 2004 5:24 pm

The Toronto Song
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie
(from the album Con Troupo Comedius, recorded "in, like, 92 or something")

I hate the SkyDome and the CN Tower too;
I hate Nathan Philips Square and the Ontario Zoo!
The rent's too high,
The air's unclean,
The beaches are dirty,
And the people are mean!
And the women are big and the men are dumb
And the children are loopy 'cause they live in a slum!
The water is polluted and the mayor's a dork!
They dress real bad and they think they're New York...
In Toronto . . . !
Ontario . . . oh-oh!


"You know . . . now that I think about it, I pretty much hate all of Ontario!"
"Yeah! Me too!"


I hate Thunder Bay and Ottawa,
Kitchener, Windsor, and Oshawa!
London sucks and the Great Lakes suck,
And Sarnia sucks and Turkey Point sucks!


I took a trip to Ontario to visit Brian Mulroney!
He beat me up and he stole my pants
And he put me in a tree!
I went to see the Maple Leafs
And got hit in the head with a puck.


"Uh I don't even know how they did it . . . I mean, I was playin' the organ at the time!"
(And Alan Thicke sucks!)


Ontario . . . oh-oh-oh sucks.


"Come to think of it, I pretty much hate every gosh darn province and territory in our country!"
"Well except Alberta!"
"Oh yeah, of course I love Alberta! Lot's of cows, rocks, trees and dirt . . . mmmmoo moo moo!"


But . . . I hate Newfoundland 'cause they talk so weird
And Prince Edward Island is . . . too small.
Nova Scotia's dumb 'cause it's the name of a bank;
New Brunswick doesn't have a good mall!
Quebec is revolting and it makes me mad!
Ontario sucks . . . Ontario sucks.


"Manitoba's population density is 1.9 people per square kilometre! Isn't that stupid?!"


Saskatchewan is boring and the people are old!
And as for the territories . . .
They're too cold!


"And the only really good thing about the province of British Columbia is that it's right next to us!"
'Cause Alberta . . . a-a
Doesn't suck!
But Calgary does . . . !

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
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Postby Llisa » Thu Jan 22, 2004 8:33 pm

hahaha! I love it! That's hilarious. Beautiful! Reminds me of the book "How to Be Canadian: Even if You Alreayd Are." Hiarious. They don't seem to know that Oshawa is in Toronto though...and it's the Toronto Metropolitan Zoo, not the Ontario Zoo. But at least they didn't mention my home town! :D
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