Rape - From "Teenagers"

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Postby Lesley-Anne » Mon Feb 16, 2004 11:56 pm

sorry enigma i got a bit carried away lol :-?
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Postby Enigma » Tue Feb 17, 2004 12:01 am

Oh no, don't worry, I didn't mean it like that. Just that if you want input specifically about what happened to you then it would be best to start a topic for it.
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Postby depman » Tue Feb 17, 2004 12:10 am

I think you should report him he may do it again to someone
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Postby Suzie » Tue Feb 17, 2004 10:24 am

I know the difference between loving sex and rape and my sex life with James was really good and he too would hold me for hours without asking what was wrong, I used to feel so safe with him. He couldn't stop blaming himself for not being there to protect me, he couldn't have been though as he had moved away but he did come back, I just couldn't tell him it was going on (was scared of what people would think of me) He only ever wanted to protect me from being hurt and he feels that he failed in a big way. I tried my best to tell him that there was nothing he could have done but he has a very low opinion of himself as it is and I think that made it so much worse. Anyway I guess he doesn't have to deal with any of my past now, not now that we are split up :cry: Miss him loads. I don't know if I will ever find it easy to trust men after what I went through, guess it is just best to take things slowly
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Postby sovs » Tue Feb 17, 2004 1:27 pm

Rape is a subject that is worrying me greatly recently.
On the news last night they were saying there has been an increase of gang rapes in london lately and in Paris there are 4 gang rapes a day!!!!!!

There is something seriously wrong with the world.
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Postby saz » Tue Feb 17, 2004 2:02 pm

Rape is all about power and control. When it happened to me he wanted his own way and didn't like the fact that I felt confident enough to say no. Well this is how I felt about it anyway. So he went ahead and did what he liked. People who do things like that seem to reason it away by saying that the girl led them on, they knew she wanted to really and i didn't put up much of a fight either because i just wanted it to be over quickly.

The scary part was being locked into his car and the drive home afterwards. I couldn't get out in the middle of nowhere and that was the worst part - sitting next to him afterwards and him behaving like nothing happened. This is why i didn't report him. I was dating him and voluntarily drove off with him - my case against him was pretty weak really.

The other worst part is the fall out afterwards. I was really angry with myself for a very long time for being so stupid. I had to tell someone when i found out i was pregnant and it could only have been him. That was the worst part because i didn't think my mum and dad believed me, they thought i was making up an excuse what happened to not get the blame for falling pregnant. The reality was that i was pretty cautious about safe sex with all my other boyfriends. I was pressured into getting rid of the baby and i never told him or saw him again. But now i find it hard to trust men and also open up about my feelings in case i am not believed.
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Postby worstfriend » Tue Feb 17, 2004 2:21 pm

Saz,
that's terrible. When i was raped i was on the Pill. He refused to use condoms when he forced me, so i made sure i took my pill at exactly the same time (to the minute) every day. It's funny because when i went on the Pill i told my Mum and she went absolutely nuts (i was 14) but i'm so glad now, because it probably saved me so much heartache.
It was the first time i felt i was better able to care for myself than my parents were. I realise now that i should have just told them what was happening, but i don't think i could have coped with their reaction.

I don't suppose i really trust 'men', i'm just really lucky to have found someone i want to spend my life with. We were flatmates before we got together, and i doubt i would have taken the time to get to know him so well, if we hadn't been sharing already.

I'm very lucky.

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Postby saz » Tue Feb 17, 2004 3:07 pm

The power and control issues live with you for a long time after being attacked or abused and affect people in different ways. The fear of not being believed goes a very long way back for me, when i wasn't believed over something else very serious when i was little (apart from my mum who did).

Since then my mum has been the only person i think i can ever truely trust to believe and try and protect me, but i rely on myself more to do the protecting. I have never relied on a man to protect me because i think i can do a better job! Maybe i just assume i will be let down by people sooner or later. It has made me a bit selfish, i tend to look after no1 more than help a partner but having my daughter has helped change that slightly.

You are right about your parents reaction that for me was another horrible part of the situation - the look on their faces. My dad couldn't even bring himself to talk or look at me for a very long time.
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Postby sovs » Tue Feb 17, 2004 3:36 pm

saz you should in no way blame yourself.
If you were dating then you go out for drives and stuff in the country, that doesnt mean that you were partly to blame for trusting him.
I guess we put our trust in people to easily sometimes. When i first started dating stewart i went for drives at night and i put my trust in him and im glad he was a decent person but maybe we do put ourselves in danger without thinking.

Im sorry you had such a awful experience.
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Postby Suzie » Tue Feb 17, 2004 3:47 pm

When I was raped it was my boyfriend, and it went on for 5 years until i had the courage and strength to leave him cos he said he would kill me if I left him and I was so scared. Also he raped me and then watched while his friends did what they wanted with me and he sat there and laughed at what I was going through. When I got with James it was so different, he wanted to protect me from everything bad and he hated the fact he did nothing about what I had been through. I felt so safe with him and now he has let me down too, not inthe same way as I know he would never do such a thing to me, ever, he couldn't. I gave him everything and told him everything and then he left and I feel so let down and it has made me wonder if I will ever trust another man. I just don't want to be let down again.
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Postby saz » Tue Feb 17, 2004 4:06 pm

Buffy that is terrible what you have been through. Five years is a long time of your life and you are really brave to be able to open up about it now. It is hard for those around you because they do blame themselves for not helping or stopping it, but they shouldnt blame themselves.

I know what you mean about not being let down. What happened to you was total violation and i am so glad for you that you are out of that situation now. It takes time to put trust into others but maybe a part of you will always be kept inside because for me there is something precious that was abused and i wont let it be touched again. Does that sound odd? I cant explain it really.

Hopefully in time you will be able to trust and love again, you have already once after your experiences.
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Postby sovs » Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:45 pm

I agree with saz.
Buffy your experience is awful, not only were you raped once but repeatedly over a period of time. It must have been very frightening for you.
Try not to think that all men let you down because its not the case, although it sometimes seems that way.

We here for you, and anyone else who wishes to share their experience so please dont feel scared to talk as it really does help.

sovs xxx
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Postby Suzie » Wed Feb 18, 2004 8:40 am

I trust James still even though we are not together and i know that he will always look out for me, I also trust 3 other men that are really close friends. I just never thought that someone that is supposed to love you more than anything can do such a thing let alone watch their friends do it as well. I wish I had reported it now cos I would hate for someone else to go through what I did but I guess it it too late now as it is over a year ago since I was his girlfriend.

When I told James what I had been through he cried for ages I hated myself for telling him but he wanted the whole truth, In a way I feel that my past is the reason he split up with me and I just want him back as we were really good together, right now we are not talking as we are having the space we need after the relationship but it is just so hard.

Anyway thanks for listening to me going on and on, has helped loads :D
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Postby saz » Wed Feb 18, 2004 8:56 am

Dont blame yourself for any of this. Perhaps you still have unresolved feelings towards what happened to you. It wasn't all that long ago and perhaps your relationship came under some pressure because guilt on both your sides can do that.

One of my ex's (who i went out with after it happened) never came to terms with what happened to me, and wasn't supportive in fact he turned out to be a bully too and totally ruined my self confidence. I did need some help to turn things around and stop feeling guilty over what happened in the past. Maybe James was trying to be really strong but he himself might need support and when two people in a relationship both need support it puts a lot of pressure on things. By starting to deal with your feelings it will put you in a better position to enter a relationship, well that is how i felt a few years ago.

If you think that reporting it would bring you some justice and help you with the healing process then think about it carefully before making a move, and dont feel bad for whatever decision you make.

Good luck
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Postby mariamaria » Wed Feb 18, 2004 9:41 am

I would just like to add my piece in this debate :D

Rape is rape. It doesn't matter whether the girl supposedly "led the guy on" or whatever. Once she says no, she MEANS no and the guy should be able to understand that. It IS horrific that you hear about rape happening, but the world is a very evil place. Or at least, it can be. And rape is a very sensitive topic but you have to remember its not only the person that's been raped that needs help, it's the rapist too.

I sympathise with all of the women here who have come forward about their experiences with rape. I have never been through what you have been through and I'm sorry if this post sounds fake. I just wish that more girls...more than 10% of those that get raped, come forward about it and report these incidents.

To me, in a way, rapists are kind of like children. If they're allowed to get away with it once, they will get away with it over and over again until the law stops them and puts them in jail for it.

Maybe the fact that there was to be a physical procedure involved where a female doctor investigates the woman who has been raped, scared you? It would scare me but if it brought me justice, then I would go through it.

Sorry to have rambled on but I needed to say my piece.
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