Rape - From "Teenagers"

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Postby Suzie » Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:39 am

I guess James did need support too, I always said that if he needed to talk about it then he could I also told him that if he couldn't talk to me then he should toalk to his closet male friend who is like a brother to James. I just wish we could try again as we had really good times together and now I am dealing with everything that has happened and is happening now I feel that we would be in a much better position to start again.

I don't know that reporting it will do me any good to be honest, it was so long ago and there could be no physical examination so it would be his word against mine and he is such a good liar he would get away with what he has done. I am going to deal with what I have been through and try and let it stay in the past as I wont have him rule my life forever, he has done enough damage to me already.

Really helps talking to you guys though :D Thanks :wink:
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Postby saz » Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:51 am

Its OK Mariamaria i totally understand your views that it should be reported, but when in a situation it can be difficult.

The guy who did it to me was dating me, older than me and i didn't know much about him. He was a bit frisky from the start but i always held back because he did make me feel a bit uncomfortable but i was flattered that a guy with a car and money liked a 15 year old school girl. All my mates were jealous of my flashy bloke.

I used to go for drives with him he never took me anywhere apart from the countryside and he used to buy me drink. The night it happened i think he was annoyed and felt i was leading him on, because he used to drive miles to see me, buy me drink and then i used to say 'no' when he tried it on. I dont condone what he did at all but see how it happened.

Afterwards i felt stupid and like i couldn't report it. I only had his phone number and didn't know his surname or exactly where he lived - they would never have found him. I could just picture a court prosecution dragging up the fact that i had had boyfriends in the past and had led him on. He didn't threaten me or hurt me physically but it was the emotional side of it that hurt. Part of me wasn't even surprised it happened perhaps relieved that it meant i wouldn't have to see him ever again. If you read all the above doesn't it seem like it was all planned by him, totally orchestrated? That made me feel stupid that i never saw it coming.

I am not sure whether he would do it again but hope he never did. Part of me wishes i had reported it but i have learned to deal with it.
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Postby worstfriend » Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:15 am

I think the reason i didn't come forward was mainly because i believed my abuser and thought i would be branded a slut and not believed. Nothing was more terrifying, because i felt if i complained and he got away with it, he'd have won, and would be able to do anything he wanted to me.

I was abused by a member of my family from the age of five. The abuse only stopped when i was 12, so at 14, only 2 years later, i still had no idea what was appropriate and what wasn't. I'd never told anyone anything about being abused, and my abuser was only a few years older than me, still a child themself. I was terrified if anyone found out my family would have been broken up, and to be honest, it probably would have been.

The thought of an internal examination didn't scare me, it didn't even cross my mind. Because of my abusive past i had been raped twice before i realised that what had been happening to me for years was actually rape and not normal, and it wasn't until i was with my next boyfriend that i realised how serious it had all been. By the time i realised it was too late, six months had passed since the last attack. I was very aware that i was a sexually active fifteen year old with skeletons in the closet, and no physical evidence. I was already beginning to put it behind me, i wasn't willing to go back there to try and get a conviction.

Ultimately there can be no justice for what has happened to me. I was abused by a child, who was simultaneously abused by a very sick adult. The child is a close family member who i have since forgiven, which was my only option, since i couldn't face my family splitting over it. We have told my family and they have all sympathised with my abuser and have been unable to sympathise with me. I understand this, as they can't sympathise with us both at once. Everyone was immediately told about my abuser's hardship, but hardly anyone knows about mine, and they are shocked when i tell them. I am discouraged from discussing it, as no-one can deal with it. People find it very easy to be angry and hateful of rapists and abusers, but when they have their reasons, it is very difficult to keep the crime and the motivation in your mind at once. Occassionally relatives phone me and tell me my abuser is having a hard time with guilt and i must call them and tell them again that i forgive them. At times it can be very very hard.

My friends all know what happened, and can be supportive of my abuser and me at the same time, though i have faced disapproval for telling them, i have never tried to explain my actions. Despite doing everything i could to lessen the impact of what i told them, and prevent repurcussions by aving a positive attiude towards my abuser, it has brought a great deal of grief to us all. My partner is fantastically supportive. He likes the relative who abused me, seeing this person as a responsible adult now and not a terrible anguished child, but he is still able to understand my pain. What i need, what i think all victims of sexual crime need, is for people to understand and ease our pain without adding their own bile and rage to the pile.

One of the things that angers me most about this world is the attitude of people who say things like (of abusers) "they should be shot" and (of the abused) "you never get over something like that".

Abusers, horrific as it may seem, are people too. It would be very easy to brand them all sick, herd them into a prison and let them rot, but that's not what life is like. Nothing is black and white no matter how much you want it to be. Every abuser has a past a present and a future, they could be parents, siblings, children. The hardest thing to accept about those who commit sexual crimes, and the thing which i think is probably the key to their successful rehabilitation, is that to some extent or other, deep inside, they are just like you or me. Despite everything that happened when we were young i love the relative who abused me, very much indeed. They didn't hurt me deliberately, and they will live with the guilt, something i have let go of, for the rest of their life. Strange as it sounds we suffered together, and have that in common. We are dealing with it differently. They seek to forget, i seek to remember and learn from it, but we are still brought closer by our pain. Though they now refuse to talk about it, i know it is there, between us, and always will be.

Telling people they will never achieve something is not how to support them. You don't tell a fat person they can never lose weight, or an ill person they'll never get better, so why tell someone who has suffered rape or abuse that they'll never get over it? You WILL get over it. It might take five years, ten years, thirty years, but you WILL overcome this thing. The human spirit is an amazing and inspiring thing, which can triumph over almost anything. It is easy to slide into depression, and it is harder to climb out when everyone is telling you you should stay there.

I found the most empowering thing you can do when you have been a victim of a sexual crime, is tell someone. A friend a relative, don't keep it a secret, as these things are most powerful when they are kept quiet, inside.

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Postby saz » Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:40 am

I think you are a very compassionate person and i hope that those around you appreciate that fact, because it is a shame that they aren't so compassionate towards you.

It is easy to say that abusers are all sick and twisted, but often they were abused themselves, no one cared what happened to them and it goes down the line. More should be done to ensure that this doesn't happen, by parents and authorities. I see small children who are bullys and possible abusers who have been abused themselves and it makes me very sad and angry to know that they could also become an abuser in some way, whether it be violence or sexual abuse.

It is not good though that you are expected to not talk about your experiences and i suspect that it has made you a stronger person and is hard for families to be equally supportive, but maybe they consider you to be stronger and not in need of their support as much. Never feel bad for telling people what happened you hide and cover up for who did this, however much they are sorry and reformed they have to accept that it happened too. I see that as a big part of some problems, where abusers can be vulnerable and weaker than their victims deep down but try to forget it happened by not talking about it. They will never come to terms with it unless they admit and take some responsibility even though they had their own problems and issues too.
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Postby Llisa » Wed Feb 18, 2004 5:15 pm

I'd just like to say that I can really sympathize with you girls...I can't imagine what its like, and I hope I never get the chance, but I do know that if it ever happened to me...I likely wouldn't tell anyone. Even having strong views on it right now, saying that it should be reported and everything...when it came down to the wire, I likely wouldn't be able to say anything either :(
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Postby mariamaria » Thu Feb 19, 2004 1:01 am

I don't think that I can comment either considering that I have never been raped or have experienced rape in any form.....sorry.... :(
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Postby Suzie » Thu Feb 19, 2004 8:49 am

I hope you never experience it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The 5 years I went through putting up with it were the worst in my life, for 5 years I was scared of my bloke and what he would do next. Just hope that I can now start to put it behind me and try to start to get my life back, and also get the friendship back that me and James had together and maybe one day a relationship again :) and if I can do that then I can do anything I reckon :roll:
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