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Postby sparkly_star » Wed Jan 05, 2005 4:30 pm

I got sent this one today, thought I'd share lol

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

·Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

·Yelling at me for barking...I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!

·Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

·Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

·Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

·Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

·How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

·Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

·Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

·Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

·The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

Topic title changed by Enigma.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby sparkly_star » Wed Jan 05, 2005 4:42 pm

Here's another:

Male or female
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby sparkly_star » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:17 pm

And another....

Children of the 80s read this, it will take you back but be careful
'cause it will also make you realise that you are now actually OLD!!!!


You know you are a true child of the 80s when...

·Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.
·Um bongo, um bongo, they drink it in the congo
·You played with "My little ponies"
·Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken
·You read Nancy Drew, The Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley High
·You wore jellies
·You crimped your hair
·You watched at least 10 episodes of fraggle rock
·You remember when it stopped being fashionable to pull your socks
up to your knees
·You had all the different types of playdough
·You wore stirrup trousers with the stirrups over your socks
·You collected monster in your pocket
·You remember when the original gameboy came out from Nintendo
·You remember when the prizes were inside the cereal box
·Supersoakers
·You know what gummy berry juice is
·You've owned a doll where you crank the arm and the hair grows
·You know the words to "Ice Ice Baby"
·You wanted to be on "Jim'll fix it"

·You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery
·One of those t-shirts that changed colour with heat (global hypercolour)
·You were upset when She-ra, Princess of power and He-man got cancelled
·You can remember watching Saved By the Bell - the original
·You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince"
·You wore fluorescant neon clothing
·You remember MC Hammer
·You can still sing the rap to "Fresh prince of Bel Air"
·You own cassettes
·My little pony, gummy bears and transformers are more than
familiar to you
·You had a swatch watch
·You believed that "By the power of reyskull, you HAD the power"
·You spent hours building and rebuilding lego cities
·Big wheels and BMX's were the way to go
·You owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines
·You made Ken fall in love with Barbie
·You know what "Pysche" means
·Partying "like its 1999" seemed SO far away
·You knew that transformers were "more than meets the eye"
·You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space

·You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair
·You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish
·You had to change in to play clothes after school
·You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box
·Your arm was full of rubber bracelets
·You can still sing 1 to 12 from the pinball machine song on Sesame Street
·You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces
·Visors
·You still don't like going in the sea because of Jaws
·You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisioned in places
that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank
·Dungeons and Dragons was your favourite programme
·You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the
relative merits of Matt and Luke
·You did the top toggle of your coat up round your neck without having your arms in your sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero
·Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt
·You've had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix
·You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!"

·You remember dangermouse
·You wondered if we were forgetting his trusty sidekick Penfold!!!
·You remember Monster Munch when they were 10p
·Your best mate had a soda stream at home and you were jealous
·Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like supergran
·You remember crying on the beach building sandcastles in the rain
·Hide and seek, hopscotch, butterscotch, skipping, handstands, british bulldog, beano, twinkle, hula hoops, jumping in enormous puddles
·When compuer tennis, Pac-man and Donkey-Kong ruled
·You got up extra early , especially to watch Saturday morning tv

·Running till you were out of breathe. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Using the bed as a trampoline. Pillow fights. Spinning
around, getting dizzy and falling down made you have a fit of the giggles, being tired from playing
·Water balloons were the ultimate weapons
·You've po-goed or space hopped
·Conveyor belts regularly carried washing machines, deep fat fryers and a cuddly toy
·You didn't sleep a wink on xmas eve
·You remember when 25p was decent pocket money and you'd reach in
to a muddy gutter for 10p
·Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney- mo"


I so don't have a life lol
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby sparkly_star » Thu Jan 06, 2005 1:55 pm

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby sparkly_star » Thu Jan 06, 2005 2:03 pm

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked

1. No one ever steals your chair.

2. Gives ‘bad hair day’ a whole new meaning.

3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

4. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

5. So that - with a little help from Muzak - you can add ‘Exotic Dancer’ to your exaggerated CV.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

7. To stop those letches in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

8. ‘I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my trousers.’

9. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

10. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

..and (drum roll) the number one reason to go to work naked:

Your boss is always yelling, ‘I want to see your bum in here by 8am!’
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby Enigma » Thu Jan 06, 2005 9:08 pm

The man whispered, "God, speak to me."
And a meadowlark sang.
But the man did not hear.

So the man yelled, "God, speak to me!"
And the thunder rolled across the sky.
But the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said, "God, let me see you."
And a star shone brightly.
But the man did not notice.

And the man shouted, "God, show me a miracle!"
And a life was born.
But the man did not know.

So, the man cried out in despair.
"Touch me God, and let me know that you are here!"
Whereupon God reached down and touched the man.
But the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

MORAL: Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way you expect.
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Postby Enigma » Thu Jan 06, 2005 9:30 pm

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye.
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Postby sparkly_star » Tue Jan 18, 2005 11:51 pm

Heres another one lol

NEVER HAVE REGRETS!!!!
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be
just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't
like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.

11.Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby LME79 » Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:08 pm

If anyone has experienced problems with London Underground before, PM me your e-mail address. I have THE funniest mp3 that was sent to me.

If you've ever travelled in rush hour in London before you will really appreciate it.

WARNING: The mp3 contains strong language so if you are easily offended by such 'things' then don't PM me :)

Of course, the song is just a mickey take because transport in London is actually fantastic*

* This statement is not true.
I want to be..a tree..
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Postby dizzy_days » Tue Feb 01, 2005 12:23 pm

Questions that will always remain unanswered.

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
*Play*
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Postby sparkly_star » Sun Feb 06, 2005 1:19 pm

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and
I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be
on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"

His new bride said,
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************


Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and
his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************


Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby X_Smiler_X » Wed Feb 09, 2005 2:04 pm

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the
aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few
minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.




WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
Smile at life, and life will smile back at you.
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Postby X_Smiler_X » Wed Feb 09, 2005 2:07 pm

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails;Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Tastes like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Can you believe it?)
Smile at life, and life will smile back at you.
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed Feb 09, 2005 4:08 pm

Subject: blonde's cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.


hope you like
Dx
*Play*
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Postby peecee » Thu Feb 10, 2005 12:03 am

Send in a woman to do a "mans" job!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
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