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Postby sparkly_star » Tue Feb 22, 2005 2:36 pm

My friend just sent me this link: :lol:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bushmail.html#
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Postby sparkly_star » Fri Feb 25, 2005 12:08 am

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
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Postby sparkly_star » Fri Feb 25, 2005 12:18 am

FINDING IT HARD TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT? ...NOT ANYMORE!!!!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

3. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

4. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

5. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

6. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

7. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

8. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGEFACILITY

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
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Postby sparkly_star » Sat Mar 05, 2005 5:49 pm

Great truths

Great truths about life, that little children have learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great truths about life, that adults have learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5 . Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre not the toy.

Great truths about growing old
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2 . Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The four stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
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Postby sparkly_star » Sat Mar 12, 2005 7:22 pm

Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspiration Posters

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby dizzy_days » Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:58 pm

Another one!! Have a chuckle!!



True telephone conversations

> True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the
> U.K
>
> Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
> Customer: A white one...
>
> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
> Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
>
> Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
> Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
>
> Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still n
> my desk... sorry .
>
> Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left ?
>
> Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>
> Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
>
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill
> Gates damn it !
>
> Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
> 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
> of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
>
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
> Customer: No.
>
> Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
>
> Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
> Customer: It's not working.
> Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
> Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
> happening.
>
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> Customer: OK
> Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
> Customer: Yes
> Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
> keyboard ?
> ustomer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
>
> Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
> letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
>
> A customer couldn't get on the internet.
> Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
> ustomer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
> Customer: Five stars.
> I love it!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
> Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
> Customer: Netscape.
> Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
> computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
>
> Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
> Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
> please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
> Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
> Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
> hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
>
> Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
> Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it
> ?
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:11 pm

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He tells her, every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies. I want
bigger boobies"

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew
great boobs! One morning she was running late and when she was on the
bus she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She loved her new
boobs, and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle
of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any
chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" He leaned toward her and
whispered,

"Hickory Dickory dock"...
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:13 pm

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Text her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Help her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Pay for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Tidy for her,
Vacuum for her,
Dust for her,
Cook for her,
Make lurve with her,
Go the extra mile (or six!),
Drive while she sleeps,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Let her family stay as long as they want to,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Tell her what she wants to hear,
Clean her car,
Fight for her,
Win for her,
Dry her tears,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her (at least twice).
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked .. Bring chicken wings .. Don't block the TV
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:21 pm

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says"How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white,and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
*Play*
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Postby sparkly_star » Sat Apr 23, 2005 10:47 pm

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby arwen » Wed Apr 27, 2005 11:17 am

FW: The Human Mind

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it. Try it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers ina wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
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Postby X_Smiler_X » Wed Apr 27, 2005 12:14 pm

How about this one..

An ex-serviceman applied to the Post Office for a job as he had heard that they positively discriminated towards former members of the armed forces...



In the interview the Post Office Manager did indeed check the old soldier's service history and confirmed that this was viewed favourably. He then asked if the ex-serviceman had any disabilities.



"Well yes I do actually" said the ex-soldier "I was in bomb disposal and unfortunately a land mine blew my testicles off"



"Well, that won't stop you working for the Post Office" said the manager "in fact we'd like you to start right away. Our hours are 8.30 to 5.30 Mondays to Fridays but you can come in at 10.30 on Mondays"



The old soldier was puzzled by this reduction in hours and when he asked why it was so, the manager replied

"Well this is a Government job, for the first 2 hours of Monday morning we just sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
Smile at life, and life will smile back at you.
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Thu Apr 28, 2005 1:04 pm

Things to do in Exam Finals

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say ``oh geez, better get cracking'' and do some gibberish work.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming ``Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!''

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the surface integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, ``I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.'' Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, ``I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?''

8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say ``They've found me, I have to leave the country'' and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out ``Merry Christmas.'' If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat the process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up. For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc.)

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out ``Forget this!'' and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (e.g. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to get drunk.)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means that at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him in a very derogatory tone, ``The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!''

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling ``I'm here, the phantom of the opera'' until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for you right to take the exam.

31. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.

32. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise your're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment ``Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.''

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Do the exam on your laptop. Make sure the simulated keyboard noises are on.

44. Play frisbee with a friend on the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Start with your calculator, move on to your desk, your chair, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say ``it helps me think.'' Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase ``Told you so.''

50. Answer the exam with the ``Top Ten Reasons Why Professor Sussman Sucks.''

Edited by smile for profanity. Swearing is NOT tolerated on this forum.
Last edited by Something_totally_Wrong on Mon May 02, 2005 1:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby sparkly_star » Sun May 01, 2005 10:45 pm

Things to do in the elevator!! - Got to be barmy to do this mind you!!

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16.Tell people that you can see their aura.

17.Call out, "Group Hug!” and then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Mon May 02, 2005 1:58 pm

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchas necessary. Details inside.
(The Shop lifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(bit late for that now!)

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (hmmm....ya think.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and....I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Gee, ya think!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(step three - Fly Delta)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company for this, i blame the parents!)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Hello I'm MUNCH and you are?
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