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Postby sparkly_star » Wed May 04, 2005 9:05 pm

Chinese proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one idiot, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 11, 2005 11:42 am

This will make you chuckle!!



A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice
jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take
his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his
proud father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About
a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men
one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the JumpMaster.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said,
'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper
and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as
big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that
door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 11, 2005 11:42 am

An ex-serviceman applied to the Post Office for a job as he had heard that they positively discriminated towards former members of the armed forces...

In the interview the Post Office Manager did indeed check the old soldier's service history and confirmed that this was viewed favourably. He then asked if the ex-serviceman had any disabilities.
"Well yes I do actually" said the ex-soldier "I was in bomb disposal and unfortunately a land mine blew my testicles off"

"Well, that won't stop you working for the Post Office" said the manager "in fact we'd like you to start right away. Our hours are 8.30 to 5.30 Mondays to Fridays but you can come in at 10.30 on Mondays"
The old soldier was puzzled by this reduction in hours and when he asked why it was so, the manager replied

"Well this is a Government job, for the first 2 hours of Monday morning we just sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 11, 2005 11:43 am

A young blonde is on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wants to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but is very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors are asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouts, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper says with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde heads out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in frustration, she shouts

"DAMN ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 11, 2005 4:32 pm

Thats not all!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags -
riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building billy-carts out of scraps and then went
Stop speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark.

No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
Channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street cricket, and sometimes that ball really
hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law
suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.
We played knock-on-the-door-and-run-away and were actually afraid Of
the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
and you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real
kids,before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own
good. For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like
to read about us.

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and
the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have
never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they
were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films
from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team or the Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they
will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.
How true!
*Play*
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Wed May 11, 2005 4:55 pm

HOw many F's are there?



FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-

IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE

EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.










How many did you count? 3?

Wrong, there were 6. Don't believe it?
Scroll back up and check. Or scroll down
for the solution...





Our brains are trained to overlook the word OF.

If you saw all 6 Fs right away, you're a genius.

Most people see only 3 Fs. Some people see 4.
Last edited by Something_totally_Wrong on Wed May 11, 2005 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 11, 2005 4:57 pm

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

>>swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called

>>Christian.

>>

>>The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks

>>that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

>>

>>"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I

>>wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

>>

>>A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted",

>>and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian

>>immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

>>

>>Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a

>>shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away

>>whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new

>>menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

>>

>>While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he

>>thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a

>>prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo

>>and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears

>>of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and

>>bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a

>>prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

>>

>>Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't

>>see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

>>"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides

>>to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

>>

>>Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and

>>torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral

>>gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and

>>shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me

>>again."

>>

>>Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,

>>the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin

>>cried back:

>>

>>"No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've

>>changed."...............................

>>

>>

>>

>> "I've found cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
*Play*
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Wed May 11, 2005 4:58 pm

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud.



This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat




Now go back and read the THIRD word
in each line from the top.
Betcha you can't resist passing it on. LOL!
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Postby peecee » Tue May 17, 2005 10:53 pm

COMPUTER Spin Offs Of The "I Love You Virus"

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous email virus are now on the loose.

As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:

The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hardtoread messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.

The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions.

The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
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Postby peecee » Wed May 18, 2005 12:33 am

Chin up, old bean!! :D This could be you;

Doctor's Advice

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die." Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems. Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

She replied, "You're going to die."
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 18, 2005 9:51 am

A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, or any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.



Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him..........



On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said "hokay, take off aw your crows"

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now" said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room"

Having done that Dr Chung said "hokay, turn row and craw reery, reery fass back to me"

Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said "hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex"

Confused the woman asked! "what is Ed Zachary Disease?"



Dr Chung replied "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a*se!"
*Play*
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Postby dizzy_days » Wed May 18, 2005 9:52 am

A few Elder HumourThings we have to look forward to:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.



Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.



After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a few moment and says -"Where's my toast?
*Play*
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Postby peecee » Wed May 18, 2005 8:28 pm

So's this!

MENTAL HEALTH HELPLINE

Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
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Postby Liquidius » Thu May 19, 2005 8:16 am

lol, now that is funny! :D
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Thu May 19, 2005 12:55 pm

Lol, very funny, I'm just trying to figure out which number i should dial...
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