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Postby nothings_shocking » Thu May 19, 2005 4:39 pm

Something_totally_Wrong wrote:Lol, very funny, I'm just trying to figure out which number i should dial...

ha ha i thought that when i read it...i concluded with more then i thought lol
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Postby peecee » Thu May 19, 2005 7:19 pm

It's not funny - I'm still hanging on the phone, waiting for someone to answer me!!! :o :P

xxxxxx
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Fri May 20, 2005 5:58 pm

So I think that i may very well be all of them, so do i just press every single button on the phone? Lol, 12345678999.... hello? Hello? Can someone please pick up the phone???? Argh! I'm so alone!!!!
Hello I'm MUNCH and you are?
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Postby peecee » Fri May 20, 2005 6:18 pm

Hello, caller (stw) - who am I?
:P

xxxxxx
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Postby peecee » Sat May 21, 2005 11:12 pm

I tried to be offended by this one, but unfortunately... :oops: :P

DRIVE-THRU' CASH POINT MACHINES

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to the cash machine.

2 Wind down your car window.

3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6 Wind up window

7 Drive off



FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine

2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3 Re-start the stalled engine

4 WInd down the window

5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7 Attempt to insert card into machine

8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car

9 Insert card

10 Re-insert card the right way up

11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12 Enter PIN

13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14 Enter amount of cash required

15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror

16 Retrieve cash and receipt

17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside

18 Place receipt in back of cheque book

19 Check eyelashes in mirror

20 Drive forwards 2 meters

21 Reverse back to cash machine

22 Retrieve card

23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided

24 Restart stalled engine and pull off

25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles

26 Release hand brake
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Postby peecee » Tue May 24, 2005 12:12 am

TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY



HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

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HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:

England lost. Got a sh*g though.
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Postby smile » Tue May 24, 2005 1:13 pm

:lol: That's great! hehe
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Just remember to keep smiling!
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Postby Fidel » Wed May 25, 2005 2:11 pm

Here's a joke I got sent.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?



A. Never mind that, what was she doing out of the kitchen?
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
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Postby luvva » Wed May 25, 2005 2:17 pm

lol...I love that joke :)

Not sure why #-o
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Postby smile » Wed May 25, 2005 2:44 pm

Got sent this a whle ago:

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Just remember to keep smiling!
smile
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Postby peecee » Thu May 26, 2005 8:15 pm

LIPSTICK

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
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Postby LME79 » Fri May 27, 2005 12:10 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I want to be..a tree..
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Postby peecee » Sun May 29, 2005 4:43 pm

True story... :wink: :P
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Postby smile » Thu Jun 02, 2005 11:35 pm

Just been sent this:

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Just remember to keep smiling!
smile
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Postby peecee » Fri Jun 03, 2005 8:31 pm

lol, smile! :P Have forwarded that to my sister... :wink:

And here's one she forwarded to me.

Subject: Stress Management!


Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique that is recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See, you're smiling already........................
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