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Postby smile » Fri Jun 03, 2005 10:26 pm

Hehe, I like it. :D
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Just remember to keep smiling!
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Postby luvva » Sat Jun 04, 2005 12:33 am

Ooh...some really funny ones in here :)
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Postby nothings_shocking » Sat Jun 04, 2005 1:17 pm

Something_totally_Wrong wrote:Wow, I better stop doing that at my school then, shouldn't I?

Ewww, toliot water... yuck...

well it is better then kissing the cleaner... :lol:
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Sat Jun 04, 2005 8:10 pm

lol, true true... god, keep these coming, they're soooo funny, if my E - mail worked, I'd forward these, sadly it doesn't... but yup, keep em coming, 'cos I could do with a few more laughs...
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Postby arwen » Mon Jun 06, 2005 5:24 pm

This is nice...


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing
before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother
of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a
man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller
asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never
been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man
inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a
long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full,
he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
their best friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you
do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you
forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you
get? A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
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Postby LME79 » Mon Jun 06, 2005 6:02 pm

That's a really nice e-mail Arwen.......until it gets to the "this is why we forward jokes" guilt trip :lol:
I want to be..a tree..
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Postby arwen » Tue Jun 07, 2005 9:12 am

True, but at least it doesn't tell you to forward on to three zillion people within the next 8 seconds or you will be decapitated by a runaway train and have a bad sex life until the end of eternity etc etc. I really hate those. :evil:
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Postby Jess1234 » Tue Jun 07, 2005 4:16 pm

arwen wrote:True, but at least it doesn't tell you to forward on to three zillion people within the next 8 seconds or you will be decapitated by a runaway train and have a bad sex life until the end of eternity etc etc. I really hate those. :evil:


Me to they are always so annoying and completely false, who takes the time 2 make up all those stories? Its very irritating
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Postby peecee » Wed Jun 08, 2005 12:07 am

Well, there's no annoying moralising or happy ending in this one! :D

POLAR BEAR

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full blooded polar bear?" His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."

The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?" "Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear.."

"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?" Yes son, I'm sure."

"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little blackbear in me?"Yes, son, you're all polar bear

"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?" "No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these questions?"

The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my a*se off out here.
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Postby arwen » Wed Jun 08, 2005 12:13 pm

TOP TIPS

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flipping thing in the first place.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy. Watch their faces in the morning.

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

32 .Men - Don't waste time getting married & then divorced, just find a woman you don't like & buy her a house.
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Postby Something_totally_Wrong » Wed Jun 08, 2005 12:57 pm

lol, ahhh that is so funny... I think that half the people who are in the same room as me think I'm a little strange now, due to the fact that i burst out laughing half way through....

I like this topic, it always seems to cheer me up. :P :P
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Postby Krazycow » Wed Jun 08, 2005 1:11 pm

a few jokes i found.....

Stupid Men Jokes

1. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.


2. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.


3. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.


4. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.


5. Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?


6. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


7. I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?"
Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.


8. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.


9. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.


10. How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get, or how long it'll stay.




11. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.


12. Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the jelly out of you.


13. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.


14. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.


15. If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convienience
stores and drive-through windows.


16. Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.


17. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.


18. Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.


19. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.


20. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.


21. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


22. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.


23. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.


24. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.


25. How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


26. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.


27. Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.


28. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.


29. Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad -
a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"


30. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Postby peecee » Wed Jun 08, 2005 8:01 pm

Crazy Frog again! :-? Seen this?
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Postby lilessexgal » Wed Jun 08, 2005 8:18 pm

thats well good!
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Postby Krazycow » Wed Jun 08, 2005 8:21 pm

yah!!! thats brilliant!!! the farthest i got was 85....anyone got further? mmm....loving that game.....
The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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