Unrequited "lover" emigrating.........

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Unrequited "lover" emigrating.........

Postby digby1 » Mon Dec 18, 2006 11:29 pm

Dear All,

Please help with my dilemma! This is my first time here – and you guys and gals seem to give good advice, so I’m hoping you can help me!!

Basically – I’m a single gay guy who is unhappy that his best mate and his wife are emigrating. :cry: :cry: :cry:

Both he and his wife started off as just work colleagues, but all 3 soon became close friends – I often go shopping with her, and all of us all regularly go out for a drink/meal etc (I making the helpful – not, odd number). He has been a real mate and we have both been there in good times and bad. I think over the years, if I’m honest – I have stronger feelings for him, which have never been reciprocated and I know would never be… he is very happily married and although he has often laughed off my drunken flirting, he is 100% str8.

Although the emigrating is not a shock decision and they have kept me involved and included with the all the job interviews and arrangements etc, but now the clock is ticking and ticking and theory is becoming very much a reality. As a result, I’ve been a bit off with him and have found it very difficult to be positive about their good news. I went out with some mates the other night, and he came along… I was awful, kept on ignoring him and being dismissive to all his comments in the conversation. Jealousy and loneliness is what I am feeling – but I now feel guilty too. Guilty because I’ve been horrid, and although I’ve told them I’m not happy about the move for selfish reasons I have said (with fake smile) that I’m pleased for them! BUT I’m very mixed up, as I’m going to loose a really good mate, and someone who I’ve fancied for ages.

What should I do? Or am I just sad, lonely and bitter? #-o
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Postby Lorelei » Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:21 am

Friends emigrating can be very difficult for many reasons. The most obvious thing is that you'll really miss them. Furthermore you may feel left behind, which would be understandable as you've been a big part of their life so far.

However, if you can't be more honest with them before they leave, you may regret it. Have you considered opening up to them about how much you will miss them? They might understand your recent behaviour a bit better if they knew what a defense mechanism it was. If you part on a good note, remember you'll have a standing holiday invitation and keeping in touch is very easy nowadays.

Furthermore, fom your perspective, their leaving could even be a good thing. It sounds as though you have been very involved with them, almost like a third person in the couple (apart from the obvious.) Having time to re-establish yourself alone, as a separate entity from them, might give you a push to find a real romantic relationship for yourself, with someone who does requite your feelings.

Although it's a slightly different example, I moved to London over a year ago. An old and dear friend, with whom I have always had a very destructive and unequal friendship, was already living here. I spent a lot of time with her, and when she decided to move countries again after just a few months of my arrival, I felt very insecure. However, when she did leave, I was pushed into meeting new people and now have friends who are a lot more supportive and have a lot more in common with me.

In short, every experience may have positive sides.
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Postby SunBum » Thu Dec 28, 2006 12:20 am

I think the answer lies in the very title of your post,

Time to retune and let go !!


Mark.
Last edited by SunBum on Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby digby1 » Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:03 pm

SunBum wrote:I think the answer lies in the very title of your post,

He is only an unrequited Lover purely because of the fact that he never has been your lover or will be from what you have said in your post.

This guy is happily married and as you have stated he has never reciprocated any feelings towards you and knew that he never would....If that is not a BIG hint I don't know what is !!!

Ok they have been good friends to you but from your post I get the feeling that you have hung on to this friendship hoping that he would someday reciprocate some feelings towards you, which is clearly not going to happen. you have been blinded by feelings which are clearly not there from the other side...ie your Gaydar is knackered and needs retuning !!
Not wishing to have a go at you, Maybe them moving is a hint that they cannot live with you around....it's almost a menage a trois....or to think more recently, The Film "You, Me and Dupree" just watch that to see how a third person causes strains on any normal relationship.
Do you not think that may be the same here....???

So I think you need to get to grips with what is happening and move on..accept what they have done for you but don't get shirty with them, they have both been good friends and tolerated you being around, probably more so than most people would, they obviously know what you are and have not misled you in anyway....only you have done that to yourself in your false hopes.

You have said yourself you knew this guy was 100% straight so did you think you could turn him Gay overnight...??? You are a fool if you did !!! and how would you think his wife would have felt if he was tempted to stray with you...?? The Ultimate betrayal to her !!! Having read your post that was clearly your aim....More fool you for picking the wrong partnership in the first place...They will probably glad to see the back of you ( and no innuendos intended here thanks)
Be grateful they have been kind to you, Most people would have probably sorted you out long ago !!! I certainly would have ..!!! (and that is not in the kind sense either !!!)

Time to retune and let go !!

Ps....No I am NOT Gay or interested either

Mark.



OWCH!!!!

This is not me in denial.... but it just goes to show just how wrong some people can be?

They are NOT leaving cos of me, I do not spend all my time with them and although I do fancy this guy, I dont sit around like a live sick puppy "hoping".... get real!!!!!!

You clearly dont have a clue!!!!!
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Postby peecee » Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:20 pm

Hey, digby1.

It's the same as if ANY close friends were leaving. As Lorelei said, you should tell them you're being a bit narky with them because you're upset that they are going, and that you will miss them both. Please make sure you part on good terms, petal; you don't know what's round the corner, and if anything happens to them on their journey out, you'll never forgive yourself. I'm not being melodramatic, it does happen.

It IS a dreadful wrench, but you have to let them go, catch your breath, complain on here, and we'll help you get on with your life.

Let us know when they go, me dear. We're here for you.

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Postby crazy_in_love » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:10 pm

lol, well sunbum at leats you had the balls to sy what you relaly think,which doesnt happen very often on this website!! Sometimes the truth does hurt, but you post problems on here to here different opinions. I personally think that your in the wrong here, thes epeople are perfectly happy together, and most probably will be for a long time, and all you can think about is about how you feel and what you were hoping for. are you friends with them just because you fancy this guy?? I dont know what you were looking for when you posted this sight, i think you need to establish what exactly your upset about, the realisation that the guy of your dreams doesnt and never will want you, or the fact that you will be lsong two very good friends?
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Postby digby1 » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:24 pm

crazy_in_love wrote:lol, well sunbum at leats you had the balls to sy what you relaly think,which doesnt happen very often on this website!! Sometimes the truth does hurt, but you post problems on here to here different opinions. I personally think that your in the wrong here, thes epeople are perfectly happy together, and most probably will be for a long time, and all you can think about is about how you feel and what you were hoping for. are you friends with them just because you fancy this guy?? I dont know what you were looking for when you posted this sight, i think you need to establish what exactly your upset about, the realisation that the guy of your dreams doesnt and never will want you, or the fact that you will be lsong two very good friends?


Im all for saying what you think - and yes the truth does often hurt.. but sometimes get the wrong idea and go off into one and sometimes that just doesnt help.

To set the record straight... YES I do have feelings for this guy - but accepted YEARS ago that nothing would ever happen and I am not friends with them just to be hopeful..... PROMISE! I really have no problem with them, they have no problem with me... I am not a "third" in their relationship - we are all close friends and thats it. We do not live in each others pockets and if that was inferred, then Im sorry - perhaps I didnt explain it well.

What my conundrum is - I have 2 very close friends that are leaving and Ive been "off" with him recently as Im hurting. NOT for any SAD or pathetic sexual lust or for any other reason than I cant face loosing such good friends.

I feel guilty for being so "off" and stroppy with him - but feel I want to make the break before THEY go as I really cant face the weepy goodbye. I will never be able to travel and see them as I cant afford it and couldnt face the long distance of the flight. Last week I told her about the travel and money and also that my passport has expired and had no intention to have it renewed.... as there was no point. This was NOT well received - in fact she was very upset with me and he wasnt too pleased either.

Im screwed up and will have a big gap to fill. I hate the idea of being SO lonely and I suppose Im jealous tinged with a bit of sadness/??? Not explaining this well at all.............
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Postby crazy_in_love » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:28 pm

ok, im sorry, maybe i did misunderstand you the firts timw. I dont think that yu telling them that you have no intention of renewing your passport was the right idea, of course it would hurt their feelings. You are so sad about losing 2 friend but yet you are completely writing off ever going to see them? where theres a will theres a way. it sounds as if you are being selfish though.
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Postby all_apologies » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:33 pm

I don't think you should make a break with them just because you can't face the goodbye. These people have been your close friends for all this time, don't ruin that for the sake of avoiding a goodbye that lasts what, all of a few hours? A whole friendship is worth so much more than that.

What I'd suggest is that you just be honest and tell them why you've been off with them. You're going to miss them and that's totally understandable. It's also hard to take offence at - wouldn't you be flattered if you thought someone cared enough that they felt down at the prospect of you leaving? Make the most of the time you have left together, enjoy a farewell party/night out and you'll be more content in the knowledge that your friendship still exists even if it is over a longer distance.
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Postby digby1 » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:36 pm

You could be right???

I didnt say it coldly or with venom... I was just realistic saying that it wasnt possible to travel to NZ due to finances and also I had no intention of renewing my passport - as I only had 1 anyway for when he and I went to Belgium touring WWI battlefields.

I will never see them again - I was being honest and realistic. Unless of course they return to the UK. What's the point in being a liar?

I just cant face the teary goodbye and the gap they will leave. Possibly selfish - not done deliberately.... just not sure what to feel - other than guilt/frustration/lonely/upset etc... but I cant be positive about their good news..... but Im certainly not being obstructive - only yesterday they needed a credit card to help with their immigration papers and I offered them mine so it would speed their application up.

OOOhhh Im really mixed up!
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Postby digby1 » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:39 pm

all_apologies wrote:I don't think you should make a break with them just because you can't face the goodbye. These people have been your close friends for all this time, don't ruin that for the sake of avoiding a goodbye that lasts what, all of a few hours? A whole friendship is worth so much more than that.

What I'd suggest is that you just be honest and tell them why you've been off with them. You're going to miss them and that's totally understandable. It's also hard to take offence at - wouldn't you be flattered if you thought someone cared enough that they felt down at the prospect of you leaving? Make the most of the time you have left together, enjoy a farewell party/night out and you'll be more content in the knowledge that your friendship still exists even if it is over a longer distance.


Now that is some good advice!!!!! Im sure you're right.... I suppose with email it makes it easier to keep in touch etc... but I have told them of my feelings - not done drama queeny etc...

Food for thought. Thanx
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