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Postby Brighter » Wed May 02, 2007 11:18 pm

Recently I've been taking days off school, like 2 weeks ago, I pretended that I'd gotten up late so then I could miss my first 4 lessons of school (which only left lunch time and last lesson), I did this because I didn't want to face my best friend who I'd had an argument with the night before.
Today I didn't want to do my first lesson because I could not be bothered so I walked really really slow to school so I would miss the lesson.
And then the week before I was walking to school with my two friends, and I told them to walk really slow with me, and that we should stop off the park, so then we'd get to school about half an hour late so then we could miss a bit of first lesson, because I couldn't be bothered to do it either.

About a month ago, I tried a cigarette, when all my life I've been against smoking, and I've been brought up to hate it. My friend had a go at me for it, and I know she's right and that it was stupid for me to smoke, but I so desperately wanted to try it, because I'm so sick of being the goody goody in the family. I've never got in serious trouble with my parents before, and I just wanted to do something out of bounds. And after I tried the cigarette, I wanted another one.

I went into town on Saturday, and I stole something, it was only small, but afterwards, I thought what am I doing?

And, I keep being really harsh to my friends, and arguing with them, and I don't mean to. One of my friends who I was unsure of whether we were really friends because of the way she acted with me sometimes, and it had been getting me down for a while so, I decided to bring it up, and I spoke to her about it, and now things seem to be okay, but the reason why she got in moods with me is because I say some really harsh things with her without realizing it.
I told her that if I said other things like it, that she should slap me, because I didn't want to lose her friendship, but she said that she was just being oversensitive.
I've lost previous friendships because I've said to much, by either slagging them off, or saying it to the person's face. And I don't want to lose anymore.

And I have about 2 groups of friends, the ones which I'm really really close to and talk to all the time and I trust immensely and two of them I've known most of my life. And then the other group, who I have a laugh with and I do trust, but just not as much. And recently I've been hanging around with the 2nd group of people a lot more. And I don't want to! I like them and everything, but I just don't feel close enough to them like I do with my other friends.

I hate having to choose between my friends, especially since both groups are so good. I think the friends from the first group have noticed how much time I've been spending away from them, and they think differently of me because of it.
Towards the end of me and my ex best friend's friendship she was constantly wandering over to the second group, and now I feel like I'm doing the same, even when I really hate my friend for doing it!

And I've noticed that recently, somebody will say something, and then I'll just talk about myself!! I've tried to stop myself from doing it, but sometimes the conversation goes dead if I don't talk about myself!

I still listen to my friends, and help them with their problems, but sometimes I just snap at them and I want them to shut up. With one friend she told me that she started talking to her ex again, and he had asked her back out. She'd already said to me about it, but then she brought it up again, and I said that I didn't understand what she wanted me to do, because it seemed like she'd already made up her mind! I instantly regretted snapping at her, and she later text me to ask me if we (me and her) were okay. And then she said that she was worried about me.
I told her that once I had self-harmed, but only because I was feeling so low, and I thought maybe it would help, and often I punch walls and other things to get my anger out, and sometimes it gets me into so much pain that I regret it but then I can't stop and I keep doing it.
I told my friend that I had self harmed and that I promised her I wouldn't again, but recently, things have really started to get to me, and about two weeks ago I swear I was going to have a breakdown! Because I was so angry and crying uncontrollably.
Even though I promised her I wouldn't, I can't help wanting to start again, because it made me feel better when I used to do it. I have done it recently, but only once, and then I realized how stupid I was being. And I think the friend suspects that I have done it because I wore a sweat band to cover it up, and although it's nearly healed now I'm so afraid that she'll see the marks, and won't trust me again, or will confront me about it.
And the last time I self-harmed my mum saw it and said that I shouldn't do it, and I was really embarrassed about it, because I didn't want to explain why I did it.

I just feel like I'm changing into this completely different person, who I don't want to be!

Any advice on how I can prevent myself from changing welcome...
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Postby morris mouse » Sat May 05, 2007 1:27 pm

Brighter wrote:I just feel like I'm changing into this completely different person, who I don't want to be!


As you mention,at the end of your post,you've changed [& NOT for
the better]

Skipping school & smoking (to name only two)

The best way to sort out this problem is to make a REAL EFFORT to change the way in which you behave!!!!


After you've done this (for at least 6 months) and NOT changed back into your old ways,again,I'm sure you'll gain your friends again :) :)
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Postby Boothie » Wed Jun 06, 2007 9:39 pm

Hey sweetie hope you're well,
crikey what you say in your post really really brings a lot of memories back for me and I totally understand how you feel, well I know you feel that no one else could possibly fell like you do right now but trust me I know.
First of all I want you to know that it's perfectly normal to feel as completely insane as you do right now. I was a horrible teenager, really all over the place and did so many things that I still regret to this day. But I think the only advice I can give you that may help is THINK about what you're doing to other people and yourself, and then think about how you feel about what you think. I know this sounds confusing but if you can do it you should start to understand yourself better and learn from your mistakes. It's normal how you feel and I wouldn't worry too much about being too self obsessed as I think every human being is to some extent, just make sure you make time for others. I found that listening to and helping other people with their problems helped me put my own in perspective. It was selfish in a way as thinking about other people's problems stopped me thinking about my own it was a distraction that taught me alot.
I hope you soon feel more settled and please stop hurting yourself it won't help you find your identity, and it isn't the type of attention that I think you crave.
Be brave sweetheart
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