stress stress stress

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stress stress stress

Postby lorna » Tue Apr 22, 2008 9:23 am

I am so, so, so stressed.

Actually, I'm really annoyed at myself in general. Right now I have to work two jobs in order to cover the cost of my rent. I moved out of my (girl)friend's flat because she wants a break from all of my rubbish and living together was just putting too much of a strain on things. Thats cool and I'm enjoying getting my own independence again, its good for me to be dealing with my issues myself.

But the problem is that I work constantly - at one point I'll be working a 60 hour week just to break even. And I don't get any time to go see my CPN or therapist for my issues. I don't like talking to friends about these things because I keep myself to myself; I have quite a good group of friends but I never really feel comfortable opening myself up to anyone I socialise with. Plus friends' advice is always one sided - for example, in the other thread I started, a couple of my friends have been saying that my (girl)friend is just as much to blame in our relationship breakdown and that I should just go out and meet someone else, have a fling, forget her, etc. Which isn't a) true, she's lost patience and admitted she lost patience, didn't and hasn't went off with anyone else, just wants time out on her own to clear her head... and b) I don't want to, and she's admitted it would make her feel quite upset if I did. But I get made to feel a bit stupid for holding on for her. I'm not getting into all of that, I just mean to point out that friends often take YOUR side of things and don't want to say how much you've messed up, or relate things to their own experiences. A therapist is impartial and I need a CPN because I have a lot of deep rooted childhood issues that have led to me having quite bad periods of depression. I have Asperger Syndrome and its quite hard for me to 'get' people - I don't do things that everyone else does, I'm not trendy, I tend to live in my own little bubble, and I'm really geeky. I'm extremely quiet and very shy, but I come off as standoffish because my facial expression is usually blank and doesn't reflect my mood. I don't have as much difficulty as other Aspies in terms of making friends... I do have a social circle but I like spending time on my own a lot. Sometimes I feel happier just texting friends or talking to them online as opposed to going out with them.

My emotions overwhelm me a lot of the time because I don't know what to do with them. I'm not used to being emotional so when they come up, my brain can't handle it. Because I'm going through a highly emotional time with relationship problems and the stress of uni, I meltdown quite a bit. The friends I do have absolutely love me and find me loyal, witty, honest and wouldn't change me at all. I've been told on various ocassions that I'm the kind of person someone would want to be with if I could just sort out my own issues and my own head. When I don't have to deal with the problem of my emotions, I actually find my Aspergers quite fun - its amazing to 'see' music, the visual thinking is always cool, and the feeling of being an alien observing human society can be pretty amusing. I spoke to a friend who thinks she has AS too, and she's totally upset by it - I said that I actually liked having it when I saw the good aspects of it. After a while she said that it was reassuring to hear someone talk so positively about it; but you go into day to day life and people talk about you being disabled. And then I feel like it when I can't grasp basic emotions in those close to me. How I can't grasp the idea of space even when I can register that I'm not helping myself any. How my time management really sucks - my planning is awful.

Like yesterday, I had a total meltdown because I had a bad day at work. In my other job everyone is so busy constantly, so loud, so brash... I just don't fit in. I'm changing my degree in Sept to something thats more suited to my personality and my acceptance of my limitations - I was doing Sociology and Law but there's no way I could deal with all the networking involved. So I'm transferring to Computer Science (I told you I'm a geek), but I have to complete this year for credits etc. And I needed a morning off for to do a legal presentation, and when I said that, one woman just went "oooooh aren't YOU fancy" in what I thought was a really snide voice. My (girl)friend had told me the night before that she wanted to spend time getting to know me as a friend again, and letting herself heal that way, building up a rapport as my friend... and then I sat in work thinking how sausage inadequate I am that I can't even get on with my workmates, so what hope in hell do I have with a woman I'm in love with? I know my workmates don't like me very much and they are a bit bitchy - there's one woman I actually get on with even though she's one of those crazy Christian types and seems to have some mental health issue, and she's been there years and one of them made a bitchy comment about her to me. How she's "hard work to work alongside and every one of her stories about her life is constantly elaborated every time she tells it to someone new". I'm used to being around people with mental health problems, its always been a part of my life, so I don't see what the point is in having a pop. And I spent the morning beating down on myself, telling myself how pathetic and inadequate that I am that I have to alienate myself from my co-workers and what a total retard I am socially, how no-one decent will ever look at me and feel anything romantic for me, how I'm just going to join the legions of lonely, single, isolated Aspies who can tell you anything about programming but can't hold a conversation with a woman she likes for more than 5 minutes of rambling nonsense. So I had a meltdown in front of my (girl)friend that went on for over 2 hours and it was only when I calmed down that I realised that the meltdown wasn't her fault at all but my own idiocy :( I've been doing so well tackling my problems but it seems that since I've stopped getting angry I cry so much more :(

I'm also getting blamed for one of my ex friends having depression and being near enough suicidal. We were friends for about 4 years, we used to work together, and he has been there for me a lot but then he started making a lot of uncomfortable comments - including telling me he'd masturbated over a photo of my partner when things were ok between us, trying it on desperately with another lesbian friend of mine even when I told him not to, that when she had been with men she was always in a bad state of mind and it messed her up royally afterward, always seeming too cosy with me, getting jealous when I started spending time with another guy mate - to the point that he 'let slip' something about me I had said he kept secret, and he did for years until his jealousy kicked in??... I felt like a girlfriend surrogate. I moved him a couple of friends down on my Bebo and I started getting hysterical, sobbing voicemails from him asking me what I'm doing, we're meant to be best friends etc. I told him to leave me alone because his behaviour was freaking me out - he then tried to contact me a month later saying he'd given me 'time to calm down', which really annoyed me. I reitariated that I don't feel comfortable around him for his behaviour toward me and told him to leave me alone. Now I'm at the stage where I'd be pleasant enough to him if I saw him, but I don't want his issues. That sounds cruel but I'm not his crutch. And now I'm getting his other best mate and older sister telling me I'm not a 'real human' because I don't want to hang out with him anymore and that I'm 'fickle'? Bullying me to phone him etc because he's still depressed after about 4 months? I said I wasn't prepared to do this as I don't think its fair. He has mental health issues that he needs to deal with himself and to get like this over someone he claims he has only ever seen as a friend I feel is a bit over the top. I would be willing to help him but not when I'm getting blamed for his depression and suicidal thinking - even I haven't been that bad with my relationship breakdown. I just feel totally stressed by it. Can I just add he's about 27/28 as well?

I just want to quit the job I have that I hate because I really hate it that much and its awful for my mental health. I just don't know what to do. I feel so annoyed at myself for being this way.
lorna
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Postby lorna » Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:22 pm

I've also found a lump in my left breast a few days ago and went to my GP today about it :( she could feel it as well, and she's sending me to hospital to have tests done on it. I checked again when I got home, and I can feel it, its gotten a bit bigger since I first found it. My (girl)friend ran me to the doctors this morning after I jokingly asked her to take me last night - I'd told her I found a lump and she'd just said to go to the GP. When I told her I was getting sent to hospital for it, she just went very quiet and looked out of the car window. I asked if she was ok, and she said that she just felt very worried and upset. Cancer has been pretty rife in her family and she's been told herself that she's at medium risk. On the other hand I never check myself because its never been in my maternal family and I only noticed it when I was reaching up in the shower. She was very quiet all the way back to mine and I told her not to worry, that I wasn't worried, if it was anything I'd beat it, I can beat anything, and she just said quietly "I know its in there though". I was reassuring her that cancer hasn't hit my maternal side but I'm sure that my paternal grandmother died very young from cancer, and I think it has affected an aunt on my paternal side. I seem to have gotten more of the genes from my dad's side, I look nothing like my maternal side, all my health problems relate to my dad's family... I'm not telling her that though because I don't want to stress her out. I wish I could phone one of my relatives on my dad's side to speak to them :(
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Postby Bel Bel » Tue Apr 22, 2008 4:01 pm

Well first the lump - your right to try and be positive because you haven't been diagnosed and many poeple get lumps that are not cancerous. It is rare for someone your age to get it. But your g/f has been blighted so it is obvious she will be concerned.

This so called friend who is suffering from depression. He crossed the line more than once and you don't need people like that around you. Tell the sister if she calls anymore you will have no choice but to go to the police and file a harrasement charge. Hopefully that should get rid of her.She can't amke you be friends with him. As you say yourself he has to sort out his own problems and should be concentrating on that.

Is there any option to change jobs so you don't have to work such long hours. I agree your therapy is very important and you need to go regularly. If not can your family help you out with some money as a loan until you start work permanently.

The other option maybe looking for cheaper alternative accomodation, maybe in a house share or something.
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Postby lorna » Tue Apr 22, 2008 9:09 pm

See the thing that makes me feel most guilty about my ex-friend is that I relate it to my situation with my (girl)friend. I keep thinking that I'm a hypocrite for expecting her to give me one final chance when I totally rule out any hope of this guy becoming a good friend of mine again. I think about all the awful things I did to this woman, and how she's said I've made her into a really angry person who used to sit and cry some nights because she could never understand what my problem was, how she felt at times she couldn't have any life because I was so jealous and controlling... and I feel like a hypocrite. I realise relationships are different but how can I expect another chance when I was a clingy bully and a control freak, when this guy was more of... I dunno, a clingy creep. This guy has been there for me at bad times but then I think about how much it seemed like he almost tried to copy me, my sense of humour, my mannerisms, everything. He seemed obsessed with having to be in my attention, even going so far as to tell people he always wanted me to 'be proud' of him and when I got annoyed with him it really got him down. Even just the way he is with women - it seems so sleazy but he wants people to think he's a gentleman.

I just don't think its fair I'm getting blamed for his depression. If he did something to hurt himself you know who would get the blame?? The only good thing I can think about is that whenever I start getting scatty in my love life situation I think about the way he's behaved and learn how NOT to behave. He's just draining - you tell him what to do to help himself and he just sits around moaning about his life. I remember once he had NO money because he wasn't making enough from his part time job. So I took it upon myself to find him another one. He wandered around town for an hour once when I was meeting another friend in his town because I'd said if he got paid that day to meet us for a drink, to text me and let me know. He didn't text me, so I figured he hadn't got paid as he has a pay as you go phone, and I went with our mate himself. He walked around for an hour trying to find us, then stormed into the pub we were in, snapping "so this is where we're meeting then??", didn't have any money (cuz he hadn't got paid) and sat there in silence. Didn't apologise once for how stupid he made us all look.

Re my job, uni do help me out with the cost of my rent because I have to live on my own (I can't do flatsharing, its too stressful for me). I'm thinking that I might go in there tomorrow and explain my situation, that its actually having a negative impact on my mental health and I can't keep on there any longer. They might be able to give me help with what they'd give me next year as an advance pay. I've got a part time weekend job that gives me around £600pcm, plus I'll have a little bit of savings from summer. I just need to put myself first because I'll go crazy otherwise and I can't go crazy when I have so much to lose :(

I don't speak to my mum's side at all. Partly to do with my childhood, a lot to do with the fact I can't handle their negativity and poisonousness. I'm thinking about trying to get back in contact with my paternal side though. I never had a relationship with them because they've never got on with my mum, and because of my dad's schizophrenia.
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:07 pm

you have made an effor to change that is the difference between you and the creepy guy
You have aploogised and accepted the things you did where wrong. You also had an emotional relationship with your g/f but not with this guy
You are NOT to blame for someone elses depression you can only be responsible for yourself
You are maiing massive strides to imrove your life and I think creepy will have a really negative affect on you so just keep away and be strong :D
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