Discontented

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Re: Discontented

Postby LME79 » Sat Jul 04, 2009 10:28 am

Bel Bel wrote:
His insecurities will eventually be the downfall of this relationship if he doesn't sort it out


Nail on head.

If you are not happy now, Skarlet, then I think you need to end it. Like dipsy said earlier, it's not your responsibility to be your boyfriend's leaning post. You have your own life, you have issues with career and you need to be able to concentrate on that rather than getting emotionally drained by using all your energy on your boyfriend's issues.

Your situation sounds very similar to a relationship I was in ten years ago - this guy was insanely jealous (even hated me having a crush on Enrique Iglesias and Johnny Depp :roll: ), he actually told me he worshipped the ground I walked on, he stopped seeing his friends and expected me to do the same, he turned up at my place of work out of the blue and whenever I tried to end it with him there was always some massive emotional thing (I later found out he'd made a lot of it up) where I felt guilty and stayed. I'm not saying your boyfriend's exactly the same, but I would be wary. Please remember you are NOT his mother and NOT his babysitter.
Good relationships have a good 50-50 balance and this one sounds like he relies 99.9% on you.

With regards to work, IT doesn't have to be dead end if you like the industry - my friend's other half works as a contractor and earns stupidly high wages per day. He doesn't even have his MCSE (though he will be taking it for the sake of it soon) but he's quite high up and has contracted for big companies - he also loves what he does and he just "fell" into IT. Anyway, I just wanted to query whether your problems with your boyfriend could be distracting you; you said you don't really know why you feel like it, so am just putting it out there :)

If you do feel that IT isn't for you, you could look into funding a part time course, as dipsy suggested. I don't know where you live, but Birkbeck College in London does part time degrees - there must be regional equivalents.

Good luck with everything.

xx
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Re: Discontented

Postby Skarlet » Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:18 am

Thanks LME, for your advice. My Mum has said pretty much the same thing.

I have talked to him properly, about everything- all the issues, and although I have said we will try again, I am not actually sure that it is the right option. I just worry I am doing the wrong thing.

It probably is something to do with it. I haven't felt this way for a long time, and has coincided with how confused I feel about my bf.

My sister thinks I should move back home for a week, and see if I miss my bf. Not sure if I can suggest that.
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Re: Discontented

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:28 am

Your not sure if you can suggest a week back at home - why?
you sound like your scared of his reaction and that juts proves you shouldn't be with him
You need to be yourself in a relationship and if you can't then you shouldn't be in it
You talked everyhting through so he knows how you feel, this would be a good test to see if he is willing to change
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Re: Discontented

Postby Skarlet » Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:28 am

He says he is, says he will be devastated to lose me.
I have always thought that breaks, are just inevitable lead up to breaking up, so seems like a cop out to me, although it would be a good test of my feelings.
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Re: Discontented

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:34 am

it isn't a cop out unless you have no intention of going back
it's some breathing space to really decide what you want
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Re: Discontented

Postby Skarlet » Mon Jul 06, 2009 3:09 pm

Just worried that I won't know what I want even . I am so torn between the chance to start anew, and feeling guilty that I feel that way.

I wish I could just decide and stick to it. Why is it so hard?
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Re: Discontented

Postby RagDoll » Mon Jul 06, 2009 3:20 pm

Because you're scared to make the wrong decision probably and don't want to hurt your partner?

I think you've just got to listen to what your heart is really telling you to do. Deep down you probably know what the best decision is - you need to take your partners problems/feelings out of the equation and make a decision based on what YOU want.
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Re: Discontented

Postby LME79 » Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:40 am

RagDoll wrote:Because you're scared to make the wrong decision probably and don't want to hurt your partner?

I think you've just got to listen to what your heart is really telling you to do. Deep down you probably know what the best decision is - you need to take your partners problems/feelings out of the equation and make a decision based on what YOU want.


Absolutely.

There is never a good time to break up and it's hard for both parties but if you stay because you feel guilty of hurting him then you are going to be miserable and nobody wants to be miserable. Like Bel Bel says, you sound scared of his reaction and relationships shouldn't work like that. If you don't know what you want then you're not 100% you want to be with him and that's not a good basis for a relationship.
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Re: Discontented

Postby Skarlet » Tue Jul 07, 2009 4:32 pm

I know you are right, I haven't been sure about us for a long time, just things kept coming up. I have a problem saying the words as well, I don't know how to phrase it- sounds funny. But how do you end a relationship? Other relationships I have been in have just fizzled out or the distance has been impossible. This is my first serious relationship break up.. :-?
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Re: Discontented

Postby captainf » Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:04 pm

Well if you are planning to break up with him just be honest. Tell him exactly why you are breaking up with him but dont make it harsh as you dont want to be nasty, but you do want to be firm.

I cant really give you any pointers as i've never broken up with anyone.
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Re: Discontented

Postby LME79 » Tue Jul 07, 2009 10:33 pm

Skarlet wrote:I know you are right, I haven't been sure about us for a long time, just things kept coming up. I have a problem saying the words as well, I don't know how to phrase it- sounds funny. But how do you end a relationship? Other relationships I have been in have just fizzled out or the distance has been impossible. This is my first serious relationship break up.. :-?


There's no set way, my love. I wish I could give you a list of dos and don'ts but there's no such list.

Like c_f said, you just need to be honest but not harsh. Best of luck and although you may feel sad at first, you may well find yourself feeling relieved.

Give us all a yell if you need to xxxx
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Re: Discontented

Postby Skarlet » Wed Jul 08, 2009 8:49 am

He asked me last night if I wanted to continue and I bottled it again. He knows I am withdrawn and unhappy though, but I wanted it to be at the best time, not when his son was there. ](*,)
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Re: Discontented

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:39 am

Can't you set some time aside with him, when you will be alone, and have the breaking up discussion with him then? If you tell him you need to talk and arrange a time to do it, he will probably know what's coming anyway.
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Re: Discontented

Postby Skarlet » Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:43 am

He started the conversation by text, I have told him I am confused over us, and what I want, and that I will talk to him tonight. And you are right he knows it doesn't sound good.

Now I feel really sad, I know I haven't been happy but I still feel really upset. I guess that is normal.
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Re: Discontented

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 08, 2009 10:31 am

Ok, well it's good that he knows you both need to sit down tonight to discuss things. I hope it goes as well as can be.

I think that is perfectly normal. Just because you're the one putting an end to it doesn't mean you aren't upset about the whole thing. Break-ups are tough even if it was your decision to call it a day. I think you're doing the right thing though.

Good luck!
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