I am feeling completely crushed at the moment and am thinking that it might be a better idea to just stay away from everyone and put my guard up. It was something I considered a few years ago and I wish I had thought to do it now. Whenever I get close to someone it just seems to end in disaster or heartache.
I used to think that no matter how awful my friends were, at least I had one true friend. However, he has now been sacked from his job because of kid related stuff which I can't go into for legal reasons but I am sure you know what I mean.
Not seeing him anymore has turned my life upside down. I used to see him most weekends, text him a lot and we used to have a good laugh. Losing that has been awful especially under the circumstances.
Then stupid me, I ended up falling for a coworker and now he is leaving and what hurts me most is that he is now avoiding me/blanking me as obviously I am of no use anymore.
Then today I had another horrible shock. I look after a colleagues little boy in my creche. I have done so for 2 years so ever since he was a baby. We built up an enormously strong bond and his mum always encouraged it and got him to give me hugs and to say that he loved me etc. I became close to her as well and it was lovely. I knew he started school in September so was preparing for that but today I realised he hadn't been in for a few weeks so I texted his mum asking if he was now in nursery fulltime as I had a horrible feeling that was true. She didn't really answer my question so I said *I will miss him so much.* and she said *You will still see him. Dont worry.* xxx but I won't. They live miles away from me and it is too far to travel to myself. If they lived closer, I could babysit them and it wouldn't be a problem but it is. I kind of feel like she isn't bothered and that she doesn't understand that I am hurt. She herself is in work tomorrow and I just don't know what to say to her. What hurts me more is that all the colleagues in her department probably knew about it and yet the one who loves him and who has looked after him for 2 years never did and she left me to work it out for myself. She always says that she and her son love me but I think I was just being used.
I really do think that loving someone is too much of a risk. Yes it can be brilliant but a lot of the time it ends in pain. I just want to stop losing people that I care about but I don't know how to stop it.