Don't eat to save cash, or don't eat in self loathing?

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Don't eat to save cash, or don't eat in self loathing?

Post by Nomad » Wed Dec 17, 2014 9:23 pm

It's not news that I suffer from depression and anxiety, but it's a very crafty thing the mind and I often wonder if this broad brush 'problem' that I am constantly fighting with is actually covering up more sinister issues that I could do with dealing seriously illuminating.

Sometimes little glimpses stick out at me and I catch them in the light thinking 'wow, that's actually quite a big deal, I had better not tuck that thought away, but actually do something about it'. Typically they do get tucked away, but today (probably becasue I was busy procrastinating - another seemingly light issue that is actually going to be my undoing if I don't learn how to control it) my eating habits gleamed up at me and waved their arms for a while. I wonder if it is a problem.

I'm healthy. I used to play regular sport which I've only stopped because of knee trouble, and i keep as active as i can with the odd walk, run, weekly yoga and some swing dancing to keep me off the sofa. I'm about to go skiing. I'm conscious of what i eat in terms of getting enough veg and also in terms of being green. I hate waste and I am environmental by profession. But I was once bulimic - all be it a long time ago and more a symptom of depression than the other way around. And my sister has often told me I have 'body dysmorphia' wearing clothes a size too big and wondering why they look jelly, or just wearing baggy or cheap things as I'm never keen on how i look. I know im slim. Im basically a size 10. but we all have things we dont like and ive always had a very un-toned middle meaning the roles around my middle are very prominent in tight clothes, and I regularly get IBS or bloating meaning that i feel bigger than i am in my waist. but I appreciate that I have an ok bod if I dress it right.

I do hate spending money, especially on stuff, and for some reason especially on clothes and food. Which is nuts as they are reletively essential. But its not like i wont spend money on myself. im studying right now, and supporting myself to do so, so i am investing a LOT of money on myself. I also go on holidays and have the odd massage or hair cut, so its not like i wont spend on me. But the food thing is getting a bit crazy. I dont eat much. I eat enough. I often go to bed hungry. I have lost a few pounds but nothing much. i dont feel i need to loose weight. I just find food expensive and I cant be bothered with preparing it. Also i am not very strong willed so i know that if it is in the house i will eat it. whereas i have shown myself how little i need.

What I say to myself is that I am just very good at saving money and knowing what I need. But something inside is saying 'treat yourself better, eat properly' - I think I just need someone else to say that to me too. As I live mostly alone (housemate not here much) and work from home or in solitary roles, no one really sees how i live. I think I keep it that way deliberately. Im desperately lonely an unsatisfied with myself. But as long as i am hiding then no one can tell me I'm doing it all wrong.

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Re: Don't eat to save cash, or don't eat in self loathing?

Post by Bel Bel » Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:49 am

it sounds like you have a lot going on in your head and each problem is feeding the other as you seem to have already diagnosed.
Could you get some cognitive therapy. Unlike counselling which is more about talking cognitive therapy gives you tools to change your thinking and provides coping tools
I think you would benefit massively from this
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