Where has my sex drive gone?

For any type of physical problem.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:17 am

Ok you are cynical but if you don't try you will never know
No one can give you a magic solution so you have to be prepared to try things you wouldn't normally or nothing will change -Do the same you'll get the same result
Yes you live together but can you go and stay with a friend or family for a few days
Long term you may not need a solution as the time apart may just kick start things back into action and sort it out
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:50 pm

I think herbal things are a bit of placebo though - if you think they'll work, they'll work, if you don't, they probably won't. I have tried some stuff before (which was recommended for chest infections as I kept getting them) and it didn't do a thing. I am prepared to change things, but I am not looking for a medical/herbal remedy as I am sure the problem must more psychological. Popping a few pills isn't going to be a magical solution.

I could try and stay with my parents for a few days I suppose.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby LemonJuice87 » Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:38 pm

Perhaps seeing someone proffesional about it? You get marriage counselling, maybe there's such a thing as sex counselling?

If you do think it's more psychological maybe they can dig deep and find out the root of the cause.

I can't remember if anyone has asked this, but, have you thought back to when all this started? Did something happen around the time your sex drive did a vanishing act?
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When you and your significant other are having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen!! =]
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:24 pm

I think it started becoming an issue not long after we moved in together, which was also about the time he told me he had lied about sleeping with other people (he was in fact a virgin when he met me, but told me he'd slept with other people). I guess the issue could be wrapped up in both of those things really, I'm just unsure how to go about fixing it. Counselling might be the way forward, but I would feel very silly suggesting it to my boyfriend I think. Perhaps that's something I just need to get over though... although having said that, talking to a stranger about our sex life would be awkward too! I wonder if it would help if I just went to see someone by myself to discuss the issues?!
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Skarlet » Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:36 pm

I think counseling for you on your own would be a really good idea. I think that is definitely tied up with the feelings that your bf lied to you, and thats why you don't want sex with him.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:57 am

I suggested councilling in one of Ragdolls posts ages ago :(.

I think it might be a good idea; to be honest the lie wasn't a massive lie, but at the end of the day a lie is a lie. Has he been trying since then to show you how much he regrets lying (if he does).
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Mon Nov 09, 2009 9:08 pm

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:I suggested councilling in one of Ragdolls posts ages ago .


I know Dips, I haven't done anything about it as I don't really like the idea of going - I know this is a silly attitude, but I feel ridiculous going to councelling and feel I should be able to sort my problems out myself. Especially when any issues I have are relatively minor.

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:to be honest the lie wasn't a massive lie


To be honest, at the time, to me, it did seem a massive lie - one that he had kept going for over a year and we'd talked about time and time again - it's not like he lied once and the subject never came up again, he had to lie to me over and over again when we spoke about it. My problem/upset wasn't so much about the lie itself, more that I was scared and hurt at how readily he had and could lie to me, to my face.

I'm not claiming that it's a huge deal and it's something I have forgiven him for, but I think my opinion of him did change a bit when it all came out, and most importantly it changed the dynamics of our relationship and most specifically the dynamics of our sex life. That is the issue here - not the fact he lied, as I've said, I have forgiven him for that and it is in the past, however, I cannot help feel that it may have affected our sex life/my sex drive, probably on a mostly subconscious level.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby captainf » Mon Nov 09, 2009 10:06 pm

I havent had time to read all the replies properly but is this actually a sexual problem, or is there more to this than meets the eye? Is it possible that rather than just being bored sexually you are actually either bored of the relationship or have some sort of problems within that relationship that arent necessarily sexual but do cause problems in that area?
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:22 am

Captainflynn: I think (ok I am responding for Ragdoll here) but it could be another problem that is causing problems in that area...

RagDoll wrote:
dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:
to be honest the lie wasn't a massive lie

To be honest, at the time, to me, it did seem a massive lie


Oh I know that; that's why I made a comment after; I don't think for you it is the fact of what was said in the lie (thus making the lie not a big lie) but it was the fact heactually lied and he lied more than once on the same thing.

My bf lied to me and like you I've not quite been up for it as much since then; my bf says he regrets it more than anything he's done in the world and has asked me how it can be fixed; but to be honest, can it be flxed? - it's just the same for you; can a lie be fixed? I've told my bf the only lies that are allowed are about presents; like "oh no I haven't got you that present :wink:" - you know, because you don't want to say "I've got you this, this and this".

RagDoll wrote:dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:
I suggested councilling in one of Ragdolls posts ages ago .

I know Dips, I haven't done anything about it as I don't really like the idea of going - I know this is a silly attitude, but I feel ridiculous going to councelling and feel I should be able to sort my problems out myself. Especially when any issues I have are relatively minor.


I agree with you, however one thing I disagree with is you said your issues are relatively minor - if it is affecting you (which it is) then it is certainly not minor
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Tue Nov 10, 2009 3:15 pm

Dipsy is right, though sometimes I do worry that I am just bored of my boyfriend/the relationship in general. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much, but sometimes things feel so comfortable that there's little spark anymore. I don't think he keeps me on my toes like some of my exs did and although that gives me a sense of security (a good thing), it also takes away some of the excitement I think
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:42 pm

There becomes a point or several points in a relationship where things go a bit slow; my friend has been with her boyfriend 7 or 8 years now and they are having a "slow-go".

Do you want the excitement like your ex's (arguing etc) or would you rather the stability? Have you tried dressing up or having meals in where you have to dress up smart for each other "like a date"? I don't really know what to suggest in all honesty because I am in the same boat, my only thought is I go through months when I am ok and then months when I am not, and the main reason is because he lied to me; I've told him it's not even what he lied about, it was the fact he lied about it when I had evidence rather than telling me the truth straight away; ok the stuff he lied about would have still hurt but not half as bad and I would have moved on since then.

Now if I say something is bothering me he does something about it. He lets me know if someone (anyone) contacts him who doesn't normally contact him and he tells me the content of the conversations or anything (I don't ask for this, he volunteers this to be truly truthful). I also mentioned that everytime I was on his computer I saw face-book links and all to one girls photos (she generally posts nearly naked photos of her self) - I mentioned it and he said I'll delete her to make you happy and I said I wasn't that bothered if he did, but he said he'd was more than happy to do it (this is his making up to me) in his defence he said she always posts new photos so it comes up on the main page and he said he just clicks...but point is he's learnt his lesson and he is trying to fix it.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:43 pm

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:There becomes a point or several points in a relationship where things go a bit slow; my friend has been with her boyfriend 7 or 8 years now and they are having a "slow-go".


Yeh, only thing that concerns me is that I have never really experienced that with my exs and I've had longer relationships than my current one before.

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:Do you want the excitement like your ex's (arguing etc) or would you rather the stability?


Overall, I'd rather have the stability. It's not that I am moaning, I'm just pointing out how I feel. Obviously arguments are usually pretty horrible and certainly not something I would want to do very often, but I think once in a while they're probably a good thing. My boyfriend never really stands up for himself and sometimes I feel he won't say what he thinks - any 'arguments' we've had have been more me getting annoyed with him. Sometimes I wish he'd fight back a little in a way. I know that probably sounds crazy, most of the time I am glad he is so laid back - I couldn't go out with someone long term who is as argumentative and vocal as me or we'd constantly be rowing! The way I see it 99% of the time is that it's a good thing, but when I analyse it, as I am now, I wonder if it has a detrimental affect on our sex life...

We do plenty together in terms of going for 'dates' etc.

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:I've told him it's not even what he lied about, it was the fact he lied about it when I had evidence rather than telling me the truth straight away


Yeh, being lied to makes you feel betrayed. Ok, it's not as bad as being cheated on (although the two are often combined!) but it still makes it hard to trust.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby captainf » Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:45 am

I think the idea of having a few days apart is actually a very good one. I have noticed alot of my friends have become complacent in the past and bored of their relationships only to go on to sabotage them thinking the grass is greener on the otherside - it isnt. I think that having abit of time apart (like visiting your parents or something like that) may then cause you to 'miss' your boyfriend and want to be with him more.

Am I right in saying he lied about his sexual past - he claimed to have experience but was a virgin? Dont worry about this, sometimes women go on about having a guy whos great in bed etc and he probably felt that confessing he was a virgin would of put you off of him. Atleast he confessed and lets face it he actually chose you to be his first and thats pretty special. I know he technically bent the truth but his 'lie' could of been much worse.

I have no doubt that you love your boyfriend very much, and it sounds like you have a nice, settled life together. You post photos on here sometimes of the places you have gone with your boyfriend and I think its nice that you guys have a life where you can enjoy things together like the countryside etc. I lookforward to the day that I can have the same sort of life with someone. Its worth remembering that to jeopardise the relationship you have now may actually be one of the biggest mistakes you make. However if in time you find the relationship isnt working then you are within your right to end it (I dont believe it will come to that though) Just try to make your lives abit more interesting by trying new things when you are together - try going out to some different places, or just book a random weekend away. Enjoy what you have together. :)

Regarding to the sexual side - you can always try things like dressing up, if you havent tried that already.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:22 am

Regarding having a few days apart, I think that'll be the case in December anyway - he's planning on taking some time off before xmas and visiting his parents, but I'll still be working, so won't go with him. That will give me 3 or so days away from him - I already know I'll miss him!

Yep, in a nutshell that's it - he was a virgin, but lied and said he wasn't. I know when it's written down in a sentence like that, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but that's because it doesn't give you any of the details e.g. like how he'd made up a fictitious girlfriend and made it sound like his sex life with her was much more exciting and adventorous than ours... ok, I can get my head around him being a little embarrassed and lying about being a virgin, what's harder to accept is why he told me things like that which made me feel inadequate and upset me. Anyway, that's in the past and isn't the main issue here - it's not something I feel the need to discuss anymore, it's just that it might be tied to my lack of sex drive.

I think you're right about enjoying what we have together, and I do. I suppose it is easy to forget how lucky you are though. It's also worth mentioning that ppers will mostly hear about the negative aspects of our relationship as that's what this forum is for, getting help to solve problems, but I know there are a lot of great things we share - I wouldn't be with him if that wasn't the case :) .. I do appreciate him. It is still nice to take a step back every now and again and think about all the great things though, so thanks :D

I have tried the dressing up thing a few times. Perhaps we just need to keep experimenting.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Skarlet » Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:33 am

Although what he told you was made up, do you still feel inadequate? Maybe your not wanting sex is to do with that. And though you know now that he lied, and didn't have this amazing sexual relationship those seeds of inadequacy is still there. Maybe you guys could go to relate, so you can talk it over. And although you don't want to talk about it anymore, did you really explain how it hurt you?
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