Where has my sex drive gone?

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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:23 am

RagDoll wrote:
dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:Do you want the excitement like your ex's (arguing etc) or would you rather the stability?


Overall, I'd rather have the stability. It's not that I am moaning, I'm just pointing out how I feel.


I did assume that, I just wanted to make sure so I knew we were on the same page...

RagDoll wrote:I think you're right about enjoying what we have together, and I do. I suppose it is easy to forget how lucky you are though. It's also worth mentioning that ppers will mostly hear about the negative aspects of our relationship as that's what this forum is for, getting help to solve problems, but I know there are a lot of great things we share - I wouldn't be with him if that wasn't the case .. I do appreciate him. It is still nice to take a step back every now and again and think about all the great things though, so thanks


It is sooo easy to forget all the nice things someone has done for you; if for example your boyfriend does something to annoy you, you will instantly forget the 10 really nice things he has just done because that one bad point ruined it.

I think PPers only hear the negative aspects of most peoples relationships because you don't want to talk about the good things, it's the bad things you need help/advice/rants with.
Last edited by dipsydoodlenoodle on Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby snail » Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:26 am

Skarlet makes some good points. Do think you could be unconsciously trying to punish him for what he did, by withholding sex? Resentment has a way of coming out somewhere.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Nov 11, 2009 1:07 pm

I don't think he did it to make you feel inadequate but to make himself have more confidence and you to have more confidence in him
I doubt he even realised the consequences of his stupid lie and once in it it became harder and harder to get out of especially when pressed for details or feeling like he needed to give more details
He did own up and it would be a shame to punish him for telling the truth. Ye it was a lie but actually the result of it are that he hasn't cheated or done anythign unforgiable, you say yourself you have forgiven

To space things up a bit differntly why don'#t you arrange to do some things you wouldn't normally do together like

Ice skating
Concerts
Cinema
Day out to Zoo
Some kind of adventure day out
Horse Riding
Putting/Golf
Swimming

I think shared experience help bring you closer together

Also try doing something the other one wnats to that you wouldn't normally do
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:12 pm

Bel Bel wrote:I don't think he did it to make you feel inadequate but to make himself have more confidence and you to have more confidence in him
I doubt he even realised the consequences of his stupid lie and once in it it became harder and harder to get out of especially when pressed for details or feeling like he needed to give more details


I do agree with this and it does seem like this was the case; however I don't think the problem is because a lie was told; I think it might be a contributing factor, but I think there has to be something else as well.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:50 pm

Bel Bel, I have said (quite a few times now), that his lying isn't the main issue here - I am just trying to get to the bottom of why my sex drive has taken a significant nose dive and it's just come up because that MIGHT be a contributing factor. I find it a bit bemusing that when I first posted about this lie (in an entirely different post, which was specific to his lies), those of you who are hinting that it's not a big deal now were actually saying things like it will be hard to forgive him etc. at the time. I have forgiven him now and don't wish to talk about it or analyse what he did anymore, other than to work out if it has anything to do with my lack of desire for sex.....

Snail and Skarlet - I don't think I am with-holding sex or still feeling inadequate, certainly not on conscious level anyhow. I do wonder if the whole lie still has something to do with it though... I know this is going to sound awful, but I wonder if deep down somewhere, I just have less respect for him now and think he's a bit pathetic for making up such lies, hence I feel generally less attracted to him?!
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:45 pm

RagDoll wrote:hence I feel generally less attracted to him?!


Do you think that in general you feel less attracted to him? or was it a "it could be" situation?

At the end of the day you will have less respect for him because of the lie; I think it is a contributing factor but like I said above it's not (I don't think) the main reason.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:33 pm

I wasn't suggesting the lie was the main reason but just responding to your own point about being made to feel inadequate because of it. As I said you have already forgiven him. I wanted to point out that maybe you are punishing him for the lie without even realising it, perhaps I didn't get that accross very well
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:41 pm

RagDoll wrote: I find it a bit bemusing that when I first posted about this lie (in an entirely different post, which was specific to his lies), those of you who are hinting that it's not a big deal now were actually saying things like it will be hard to forgive him etc. at the time. I have forgiven him now and don't wish to talk about it or analyse what he did anymore, other than to work out if it has anything to do with my lack of desire for sex.....

Snail and Skarlet - I don't think I am with-holding sex or still feeling inadequate, certainly not on conscious level anyhow. I do wonder if the whole lie still has something to do with it though... I know this is going to sound awful, but I wonder if deep down somewhere, I just have less respect for him now and think he's a bit pathetic for making up such lies, hence I feel generally less attracted to him?!


I wasn't suggesting the lie was the main reason but just responding to your own point about being made to feel inadequate because of lies and the detail in them. As I said you have already forgiven him. I wanted to point out that maybe you are punishing him for the lie without even realising it, perhaps I didn't get that accross very well

Also if this is a subconscious change since the lie then it has actaully become a truth that you may find it hard to forgive, I mean truly forgive.

You say you no longer want to talk about it but then say other than to work out if it has anything to do with the lack of sex drive. I think that's the point subconciously maybe it does and ignoring that won't therefore help solve the problem.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby captainf » Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:17 am

okay so you've tried the dressing up thing but maybe you just havent worn the right thing yet? Like for example some of my ex's in the past have joked that i'd probably love to see them in an air hostess uniform (for obvious reasons) but in reality the air hostie uniform just doesnt do it for me. Do you know what your boyfriend likes you to dress up as? Just thinking you might be able to take him by surprised and already be 'dressed up' when he comes in from work.

Sorry for bringing up the fact he was a virgin previously but I hope you have truely forgiven him because for him to pick you as the one to lose it with then that makes you a pretty special person.

Also what is sex to you and your boyfriend? What does it mean? Are you guys driven by the strong passion of sex created by your love and strong bond together? Or is it just looked at as fun and thats it?
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Skarlet » Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:58 am

I am thinking that maybe you haven't dealt with it properly, although you have forgiven him, those feelings of inadequacy do have a tendency to stick around along while after. I know you have also had issues with your weight. Do you feel sexy? I know that when I get a downer on myself for being a size14-16, and hate my stomach and want to lose loads of weight, that I also don't want sex so much... could that be related?
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Thu Nov 12, 2009 10:06 am

Bel Bel, yeh, I guess it is possible that I am punishing him without even realising it, but I certainly feel like I have forgiven him and want my sex drive to return more than anything!!

Captain - I've done a few dressing up things before and surprised him etc. and it's always gone down well (plus, we've chatted about it, so I know what 'uniforms' would do it for him). To be honest I think me dressing up is more me doing something for him, I mean that's great and everything, but dressing up isn't going to improve my sex drive.

I'm not really sure re: sex, I suppose I can only answer that from my own point of view... I think I see it as a bit of both really. I certainly wouldn't have sex with someone I didn't have strong feelings for, so in that respect, I do see it as something you only do with someone you've got a bond with, but then again, I don't really see sex as something which is all that loving. Hmmm...
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Thu Nov 12, 2009 10:14 am

Skarlet - sorry, we posted at pretty much the same time!

Yeh, perhaps you're right re: how I might not have dealt with it properly. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I have truely forgiven him - I feel like I have, but then again I wonder where else all this could be stemming from??

I think the weight thing could definitely be related - I am on a diet at the moment (only started it on Tuesday, so we'll see how long it lasts, haha). I don't feel in the slightest bit sexy really :( I really miss being able to get dressed up on a Friday night (for a night out), feeling good about myself, then turning up at my boyfriend's and knowing he'd think I looked nice. I used to actually feel attractive, but I don't anymore.

I really hate bumping into people we haven't seen for ages as I feel like they're thinking "god, you've piled on the pounds". It's just made me feel really ugly and gross having put on weight. It feels like all my friends are doing the opposite as well, and for once I think I am the biggest out of my closest friends and that makes me feel terrible.

Yeh, all in all, I think that could definitely have a lot to do with it!
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Skarlet » Thu Nov 12, 2009 10:49 am

Hmm, I think if you worked on how you feel about yourself and your weight you would get your sexdrive back, also I am sure you aren't as big as you think you are.

I think rather then diet, because they are depressing, especially when you can't keep to them. Can you join a dance class, or take up something fun?
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby RagDoll » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:01 am

Yeh, you're probably right. I am only a dress size 12-14 (increasingly more a 14 these days!), so it's not like I am huge or anything, but I've gone from being a 10-12 to this size in 2 years. I was much smaller when I first met my boyfriend and that makes me feel rubbish, I get worried he won't find me as attractive anymore :(

Well I asked my friend yesterday if she wanted to start up a fitness class again (we used to go every Monday), so I am waiting to hear back from her about that. I'm not on a really strict diet or anything, I am just trying to cut back and actually think about what I am eating.
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Re: Where has my sex drive gone?

Postby Skarlet » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:22 am

Ok. as long as you are doing it healthily. I got told that I look like I have lost weight, although I haven't done much.

Maybe you should talk to him, so he can reassure you. It must be frustrating and difficult for him, because you are turning him down.
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