help

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help

Postby steve » Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:54 pm

please i need advice....5 years ago my lovely wife collapsed with a brain tumor..since then our lives have changed .
I still love her as much today as 39 years ago when we got married,but our sex life is non existent ,
My wife can no longer have penetration even with creams she says it will hurt,oral sex is out as she is no longer interested..

my problem is we have not had sex for 5 years now and its killing ( i am 59 and will soon be to old)i wake up every morning with a erection
that kills..we still cuddle a bit,but nothing more..

My question is do you think it is wrong for me to pay for sex to a very nice lady i found in local paper.
i will never ever leave or stop loving my wife ever..and im sure she will never find out.

I am in desperate state for some sexual pleasure and think paying for it is clean cut no ties etc
talking to someone is out of the question never in a million years will my wife do that..

please help im not asking for permission just what an outsider would think

regards steve
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Re: help

Postby snail » Fri Jul 30, 2010 9:20 pm

Is your wife uninterested for physical reasons (i.e. sex is too difficult/painful) or psychological reasons (too traumatised)?
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Re: help

Postby steve » Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:15 am

physical and just gone off sex all together...(cant be bothered ).....i cannot stress how much i love my wife,but the need for sex is so strong.
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Re: help

Postby snail » Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:14 am

Well, you could see a prostitute but there are problems with this. Firstly, it may well not bring you what you need - I've spoken to one man who was very familiar with this scene, and while some men do find straightforward pleasure in it (obviously) others feel just awful afterwards. They may still use prostitutes regularly through desperation, but it kills part of them inside each time. You don't seem like the sort of man who is hardened enough to just enjoy this in a simple way or you probably wouldn't have posted here. You want sex, but it's debatable if what you're getting with a prostitute really constitutes "sex".

Also, if you regularly visit the same lady you will develop emotional ties to her, like it or not. That might make the whole arrangement better, or it might make it unbearable - I don't know. There's also the issue of cost - regularly using a prostitute will put a considerable financial strain on you. And if anyone finds out, that's your reputation completely gone. There are many people for whom using prostitutes would be much, much worse than an affair (others of course would feel it was less blamable, but it's an area where people have divided views).

Finally, it will take up energy that you could be putting into your marriage. Have you spoken to your wife at all? I'm guessing you must have done. Is there any compromise - would she for example allow you to masturbate over her or anything? Have you told her you are seriously considering sex with someone else? If you haven't you must do that, and see what she says. I know it might be a very hard thing to talk about, but you really owe her that, and after 40 years together surely you could bring it up? This is a joint problem, you need to know where she stands.
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Re: help

Postby LemonJuice87 » Sat Jul 31, 2010 3:55 pm

I would just like to echo everything that Snail has said. Talking to your wife may help a little, we're not saying it will solve the problem. But there might be some kind of compromise between you both.


And on a slight side note. My Grandparents are in thier mid 70's and still have regular sex (Not something a Grandaughter woud care admit that she knows). So dont rule it out :).
You know you're a mum when the thought of food shopping alone becomes exciting.

When you and your significant other are having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen!! =]
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Re: help

Postby steve » Sat Jul 31, 2010 8:15 pm

we did speak about me finding a sex partner and for about 20 mins my wife said yes...until she had time to think about it and then she changed
her mind..
I already masturbate most days ...and i like to give pleasure as well as receive it so although the thought of masturbating over my wife is a real
turn on it seems a bit one sided.

We have discussed the problem a few times but it doesnt seem to help..
so the only option i seem to have is put up and shut up,i wonder how many more men and women are out there in the same boat..
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Re: help

Postby snail » Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:35 pm

There's another poster on here at the moment who's experiencing a problem which is in some ways similar to yours:
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=17122
I don't know whether you might be able to give each other any support at all?

Otherwise it does seem your options are to accept the status quo, or to leave your wife. If you are so unhappy I think that's something you should consider.
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