Page 1 of 1

The loneliness of miscarriage and infertility

Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 12:32 am
by spacegirl
Hi all,

this is probably more of an emotion dump than actually looking for advice but in looking through the pp topics I was surprised that there wasn't much about people struggling with infertility and the pain of miscarriage so I thought I'd get the ball rolling with my own experience and maybe others might want to join in. Miscarriage is an extremely lonely time. You think the pain will never go away and because we don't tell people about our pregnancies in the first trimester most people around you have no idea why you suddenly took two weeks off work, no-one knows what happened to you and your partner and the little loved one. We just grieve silently alone then put on a happy face, go back to work, socialise with friends and acquaintances, chat with the cashiers at tescos, all with a broken heart. People you see every day have no idea you're grieving. And that's mum as well as dad. Studies (I read a lot of studies) show that the effects experienced by women having suffered a miscarriage are symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. The shock and trauma of having hopes, dreams, and plans ripped away from you in an instant can have a long-lasting effect on women, but there is little to no support for couples following miscarriage. I didn't even see a doctor, which I massively regret now.

I fell pregnant quite quickly after my husband and I got married a year and a half ago and we were delighted! I was surprised it happened so quickly but didn't give it too much thought as I really didn't know or understand the struggles so many couples face so this was great news for us. Full of optimism and anticipation we started already having jokey arguments about names, conversations about the nursery, childcare and how happy our families would be to welcome the first grandchild. We told Mr Spacegirl's parents first, he stole Del Boy's pregnancy announcement when he told his family he and Raquel were expecting: "How many people do you see in front of you? Three!" (getting plenty of dad-joke practice in). The following week I was due to go home to Ireland to see my family and Mr S was on a trip with friends so I went alone. When I told my mum and dad they erupted with joy, they were so happy. The whole family were out for lunch the next day and my mum being my mum she couldn't keep a secret and started talking about getting all of our old toys down from the loft so of course my sister twigs on! That was a lovely day and it was nice to enjoy that moment of celebration with my extended family.

That night, I was awakened by the most horrible, seizing period-like cramps. I rushed to the bathroom and there was just blood everywhere, and that was it, over.

The hardest thing was waiting in Edinburgh Airport for Mr S. to get back from his trip. I hadn't told him as he wouldn't have been able to get home any earlier so there was no point in distressing him. I'll never forget the heartbreak on his face when I told him we'd lost our baby and all I remember is both of us just crying and hugging in the middle of the airport surrounded by crowds of holidaymakers and tourists in see-you-jimmy hats.

That was a year and a half ago. Every month my period comes and goes, I don't even bother with pregnancy tests anymore. We've been tested for everything imaginable and this week I was told I have polyps (benign tumours) in my uterus, probably causing the miscarriage, infertility and irregular bleeding. I'm over the moon to finally have something of an explanation but now I'm just terrified of what comes next. What are the risks if having them removed? If I get pregnant again will i have another mc? I don't know if I can do that again.

With 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, we just don't talk about it enough. Having a miscarriage was the loneliest experience of my life and I was astonished to learn how many people either had experienced it or knew someone who had when I told people what I'd been through.

While I'm still grieving, it does get easier, even if it doesn't feel like it ever will at the time. Lots of people get pregnant straight after miscarriage, I just have these pesky polyps getting in my way (mostly in Mr S's swimmers' way - sorry, TMI). I do try and take things in my stride and tell myself if it happens it happens, if it doesn't we have our lives ahead of us (although it's hard to ignore cold camera wands being shoved up your hoo-haa every few weeks when trying to keep my mind on other things!!!). Anyway, as I said this is probably more of a therapeutic brain dump but hopefully it gives some comfort to anyone reading this who has gone through or is going through the same thing.


Re: The loneliness of miscarriage and infertility

Posted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:06 pm
by highlandcow
Oh spacegirl. I cried reading this.

You're right, we don't talk about it enough. As with a lot of so-called 'women's problems' it's a subject that gets swept under the rug too often. I suspect that more people have suffered in this way than admit it. The only person I've ever talked to about miscarriage is my mother-in-law who had eight (EIGHT) miscarriages before carrying my husband to term.

I hope this post encourages more people to share in this space and find some comfort.

Re: The loneliness of miscarriage and infertility

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:50 pm
by spacegirl
This was a year ago, almost to the day. We've since been through IVF which ended in a miscarriage. Don't quite know where to turn next :(

Re: The loneliness of miscarriage and infertility

Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:57 am
by snail
Do you want to go on trying with the IVF?