help please

[paulbe1303]

hi

i don't know what to to about this situation
i have been married or 14 months our sex life used to be good no great but then she said she does not like it at all
she said even before we got married she just went thought the motions
now we might have sex about once a month or twice
she says its not personal as she had a bad experience when she was younger
but thought it would be all OK when we got married just feel rubbish
don't know if i want this any more

[snail]

If it's down to a previous bad experience, can you ask her to see a therapist or counsellor, or at least her GP? She owes it to you to do something about this, as it's making you very unhappy. Talk to her about seeing a professional and see what she says.

[Bel Bel]

I agree with Snail but it may also be that she has always been with people who are not giving her what she needs to enjoy it.
It might be worht investing in a good sex manual.
Often men don't concentrate enough on what a woman wnats or needs and don't relaise they are doping it wrong becasue the woman doesn't tell them what they need to do
Also make sure you give her plenty of affection without expecting sex.
You really need to talk about how to resolve this or get help to do so if you can't do it alone
Tell her you wnat her to tell you what she would like and what you are doing wrong, expect her to be brutally honest and really listen to what she has to say

[Aurelie]

Hi Paulbe1303,

It sounds like this situation is affecting you quite seriously.

Sex is something which requires both mental and physical involvement. If your wife has had a bad experience in the past then it is likely that this is still mentally haunting her. It may be that, although she obviously loves you and wants to enjoy your sex life, she mentally can't get past this awful experience. It is important that you help her to overcome the issue for the relationship, but more importantly for her. It would be awful to love someone so much and marry them, and then be held back by something you wished had never happened in your past.

Similarly, it would be awful if you gave up everything that you do have because of something neither of you have any control over, i.e. this experience. It may take a while to resolve, but in the mean time you can feel assured that you are working on it and will see improvements in the future.

When she says it isn't anything personal, then she will be telling you the truth. Getting married is a big thing in anyone's life, but unfortunately it doesn't just erase those things in our past that we would rather forget. Being married does however put you in a better position - one where she can be reassured that you will support and love her even while she is working out her bad experiences. Support is what's needed and you will work this out. It most likely will not be her fault that she has had this experience - everyone carries emotional baggage, some worse than others and unfortunately we can't just erase them and they can affect our future, even if we wished they wouldn't and had never happened. It might be ruining her enjoyment at the minute, but it doesn't have to also ruin your marriage.

As snail said, there are people who have experience in helping others move on from issues like this, counsellors which she can be referred to from seeing her GP. Or even talking to you might ease her anxiety and negative feelings about sex enough that she can start enjoying it again.

All the best,
Aurelie.