please help i think he might be gay

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please help i think he might be gay

Postby brownsarah » Mon Oct 16, 2006 4:18 am

I need some urgent advice. I found out my bfriend of 3 years has been looking at gay porn sites when i'm not at home once a week. They were all gay and bi-sexual pages, lots of them. Does this mean he's gay? and why is he hiding this from me...I love him and was shocked when i found out...
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Postby cmancini » Mon Oct 16, 2006 9:45 am

Hi Brownsarah
Sorry to hear your dilema, it must have been a great shock.
I can only say what I would do if I were in your position. Firstly you need to talk to your boyfriend and see what his reaction is. If he is really defensive or tries to lie then I'm afraid it doesn't look good.
As it is I would think this indicates at the very least your boyfriend may be bi-sexual. However much you love him you need to be sure he isn't likely to "experiment" behind your back.
Personally I think i'd have to walk away as I would never trust him again, and would worry constantly that he was gay. I have no probelems with people that are gay, or even bi-sexual as long as they are honest and have no time for men who are too scared to come out so ruin a womans life while they try to come to terms with their sexuality.
Sorry to be so blunt but I dont want to lie to you. I just can see no reason other than him being interested in men why he would want to look at gay porn. If he says he's curious then ask him WHY.
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just an update

Postby brownsarah » Mon Oct 16, 2006 10:25 am

Thanks claire, I have a real problem with confronting people and i dont know if i have the courage to do it. We have a baby together, are engaged and i love him more than anything. We have a 19 yr age gap in our relationship but thats never been a problem. He's 39, shouldnt he know his own sexuality by now? This is really upsetting me :(
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Postby seksiclaire » Mon Oct 16, 2006 10:50 am

Some people can go through their whole lives never knowing their sexuality and are just confused. How is your boyfriend with u regarding sex/intimacy? do you feel he is becoming distant? or are you quite close? When i read your post the first time i thought maybe someone else had been on his computer and looked at the gay porn, however when you say you have a baby together i figured its just the 3 of you that live together? therefore it is him thats looking at the porn. I have got to say that I agree with Claire in that there is only really one reason why a supposedly straight man is looking at gay porn - he is either gay/bi-sexual/extremely confused. If he was just "wondering" then wouldnt he have only looked the once? but you say its once a week. you have got to have a word with him and just ask him. say you were on the computer and you came across these porn sites in the browsers history, and why was he on these sites. If you do not ask him and find out the answer then you will be tearing your hair out and bubbling up inside worrying about the truth and you will just end up feeling extremely paranoid and things will escalate. Please have a word with him hun. Let us know how it goes. :)
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Postby PurePurple » Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:21 pm

Hiya Brownsarah, I personally think your boyfriend is looking at gay and bi porn sites because he "likes" the sight of 2 girls.. or 2 lads kissing.. or more with each other, I wouldnt suggest doing anything like that with him mind :o But I think you should tell him, or simply ask him why he feels the need to look at them.
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sorry

Postby smiley kylie » Mon Oct 16, 2006 8:22 pm

sorry ot here this but it does not mean his doin it to look at men he could be acting like a typical lad and lookin at two women kissin.
when u feel low look up at the sky and say ~ (who am i?)
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Postby brownsarah » Tue Oct 17, 2006 7:59 am

smailey&purple its def male orientated...I already am being paranoid! I'm so confused with the whole situation. When i ask him if he's happy he tells me he is although a lot of the time he is distant. He tells me he loves me every day. He doesnt look at other women and when half naked girls appear on the tv he frowns with disaproval. But i guess its just left me extreamly paranoid.
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Postby PurePurple » Tue Oct 17, 2006 6:03 pm

That is very weird.. I don't see why he feels the need to see, 2 girls or 2 boys doing "Stuff"
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Postby retrochav » Tue Oct 17, 2006 9:04 pm

first of all, dont panic! Many people fantasize about situations they would NEVER do in real life! As a gay guy i sometimes look at straight porn - sometimes for a laugh, sometimes feeling attracted to a girl.

I work on a building site and often blokes ask me what i do in bed, what it feels like etc. I doubt they ever try it for themselves but one or two have actually looked at gay porn sites.

Gay dating sites would be more of a worry as it may suggest he planned to take it further. What i would suggest is an informal chat about porn generally, and how he feels about it. Try not to be judgemental, so he can talk freely. Tell him that the Kinsey report back in the 1950s suggested on in ten men were exclusively homosexual, with the majority having some leanings and another minority exclusively without any gay thoughts ever! So most people might think about it at one time or other - even if just to think, oh no way!!!

You really cant move forward without talking about it, as it will crush your self esteem. To always wonder which way he is thinking is crucifying. He might be bi-curious, and never ever act on it, he might be bisexual. Chances are he loves you, and wants to talk about things - overwise why make it clear what he's looking at?!?

Some people can live with bisexuals, some bisexuals agree never to go with the same sex, sometimes it just cant work out. Have the chat and take it from there.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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update

Postby brownsarah » Mon Oct 30, 2006 7:04 am

ive listened to all of your advice and it helped me a lot but ive recently found some condoms in the house, the type used by gay men but the date on them is 2006 im so confused. i dont know what to do. there was a viagra tablet there too. I was ready to forget about what id seen and accept the fact that he is bi-sexual because i love him and if thats what his fantasy is then as long as it remains pure fantasy then thats ok, but now im not so sure...im so upset right now!
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Postby cmancini » Mon Oct 30, 2006 11:06 am

Brownsarah
I'm really sorry but you cant just bury your head in the sand. The clues are there, he may be bisexual or gay but he is not straight and that is what you were led to believe when you started dating him.
Please confront him. He owes you an explanation.
I know you must be heartbroken now but it's better to sort this out once and for all before it gets any worse. Would you want to get married, have kids then find out?
If he has feelings for men it will only get stronger as time goes on and you will end up getting hurt. Plus you have to consider if he will act on these feelings and possibly contract an std.
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Postby brownsarah » Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:15 pm

we already have a daughter and are engaged
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Postby Moose » Mon Oct 30, 2006 7:17 pm

Exactly, so that's even more reason to find out for certain. Where did you find the condoms and the Viagra? Were you going through private stuff, or did you just come across them? If you just came across them, you could just ask him why he had them - he doesn't need to know you've already seen the websites and already have suspicions at this stage.
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Postby lu310890 » Wed Nov 01, 2006 4:27 pm

omg i would just speak to him seriously and see what he is like.
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