women, insecurity and closets :'( - long post

For any problems related to sexuality, coming out & gay relationships.
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

women, insecurity and closets :'( - long post

Postby rain1983 » Tue Jan 23, 2007 6:04 am

I have a strange one that I'd appreciate some input in.
I started seeing a girl that I'd known for about a year before; when we first met, there was always chemistry and serious flirtation... real attraction. But I was coming to the end of a destructive relationship and my feelings for this other girl confused me too much. We didn't speak for a couple of months - I broke off contact - and I knew from other people that she still said that she liked me, that she wanted to see me again... She was uncertain about her own sexuality, adament that she was bi when it was obvious that she's gay but too scared of any backlash to even admit it to herself. She was 19 and I was just 21 when we first met, but she hadn't been with anyone before, at all.
Anyway, time passed and I apologised to her for being an utter idiot; we became friends again, chatted away the way we always had. The flirtation crept back into things again, until we happened to be out at a club with seperate friends and bumped into each other. She had way too much to drink and tried to kiss me, telling me that she wanted to take me home etc. I was on a break with my (now ex) partner and told her to cool it - in the end I had to sit with her because she was off her face on alcohol and got thrown out of the club for it. She phoned me outside saying that she was sorry for "ruining things" etc etc - then she went out the next night, got blootered again and started sending me texts that she wanted to sleep with me etc. I told her that she was being silly, especially because she hadn't done anything before. For a couple of weeks things between us got a bit frosty - I was annoyed at her for possibly putting herself in a difficult, compromising position (I've always been really protective of her) and she thought that I was just angry at her for coming onto me. She went home to the island that she comes from for summer, and we kept in contact, as friends. When we spoke, sometimes she would make it known that she had feelings for me; never OTT, just mild. I found a journal that she wrote on online where she spoke about how much she liked me, how much she missed me, how she felt like she'd "effed up everything"...
Time passed again and she came back to the city to get back into uni. She asked me to meet up with her, I panicked and said no; I found out how disappointed she was. After a couple of weeks, we met up for a coffee and it was still the same old chemistry and attraction, only stronger this time. She was very quiet at first and said it was because she didn't think I'd want to give her the time of day again; we started talking about things, I asked if she'd met anyone else. She said no and went quiet. In the end we ended up talking the way we always had talked; she seemed disappointed when I had to leave and perked up a bit when I agreed to fix something at her flat for her.
Anyway, a couple of weeks later, after a lot of intense flirting, we ended up kissing again at her place. I still lived with my ex (seperated) and given that my ex was extremely jealous and possessive, there was no way I could have said I liked anyone else. I couldn't stop thinking about this girl, we'd text each other all the time, I'd go see her for a few hours after college. I would have to stay at hers on a certain night because I travelled that far for college and because it was just her... I'd spend all week waiting for that one night.
Neither of us ever knew where we stood with each other, if we were just something casual or more, but I made reference to her as my girlfriend in passing one day and it just stuck. After a couple of months, we were watching a DVD and she asked me how I felt about her; she said she loved me and I said I loved her too. Then she left to go home and I got a text from her saying that she was in love with me.
I've been with her for going on 20 months now and I know that she's the absolute one for me; I can't see myself with anyone else, I don't want to be with anyone else. She says the same about me; she was the one who indicated that first. I'm 23 now and I've had a lot of things happen in my life that meant I had to grow up quickly; I feel like I'm 33 some days. Whereas she's 22 in summer and acts 22. She's still not out; whilst she admits that she's gay now, she refuses point blank to tell her parents. She flatshares with her sister and the only reason her sister knows about her is because she found lovenotes between us; her sister took it badly at first and my girlfriend refused to talk to her about it. Which I found really hurtful; she also went home through summer for 4 months and I never knew when I was going to see her. I felt like she was more preoccupied with keeping her sexuality a secret than seeing me. She always argues that she comes from a small island which is dominated by religion and she's too scared to come out, which I totally understand, but you can't live your life in fear, and you can't live it for other people. Before I got with her I treated women like rubbish and I know I did - I was an extremely detached partner who was more interested in going out with her mates and being the centre of attention. There were times when I only slept with someone because I was bored, or flirted with someone to pass the time; at the time, I thought I was doing what everyone did, but when I look back I'm quite disgusted by my behaviour. I changed totally when I got with her; I became a really emotional, affectionate partner who re-evaluated the way she was in terms of love and sex. Ultimately, to me, I met my other half and I didn't need any of the rubbish - didn't need to go pee money away on the gay scene with my mates, didn't need random girls to fancy me to feel good about myself, felt something emotional when I had sex. There are times when we're in bed and I've cried afterward because I actually feel something that I thought I'd never feel. She says that I was the only one who could reassure her that there was nothing wrong with what she was - but I don't particularly identify as gay anymore. I'm not attracted to men but I don't care about other women either - I'm in love with her, thats something beyond her gender. I just want to settle down and get on with life.
She's not interested in going out and meeting other women, but part of me keeps obsessing on the fact she hasn't been with anyone else; she argues that the fact she was 20 the first time meant that she wasn't interested in sleeping with just anyone, but I keep thinking that sooner or later she'll get curious and do it. She's never expressed an interest in doing so but it keeps going over and over in my head. I hate when we go out to the pub and I have to get drunk to stop thinking that everyone is ogling her and relax. I asked her to stop speaking to certain women that just tried it on with her and she did, but all I do is panic and work myself up. I even get jealous when she looks at female celebrities and there's times when I've mentioned celebrities I find attractive to see if she reacts with any kind of jealousy. I just don't think or see why she would want to be with me - she's beautiful and next to her I just feel plain and extremely insecure. I was really really hurt by last summer, when she went home for 4 months for work and I never knew when I would see her. Part of me thinks its all stemmed from that; I felt like my life was put on hiatus and everytime I just wanted to know when I could see my partner, I would get rebuffed. I've never had problems with insecurity on my part. She says she hates herself for going away and for hurting me and I know that you can't change the past. But all I think is that she puts more value on keeping herself in the closet than what she's doing to me. I feel completely insecure and hurt - I panic whenever she mentions anyone new who is female, I panic when I don't know when I'm seeing her, I've became a clingy, possessive, jealous person that I hate being. I keep thinking that I'm going to push her away by constantly questioning her, pressurising her to spend time with me etc. All I want is to feel like she does want to be with me and that she's not ashamed... I asked her if she wanted to consider moving in together when we'd been together 2 years and it took a fight for her to say that she'd want to but she doesn't know how she'd explain to her family why she's moving in with her "friend". I just feel tired of it all. I don't not want to be with her and I know that she's the one I'm going to be in love with for as long as I live. Every time I've tried to break it off we get back together because neither of us can be apart from each other and neither of us wants it to end. I asked her to come to relationship counselling and she just got upset, saying all they'd do is tell her she had to come out. But I don't get how you can be in a serious relationship where you talk about marriage and kids etc and keep it that private... blah. I proposed to her and she said that it was too soon, that she was only 21. But she talks about it and wears rings I bought her on her wedding finger; there's some days when she just says "you should have a ring there". When I say "you should put one there then" she just laughs and says "one day". When we go out she usually slips one of her rings on my wedding finger but I don't care about other women, no-one could hold a light to her. Someone pinched my backside when we were out a week ago - I told her because I wanted to leave (not for a reaction but because it made me uncomfortable and I wanted to leave the club, so I felt I should be honest as to why I suddenly seemed anxious to leave) and she went ballistic with jealousy. I just feel like its "push me pull me"; I want to settle down. I don't want to be jealous, I want my life with this woman. I don't have any contact with my family for other reasons and maybe it makes me more unsympathetic towards her problems with coming out etc. But she is my other half and I can't just walk away, if I did then there'd be nothing, part of me would die inside.
Please don't tell me that I should walk away because I don't want to and neither does she... we do want to make things work but I just wish I could snap my fingers and make certain things go away :(
rain1983
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:50 am

Postby chat noir » Tue Jan 23, 2007 1:59 pm

That's the longest post Ive ever read!

Ok, so you're female, right? You didn't actually say so I was unsure while I was reading it.

Have you tried actually saying what you said to us to her? If she's so preoccupied with trying to hide her sexuality, you could encourage her to come out to her parents, maybe you could go with her to help? would her parents take it badly, or is she just afraid of admitting the truth, like she was when she insisted she was only bi and not gay?
chat noir
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 216
Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2006 7:02 pm

Postby rain1983 » Tue Jan 23, 2007 2:19 pm

Hi there :)

Yeah, I'm female. And yup - all the time, ended up in arguments and in tears and possibly every emotion possible. But she still won't budge. Her response is that she comes from a small religious community and is terrified of losing her family. When I point out to her that if her family love her as much as she says they do, they wouldn't disown her, she just responds with "my parents would have no-one to talk to about it..." Part of me wonders if she doesn't want to make it real by coming out, but she's messing with my head on a huge scale. I never know what to say or do or when I can be myself with her. I've been out since I was about 17 and don't really care if other people (including family) have a problem with it so in some ways this is a semi-step back for me. There's been times during our relationship when I've been made to feel like a small little freak of nature just because I'm gay and I NEVER would have felt that way before; its just a part of me, I'm not proud of nor am I ashamed of it. But anytime I've tried talking to her about it she won't budge.

Btw, sorry re length, I do tend to rant lol
rain1983
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:50 am

Postby chat noir » Tue Jan 23, 2007 3:55 pm

hmmm. sounds like she is avoiding making it 'real', maybe thats why she didnt want to admit being fully gay at first and just said she was bi. why would her parents need to talk to someone about it? its not anyone elses business is it really? is she an only child? sometimes if an only child is gay they dont want to admit it to their parents because they know they'll never get grandkids I guess.. her parents need to know but nobody else does, she's their daughter, if they dont understand maybe she's best off detaching herself from them like you did.
chat noir
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 216
Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2006 7:02 pm

Postby Moose » Tue Jan 23, 2007 8:06 pm

Hi Rain,
I'm 24 in a few days and I came out to my parents at the weekend so what you've written is pretty close to my heart, especially at the moment.

I made such a massive deal of the whole parents thing, distanced myself from them for about 4 years, and told everyone that we didn't get on and they didn't understand me etc - which was what I actually believed - but since the weekend, I've realised that actually, the fact we didn't get on and didn't communicate properly was MY fault. I convinced myself that they wouldn't be able to cope with the news of my sexuality (even to the point that I told them I was gay when I'm actually bi - I thought they wouldn't "get" being bi. The funny thing was that my dad actually asked me if I was exclusively gay, which then enabled me to say well actually, no...) that they would disown me (I told them a week before my birthday so that they wouldn't go and spend money on stuff for me only to find out I was gay and have to take the stuff back) and that it would be a massive shock to them. Actually, they already knew. Well, they had guessed.

I can 100% relate to your girlfriend and her feelings. She's in a serious relationship with you, and she wants to be with you, but she is terrified of telling her family. That doesn't mean she loves you any less - she's just very scared. She's probably also scared that she's going to lose you. Forget that you're her first and you got together when she was 20. Some people get the whole "I want to try being with other people" thing, and others don't. That's a risk whatever age you get with someone, I think. Is it really such an issue for you that she can't come out to her family? If so, why? Would you want to go round for tea and Christmas and stuff? You mention you don't see your own family - would you like to be able to see a partner's family, or are you happy without doing the family thing at all?

Above all, from my own experience, I would strongly advise you against pressuring or even trying to persuade (in a nice way) your girlfriend to tell her parents. She will do it when and if she is ready. You say you feel older than 23 - if that's the case, then you'll know that people go through massive changes emotionally, with their confidence, and general outlook in their early 20s. I certainly have. A year ago I was mooning about saying how I would have to cut myself off from my family because I could never be myself with them - actually, I was saying that just over a week ago! Then something snapped at the end of last week and I had to tell them. Can I just say again, I was so so so so SO scared of doing it, and it was not a decision I made easily. Your girlfriend might do the same - just because she hasn't told them yet, it doesn't mean she never will do. Maybe she never will. But will that make a difference to your relationship with her?

If you want to chat at any point, PM me. Good luck with it all!
User avatar
Moose
Taken Root
Taken Root
 
Posts: 2003
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2004 8:41 pm
Location: A forest
Gender: Female

Postby rain1983 » Tue Jan 23, 2007 10:14 pm

Hi Moose,

I totally get where you're coming from and I totally appreciate it. I don't feel like she has to come out per se but she's EXTREMELY close to her family - like she won't do anything without checking its ok with her parents. I find that a little strange from a grown woman who has lived away from home since she was 18 but I accept that she needs to feel a part of her family and that they are an important part of her life. But I don't see how she can be so close and so interdependent on her family's approval of everything she does yet be hiding a serious relationship from them.
Just wanted to clarify that point up! Off for a nice night out with her though so will respond properly later :)
rain1983
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:50 am

Postby dappychick88 » Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:08 am

I agree with Moose on this one. As much as you want to be with this girl, and for her to be completely happy about being with you and her family not knowing, you can't pressure her - that will only drive her away. All you can do is be there to support her, and help her when the time comes to tell her family - just leave the timing up to her.

I would say that i am in a similar position with my family as your girlfriend is with hers. Not on the religious scale, but that i am very close to my mum and usually ask her approval before i do anything. It is very hard when a tricky subject comes up, and you want to tell your family, but feel you can't. I also have the same problem with coming out to my family - i am bi, but i have no idea how i am to tell my family, especially as they only know that i have had relationships with guys and they don't know about the girls. Again, just stick beside her and tell her that you are there for her all the time.

I hope this helps, and good luck with it all.

Moose - can i ask how long it took you to come out to your family, i.e. how long did you keep your sexual 'identity' secret from them???
Thanks
dappychick88
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2005 1:24 pm

Postby Moose » Sun Feb 04, 2007 11:53 am

dappychick88 wrote: Moose - can i ask how long it took you to come out to your family, i.e. how long did you keep your sexual 'identity' secret from them???
Thanks


Hi - I'll PM you so I don't take over Rain's thread! :)
User avatar
Moose
Taken Root
Taken Root
 
Posts: 2003
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2004 8:41 pm
Location: A forest
Gender: Female

Postby bellajennie » Sun Feb 04, 2007 10:21 pm

I can imagine how difficult everything is for you at the moment, but I have to agree with Moose. Just because coming out is hard for her it doesn't mean she loves you any less. It occurs to me that, coming from a hugely religious island, her biggest dillemas are with herself, she probably feels that she is in turmoil inside over going against her religious upbringing. In this case, no wonder it is hard for her to admit that to her parents. 21 is young to discount the feelings of your family, especially if you feel she is not as mature as you. She is probably frightened and nervous, and bound inside by the opinion towards homosexuality that she has been brought up with. Once she feels comfortable with herself she may tell her parents. Until this happens (and she is comfy with ideas of getting engaged etc totally) you will probably just have to be really patient. Not that that's easy at all, but as you love her, I think you will probably be able to make the right decision.

Jennie x xx
The World is Your Oyster - If only you could get the damn thing open!
User avatar
bellajennie
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 221
Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2005 10:34 am
Location: Atop a big hill!


Return to Sexuality

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron