need some advice

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need some advice

Postby Seiya » Tue Mar 13, 2007 5:19 am

Hi there all. I'm new here and I really need peoples advice or opinions.
I'm nearly 30 and i'm confused as to what I want in life. I mean I want a family and a partner someday but ( and here's where it gets screwy ) I think I'm gay. I don't wanna be cos I want my own kids. I have tried to watch straight porn but it does zip for me, switch to 2 guys makin out and suddenly i can't walk for the bar of steel that's in between my legs.

Also I know what kind of society we live in today, and no matter how much people say they aren't bothered, you can sense that they are. And therein lies my second problem. I very much need my friends, and I'm just not sure they'd look at me the same way if I came out to them, and to be completely frank I'm terrified that if they find out then they don't ever want to speak or get in contact ever again. That would destroy me. The other day I got all weepy about my fear of dying alone to a mate of mine and it all very nearly came out , cue the sidewards glances, he's been fine since but I think he's tryin to avoid me.

Thirdly is My Brothers and Parents. They are against anything Gay, My Brother was watching Torchwood on BBC2 and he was enjoying it until that guy starts kissin other guys and he ain't watched it since. My Mum and Dad have actually asked me a couple of times if I was gay and I chickened out of coming clean because if I did then I 'd get kicked out of the house so fast my head would spin and then I'd be exactly 2 parents short as they'd disown me.

Right now I'm putting on a front as I've always done but inside i'm screaming. I don't want to feel like this anymore cos i'm sure I'm going to go crazy one day and hurl myself off the roof or something. But I just can't see a solution. Please advise me.
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Postby lidopig » Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:03 am

Hi Seiya!
You'd be surprised at the number of people going (or having gone) through what you are.For a start just about every single gay person!
My own slant on this,and it's hard =P~ oops sorry couldn't resist that lol,is that honesty is the best policy.Coming to terms with your sexuality is best shared with support.Friends and family preferably,support organisations as well.So what if you lose a few friends? REAL friends stand by theirs.In my experience,family usually come round.After all they love you and that should overide everything.
I'm not very good at putting all this together,but good luck,and DON'T despair.PM me if you like.
I hope RETROCHAV picks up on this post,because he's got most if not all the answers,and is far better at writing it down than me!
Good luck,keep in touch.
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Postby Seiya » Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:32 pm

Thanks for the prompt reply, and I do appreciate the thought about how Real friends will stick by me no matter what, but the thing is while I've not exactly grown up with my mates they're like brothers to me and I can't lose them as mates, as I've said it'd destroy me.
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Postby lidopig » Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:15 am

Hi again!
That's my whole point, "Brothers" are not in the habit of abandoning their own family! Until you start to share the burden,it's going to continue to overwhelm you.If you're adamant about your mates,start with a support group for gays coming out.Here you will get advice as well as support.
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Postby crazy_in_love » Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:04 am

hey, first of all oud be surprised but your friends most probably know your gay already. they know these things. i had a male friend, who everyone knew he was gay, it took him 6 years to come out and when we all just said 'yeh we know' he was shocked because he didnt think we knew and it had taken him all this worrying and time to tell us. your right a lot of people dnt accept gay people, but they obviously arent the people that matter in your life, except your parents of course. I really dnt knw how tohelp you on that note. about having kids, you could always adopt, so thats not a problem.
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Postby katie86 » Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:33 pm

One of my friends (he is 19) is gay and he came out about a year ago. I had a really good chat with him about it one day and what he said to me is that he was so happy when he told everyone. It was like a weight lifted from his shoulders and I can honestly say I have never seen him so happy and bubbly, I think he has really come out of his shell since.

Whilst overall the outcome has been very good for him he still has had to face his family and friends about it and it wasn't without a bit of heartache. He told his mum, she was shocked but was fine about it, I know his mum very well and all she has ever said to me is that she can't believe how much more outgoing he is now and is very happy for him.
He was petrified of telling his dad. He too thought his dad was anti gay and was going to disown him. His dad in fact actually took it quite well, but he was shocked and it did take him a while to be ok about talking about it.
His friends to begin with were nice about it. They then started leaving him out of things and not getting in touch with him. But eventually they did come round to the idea and now they are all best of friends again and are fine about it. I think it was only really because they were shocked and didn't know how to deal with it, and I think it is also a reflection on the fact that at 18 they were a bit misinformed and a little immature.
His younger brother who was 15,and like your brother was a bit squeamish about homosexuality. Initially I have to say he was quite horrible about it but again he has warmed to the idea and they now get on better than before. I think people make very flippant remarks about gay people sometimes and I don't think they really think about what they are saying, don't take to heart what your brother has said.

My friend is the sort of person who is very quick to put a brave face on things so I am under no illusions that this was a really hard thing for him to do, but at NO point did he ever say 'I wish I hadn't told anyone', instead he would say, 'I'm so glad I told everyone and its just out now and I don't have to keep this up anymore.'

I personally don't ever think you can stop loving your children. Things will most probably get worse before they get better but they will get used to it in time. And even if they don't, I know my friend was going through absolute hell trying to cover things up and make out he was straight to everyone, it changed his life coming out and i'm so happy for him. The thing is, people don't like change, and they get very uncomfortable when something or someone changes in their view, but people are adaptable, they do get used to it.

It sounds like your parents already know, and I think your friends probably do too, I certainly knew my friend was gay, I wasn't shocked at all! If your parents were going to go mad about it I think they would have done already.

Gay couples can still adopt or foster children. There are so many children who are crying out for a loving home, I can't think of anything more rewarding than to offer that to someone. It doesn't mean you can't be happy or have a family. You aren't going to be conventional, but why does that matter really?

I know there is an age gap between you and my friend but I hope that helps you a little bit to hear what someone else has been through.
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Postby Seiya » Tue Mar 20, 2007 5:36 am

Firstly I want to thank all the people who took the time to read and post.

I think I've identified my major fear. I am quite frankly terrified of dying alone, ordinarily I wouldn't be thinking of such a morbid thing but I got talking to a friend the other day, and I outlined the problem to him and he said don't worry you won't die alone.

And that clicked with me, I am frightened of dying alone.

I keep thinking and imagining that I've come out to everyone who I care about and they're not gonna take it too well and disown/not want anything to do with me, and I go through life with no one to talk to or turn to. I have problems being in the house alone never mind going through life by myself.

I know I need to stop thinking this way, but I also know it's a possibility.

All things considered I have to say I am putting on a remarkable act but I think it's starting to take it's toll on me, I am crying a lot nowadays and I can't seem to find solace anywhere.
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Postby morris mouse » Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:15 pm

Seiya wrote:I am crying a lot nowadays and I can't seem to find solace anywhere.


"Seiya"

After reading your post,I'm so sorry to read,that,as you put it,you are crying a lot,and that you can't seem to find solace anywhere. :cry:

As has already been said,TRUE friends will accept you exactly as you
are!! :)


I hope everything works out well for you in the future. 8)
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Postby retrochav » Fri Mar 23, 2007 11:26 pm

Being gay isnt the same as being alone. Why not contact the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (24hrs) to find gay groups around your area.

Once you have a few gay friends you will see that we have each other, and increasingly we have the friends we always had anyway. You may want to talk to FLLAG which is an organisation for friends and family of gays and lesbians. They are straight, and many had issues at first, but real love and friendship will always find a way of keeping people close - even if that means compromise on both sides.

As for a family, well i am gay, i was a guardian for two kids full time for two years, and in the years since have childminded and cared for loads of children. Many are now teenagers, straight and certainly not homophobic. If you care for children you will have a positive role to play helping your straight mates to raise their kids. You could even have your own through arrangement with a girl, or adopt or foster. What children need worldwide is love and protection - and those arent exclusive qualities to hetrosexuals.

Nothing in life comes easy, i have been out since i was 14 and me and my straight mates are always wondering if each other has it easier! Truth is no one has it easy, but we can make it easier by being true to ourselves
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby Seiya » Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:11 am

hiya all sorry about the absence. I'm still no closer to finding a solution but I have bigger fish to fry at the moment so i 'm not dwelling on my problems as much. I'm not crying these days cos I've sort of toughened up a bit and i've come up with a personal motto

* if they don't like me for who i am, then they never really mattered in the first place*

Or I could shorten it to

* if they don't like me they can sod off*
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