sexuality - completely lost

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sexuality - completely lost

Postby sdr45 » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:58 pm

Ok its hard to know where to begin with this I have let it go on so long. to really condense here goes:

Im 25 (female) and up until last year have always considered myself completely straight, i had never even half heartedly kissed another girl, ive had various serious boyfriends and all my (main) crushes as a young teen were on male celebrities etc.. you get the picture. That is not to say I had never had fantasies about women but these were always kept completely secret and I had always pushed them to the back of my mind dismissing them as "well im straight so its not as if id ever do anything about them".

Anyway, 2 and half years ago I moved job and made friends with a girl at work. We got on extremely well and became really good friends and after a while I found out she was in fact in a relationship with a woman. On more than one occasion we ended up kissing on a night out (which I would write of as being drunk the next day). More time passed and her relationship deteriorated with each passing day and she eventually confessed that (among many reasons) one reason was that she had fallen in love with me and although had tried to fight this (as I kept affirming I was straight) couldnt anymore so she broke her relationship off. Over this time I began to realise that as much as I didnt want them I had feelings for her also, we became emotionally involved very deeply with one another and this then progressed into a full relationship (albeit a secret one on my part).

Im now almost a year down the line with this "relationship" and more confused than ever - i have days when I am filled with love for her, and physically desire her and then other days when i am filled with a great deal of anger and am capable of being quite cruel as I am so unhappy. In someways I feel like I want to push her away so all the problems I am faced with go away too.

I have confessed what is happening to one close friend only and feel like I am stuck now. Trouble is I dont feel as if I can just walk away and pick up with a man now as I feel I have messed everything up and should have just left things alone. She means alot to me, more than any man I have been with - but I have been able to be happier in a relationship with a man because my life around the relationship can be happy too - not wracked with guilt and fear and doubt - so should I leave and try and find a man!?

I am really having such a hard time accepting what is happening and even understanding it. Can anyone offer me any advice - I feel like ive lost who I am.
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Postby queenieplum » Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:21 pm

Hi there, after reading your post I just think that its not her that you are unconfortable with but yourself for the secrecy and also the belief that you 'should' be in a relationship with a man to be happy.

I think it also says something on your girlfriends part for her to accept that she is your 'secret' rather than partner, she must think a lot of you to accept that.

Although I have no direct experience with this I just think in life when you fall in love, its very hard to control who that person is, and she obviously means a lot to you, why walk away from someone who means so much to you?

Do you have a circle of friends who you fear you would lose with your revelation? Or family? I can understand that you are fearful of this, however, if they truely cared and loved you then they would accept this, maybe it will take time. But at least then, you won't have to live in fear that someone will find out your secret or it be another cause of a row between you and your girlfriend.

You say you feel that you have lost 'who you are', why not stand up for what you feel and be proud, I think its when you have done this then you will have found yourself again.

You may never find in a man anything as special as you have found in your girlfriend, and you could be kicking yourself for not sticking with it.
******Always look on the bright side of life******
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:45 pm

I totally agree with queeniplum
You may also end up with a man again one day.
You may be bi sexual but you shouldn't feel the need to decide just be happy with who you are at any give time
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Postby Moose » Thu Dec 13, 2007 6:08 pm

Hi there,
You sound a lot like my gf in the first couple, even 3 years of our relationship. She hadn't been with another woman before (I am your age and she is twice my age, plus a year!) and said that she hadn't had feelings for women before or since me. I always knew I was either gay or bi (like your gf, I'm assuming), but my gf and I have split up several times, and one of the reasons is usually because she says she isn't gay or bi and I am a one-off. We did keep things totally secret for a while, but as you will know, it's extremely stressful and difficult to keep a relationship totally secret. More people than you realise probably either know or suspect about your relationship.

I think you're being very hard on yourself by saying you should have left things alone - who's to say you wouldn't have met another girl a couple of months or years down the line who turned your head? If you finish your relationship with her now, and you meet a man who you fancy and want to start a relationship with, you will be able to do it. I'm not saying you would straight away, but given time, you would - it would be like any new relationship.

What is your relationship with your family like? I came out to my family this year, and although things haven't been great at all, in myself I feel a million times better and I feel like I can cope with my own relationship better as well. Before, when there were lots of secrets, it was hard if we'd had a row, because I couldn't talk to people the same way as a straight girl would if she'd had a row with her bloke. I couldn't say why I was down when we'd split up, and would cringe and feel guilty if people asked if I had a boyfriend. I couldn't even do what I wanted to with my hair because I didn't want people saying I looked like a lesbian!

I'm not saying come out because life will be easier, but I do understand how you feel, and know how damaging it can be to you, your partner, and everyone close to you if you keep your relationship a secret. It just blows it out of proportion, and the fact you can't talk to people other than your gf prevents you from getting real perspective.

You said your gf was in a relationship with another woman. Did people know about this? Do you think people might be thinking you're in a relationship with her anyway, if you're spending a lot of time together and staying overnight etc? Or are you very private about even your friendship?
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Postby all_apologies » Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:35 pm

Your post hits close to home for me in a lot of ways. I'm in a slightly different situation from you in that I'm not in a relationship (have only had straight relationships in the past) and am avoiding pursuing a gay one because I'm still closeted. In a way, I'm dealing with the same feelings that you are. I'm not doubtful about my sexuality but I am scared of the repercussions of being in a gay relationship. One thing in particular that stuck out to me was this:

She means alot to me, more than any man I have been with - but I have been able to be happier in a relationship with a man because my life around the relationship can be happy too - not wracked with guilt and fear and doubt - so should I leave and try and find a man!?


I too have been wrestling with this idea for the past while. I've been making myself so unhappy in my current situation that I keep thinking that I should just settle down with another guy and get on with it. It'd be so much easier, wouldn't it? But then my rational side kicks in (thank God!). To go out with the intent of finding a man just because it's conventional and easy would just swap one problematic situation for another. In my case, it'd be a complete lie becuase I'm not remotely attracted to men, and even in your case it'd be a lie unless your feelings for him were genuine. Obviously, you'd be unhappy (and probably pining after your girl) and it also would be so unfair on the potential guy to be strung along.

It's true that you can't help who you fall for, and I actually think you're lucky in a way, because you've found someone that you love and have managed to build a relationship in spite of your struggles. This is definitely worth a lot, and I think you should remind yourself of that instead of focusing on the fact that you're having difficulties with keeping it a secret. At least from what I gather, you have to remember that it's not your actual relationship that's the problem, it's the situation in the context of the rest of your life (i.e. family, friends etc).

If it feels like she's the right one for you (you say she means more than anyone else you've ever been with), then I quite honestly think you need to tackle the other side of things rather than jeopardise your relationship. And believe me, I know this is one of the hardest things you could ever contemplate doing. Have you taken any steps towards coming out to your loved ones? I personally haven't, but have come round to the idea that the one thing that might make me do it is if I end up in a relationship that means something to me. Is it really worth risking?
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Postby sdr45 » Fri Dec 14, 2007 8:39 pm

firstly I want to thank you all for all your sensitive and thoughful posts - this may sound a bit odd but I felt extremely emotional reading them as this is the first time I have ever been able to really talk about this and I cant tell you even the relief it is just to have someone say they have been through something similar (or can even understand).

My friends are wonderful and my partner agrees that I am doing them a great disservice by keeping all this bottled up as they are open minded and I know they care about me but it almost seems as if I have constructed this weird life around myself for so long now - a life of secrets and fear and guilt that it has became a safety for me. Its so stupid because I know im not happy like this but im too scared to make even baby steps forward to having a "real" relationship. I feel like im clinging onto the edge and not wanting to let myself fall.

Its odd really as you say everyone must have a fair idea of what is going on - yes my partner was openly with a woman previously and all her friends know about us - but i have to say that I then dont feel comfortable around her friends (who are all straight incidentally) as I feel like I dont know how to be. It sounds like the strangest thing in the world because I have never thought previously that I was defined by my sexuality and I know that I am not but I feel paralysed by people thinking of me in a certain way.

She does love me very much and i feel has been through so much to be with me - against all odds really that it hurts me when I back away and cant give her all she wants. I feel often i find myself picking faults - which I would probably never pick if she were male - as such a stupid part of my brain is thinking "ok well if im going to turn my life upside down and have to deal with all this stuff then you have to be perfect to make up for it all".
I hate myself for thinking like this - when we are alone and I can forget this all goes away.

As for telling my family - i am lucky to have loving parents but parents that i do think expect certain things from me (ie grandkids..) and my big factor with telling my parents - who are traditional in their views is that im so consumed with doubt just now i dont want to have the conversation with my mum (who will invariably call this a phase) and in my fragile state of mind allow her to mess with my mind further. I feel like I need to approach that from a position of strength and assurity.

anyway hope my ramblings are making some sense...(they dont make much to me! :))
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Postby all_apologies » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:30 pm

Wow, some of the things you’ve written there are so scarily reminiscent of my own life:

it almost seems as if I have constructed this weird life around myself for so long now - a life of secrets and fear and guilt that it has became a safety for me.


and

…never thought previously that I was defined by my sexuality and I know that I am not but I feel paralysed by people thinking of me in a certain way.


are dead on. I feel exactly the same. The thing you said about dreading the thought of people thinking about you in a certain way – I totally relate to this. It’s almost like by being in the closet you’re letting your personality define you, but by coming out you’re letting others’ perception of your sexuality define you, right? At least, that’s how I feel. But, you’ve said you have really accepting friends. You’re therefore in the best possible position for coming out to them, if/whenever you decide to. One of my problems is that I think I’d make a lot of my friends uncomfortable, and if you don’t have that worry then that’s really great.

Do you think your parents are suspicious at all? I ask because your friends probably aren’t your biggest worry if they’re quite liberal, but still you’re pushing your girlfriend away. Why? Is this triggered specifically by anything, or does it just happen from time to time?

So, yeah, probably not a lot of help (I don’t necessarily think I’m the best person to offer actual advice on this, because I’m stuck in a similar rut), but as you say it sometimes helps to know that there are others who are in a similar situation. There are other folks on here that I know can offer more.

Stick around and keep us up to date on your progress.
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