I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

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I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby The Annonymous Potato » Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:04 am

Well, I know I'm deffinatly not straight. I suppose I've always known that really. But Recently I'm really starting to question whether I'm bisexual or lesbian........

I've not actually come out as bisexual yet. I've joked around with the idea of my sexuality with my step sister, and even though she said she would be totally cool with it, I still can't bring myself to come out.

My dad and step mom are pretty open minded aswell actually. They seem quite pleased I've befriended a lesbian who everyone ignores. I don't know how my step brother would react though.......probably ok.

I really want to come out, but once again i find myself questioning my sexuality, not am i straight or bi, but am i bi or gay? what do you think?

On average, I would say that I'm far more likely to gawk at an attractive guy i don't know, and If there were a sample of 100 girls and a 100 guys and I was asked out of the 100's how many of them I was attracted to, there would be far more guys. probably more than 50, and with girls it may well be less than 10, maybe less than 5. but I would feel more desire and attraction to those girls than all the guys i chose put together.

So on average I'm attracted TO MORE guys, but I AM MORE attracted to girls. So I'm starting to wonder if I'm a lesbian and just physically attracted to men.

I really can't actually see myself in a long-term relationship with a guy, but on the other hand, I can't see myself in a short term relationship with a girl.

When I'm attracted to girls it's far more intense and meaningful, when I'm attracted to guys it's usually more exciting, but not really too sexually exciting. So I start to wonder if I'm really attracted to guys at all. I look for opposite charactereistics in girls and guys, yet I'm far more attracted to girls. Can a bisexual person be more attracted to one gender than the other but still be bisexual and attracted to both?

I plan to come out soon anyway. Should I come out as bisexual, and then later if i decide i'm not attracted to guys, come out again? :-?
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby Moose » Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:35 am

The Annonymous Potato wrote: So on average I'm attracted TO MORE guys, but I AM MORE attracted to girls. So I'm starting to wonder if I'm a lesbian and just physically attracted to men.


This is exactly how I used to be, and when I came out to my parents I told them I was bi. Now I realise I was confusing finding some men attractive with, well, really wanting to be with a man. The difference now is that even if I see a fit bloke, I still can't imagine going out with him, having a relationship, or doing any normal relationship things with him. So now I identify as a full blown lesbian, but that was only after years of "what am I?!"

All I would say to you is that once you have come out as something, it's difficult to un-come out, and people always say to me now "I thought you were bi", which gets on my wick a bit, even though it's my fault not theirs.
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Sep 22, 2008 10:12 am

I think tell them you are bi, its easier, then you have years to think which you prefer.

I don't see why you need to justify your self to anyone to be honest, if you tell them you are bi, and then you find yourself in 10 years thinking your a lesbian then so be it, at least they know you are bi and then you don't need to explain it again. Also if you come out now and say you are a lesbian and you find a man you are totally attracted to and want to spend the rest of your life with then your family might think you are just taking him for a ride.
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby all_apologies » Mon Sep 22, 2008 10:24 am

Moose wrote:
The Annonymous Potato wrote: So on average I'm attracted TO MORE guys, but I AM MORE attracted to girls. So I'm starting to wonder if I'm a lesbian and just physically attracted to men.


This is exactly how I used to be... Now I realise I was confusing finding some men attractive with, well, really wanting to be with a man. The difference now is that even if I see a fit bloke, I still can't imagine going out with him, having a relationship, or doing any normal relationship things with him.


I second this. I started off by thinking I might be bi. I found guys attractive and in fact had a couple of pretty long-term relationships with guys. Then I started acknowledging my feelings towards women. The feelings had always been there, but I hadn't really given them much thought. I used to think I got weird obsessions for certain females, when in actual fact, this was what actually 'fancying' someone felt like, I'd just never experienced it with a guy.

Once I realised this, I then went through a phase of thinking that I was bi. It's a really confusing time when you start to accept you're not straight, and I also think it can seem safer to say you're bi. At this point, I obviously found women attractive but it was quite selective. And intense. Yet I could still see a guy and think he was hot.

In the past few years I've accepted that I'm gay. Yeah, I can recognise a hot guy, but any straight girl can realise that a girl is attractive, just as a straight guy can see that another guy is too. It doesn't mean you're attracted to them. Just as Moose said, it's easy to confuse finding someone attractive with actually wanting ot be with them.

Since accepting my sexuality, I feel that I've come along way. My attraction to women is much more diverse than it used to be, and I think this is because I'm allowing it to be. I used to feel as though, like you, my female crushes were far more selective than males, but I don't really feel like this any more. I've said before that as soon as I actually allowed myself to fancy girls freely, I started to like a lot more of them! The more intense feelings are still limited to a select few, but then I think this is usually the case with anyone, regardless of their sexuality.

What I'd advise at this point is to stick it out without trying to label yourself just yet. This is so clichéd, I know! I only say this because you sound like you're at the stage I was at when I first joined PP, and all it took me was time (and a lot of posts on here!) Don't try to limit the way you feel. If you fancy a girl, go with it. If you fancy a guy, don't think "oh but I had just decided I was gay!". Keep an open mind and follow your attractions. It'll become clear much quicker that way than if you try to over-analyse.
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby The Annonymous Potato » Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:42 am

It's been a couple of months since I posted this, and a lot has changed. Today I finally came out to my best friend, and he was brilliant. :D

Recently I seem to be sliding down a slippery path of destructive honesty, and today, has just been like that film, "liar liar" for me. I just haven't been able to repress a thing today. I've just been so used to repressing everything from rage to lust, that I've just been automatically lying about everything without realising, that's why I felt so introverted. But since I faced my demons, stood up to my manipulative mother, with the truth, I just haven't been able to stop releasing all my feelings, I'm addicted to this newfound sensation!

So when I was telling my best friend who is a guy and does not go to the same school as me or know any of my other friends, about how this honesty was becoming infectious, he said that although he is a very secretive person, people seem to trust him with their deepest darkest secrets. I asked what kind of secrets, he didn't mention names but themes like underage sex and hidden sexuality. Hidden sexuality? hello, heres a chance to mentally tick something of my long-term to-do list.

So I told him I was Bi, and I have to say, I have never experienced such relief! He was totally cool with it, more than cool with it, he said "Thats great! now i have lesbian friend and a bi friend now i need a gay friend to complete the set". To be honest he was just practice, because I knew he'd be like that.

My step sister thinks I'm gay sometimes, so I know she'll be cool with it, I'm going to go on a "coming out spree" I love this feeling! I'll tell her next, then my dad and stepmom, then my female best friend, maybe then I'll freak out a homophobic person I know, then perhaps I'll tell my lesbian friend, Then maybe, just maybe I'll tell the one person who I want to tell more than anyone. :wink:

Thanks for the advice. And to anyone Who's thinking of coming out, it can be a really amazing sensation. :)
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby all_apologies » Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:48 am

The Annonymous Potato wrote: ...maybe then I'll freak out a homophobic person I know...


Ha, that made me laugh.

Nice one, I'm really pleased at how well it's gone for you so far and how liberated you now feel. Keep us updated on how it goes as you tick each person off of the list. I'm also jealous of how brave you are, good for you!
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:36 pm

Well done.
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby lu310890 » Fri Nov 28, 2008 2:36 am

Firstly well done for being brave.

I noticed you mentioned that you were at school and you also never mentioned your age so you have to be quite young. A lot of my friends when i was in high went through a bi curious faze and one did question whether they were bisexual. Its quite common to in girls to experiment than boys. Depending what age you are i would give it time because my friend who was going through a bi curious faze when she was 14 is now completely interested in guys and shes 19 now so everyone does change i wouldnt question yourself so much, experiment with both i suppose and see how you go then i would say its fair to answer anything - what you feel comfortable with.
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby Aligator » Sun Nov 30, 2008 12:25 pm

good for u...i'm glad u found out ur bi. Its realy confusing sometimes and hard but when u get through its the best feeling...(straight but at one point not sure)
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby The Annonymous Potato » Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:52 am

thanks. i'm pretty sure I'm at least bi, i've always been really. so no, it's not a phase. Actually I'm in the 6th form, I say school instead of college, because it's connected to a school. :)

Also, I ticked a few more names off that list. I told my family.

when I told my best friend, I felt a sense of liberation, I was relieved. It was a real sensation, a buzz, total high. I'm so sure of my sexuality and so at ease with it now, I could never have expected to feel uncomfortable or embarrased when i told my family. my step sister had "I knew it!!" written all over her face, my step mom, after a few moments of awkward silence and disbelief finally began a mini-speech on how "Bi is cool", while my Dad just stared constantly at the table or a magazine which he was clearly not reading at all, until he eventually spoke to object to categorization and stereotyping in society. Or perhaps he just can't accept it, and he's just trying to deny it or discard it as a phase because "Bi is cool" apparently.But I must say my step brother's reaction was probably the funniest "Now we can look at porn together and talk about winking and girls".

I told them a week ago, and so far there has not been a day where I've seen my step brother or sister and they haven't brought it up or asked me questions about being bi. I don't think they understand that bi means 2. Whenever I tell a "straight joke" or say "he's fit" they say "I thought you were bi". Yet when i say something like "there was a really hot girl on the bus today" they're suprised. ](*,)

But I think thats it for the coming out spree (for now). My step brother and sister have already told a load of people they know, most of whom I've never met. So that's about 30 people I can tick off "the list" who were never even on it :-?

But as for the people at school, no way. not yet. :o
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:07 am

Good, you do know your true friends will not care at all about it. Your dad may have just been a bit upset, I know its nothing to be upset about it may just be a shock and its different for different generations.

One of my friends told her parents she was gay and her dad cried; I'm sure he wasn't embarrassed or whatever; it would have just been a shock, you know "his little girl and all that".
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Re: I really want to come out, but am I Bisexual or Lesbian?

Postby snail » Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:16 am

The Annonymous Potato wrote:But I must say my step brother's reaction was probably the funniest "Now we can look at porn together and talk about winking and girls".


Lol! What a brilliant remark! He must be a great guy.

The Annonymous Potato wrote:I don't think they understand that bi means 2. Whenever I tell a "straight joke" or say "he's fit" they say "I thought you were bi". Yet when i say something like "there was a really hot girl on the bus today" they're suprised. ](*,)


To be honest Potato, I don't really understand it either. I can understand someone being straight or gay, but I can't really understand how someone can like both men AND women. I mean, surely it's one type or the other? How can you like both? It's a mystery to me, and I'm now in my 30s so I've given up thinking I'll be able to understand it, I just accept it. So I'm not surprised your siblings or family struggle a bit with it too. Good luck.
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Postby morris mouse » Sat Dec 06, 2008 10:06 am

"Annonymous Potato" it's really good,that,you now know what your sexuality is (and,also,you've had the courage to share,too :))

I'm really pleased for you. Well done.:D
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