What do I do??

For any problems related to sexuality, coming out & gay relationships.
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

What do I do??

Postby johnay » Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:05 pm

Hi I'm married and I'm bi. My wife doesn't know and it's been hard dealing with it all these last 8 years since I tried it all out........ I've had 2 relationships with men that were intense but brief..Haven't done that since the last guy as I felt very heartbroken and don't want to feel like that again.My wife is a good companion but is very dependent on me and I couldn't really leave her like this. What should I do????
johnay
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
 
Posts: 82
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Re: What do I do??

Postby all_apologies » Sun Oct 12, 2008 9:41 am

Could you expand a little more to help us advise you better? Why are you talking about leaving her? Has someone else come into the picture? Or are you just worrying she'd freak out and want to end the relationship?

Should you choose to tell her, your sexuality will probably come as a shock to her but I very much doubt she would want to leave you providing that you're still in a solid relationship.
Last edited by all_apologies on Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
all_apologies
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 3539
Joined: Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:30 pm
Gender: Female

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:41 pm

I like to know why you think you can't leave your wife, in what way is she dependent?
Can you really see yourself staying with her for the rest of her life and not doing what you want to do? I assume from writing this post you don't wnat this forever.
It's wrong to see other guys behind her back and I hope you used appropriate contraception a it would be even worse to have to tell her you have given her an STD as well as you are bi sexual (which are higher among gays as they are generally more promiscuous)
She may well find someone who truly loves her if you leave her but while your with her and not being truthful she beleives she has a good realtionship when in reality she doesn't
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Postby johnay » Wed Oct 15, 2008 10:36 pm

Hi, thanks for replying. I suppose I wanted to hear thoughts on my life. I have 3 choices really
1. Stay as I am-staus quo.
2.Leave and start again completely
3. Admit it all and hope a compromise in our lives can be worked out.
I said she was dependent and I meant that she doesn't do anything on her own and has only been out once in the last 4 months on her own. Then that was for 2 hours with friends at lunch time at a pub about 100 metres away. I do the money, the food, the garden, the ironing, the driving, the dusting the basic decision making etc etc. She does the hoovering and hasn't done that now for 2 weeks at least.. I'm very particular about being clean and try hard to keep slim, clean, smelling good and trendily dressed. She is now obese and will go days without bathing.. Sorry I'm sounding bitchy but I want to be special in someone's life--be cuddled and appreciated and not having the lemonade taken out of me. Yeah I've been rather promiscuous after I came out to myself but I did stay the one and only for 25 years. virgins when we met etc.
johnay
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
 
Posts: 82
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Postby johnay » Wed Oct 15, 2008 10:44 pm

yeah Bel Bel it is very wrong to see guys behind her back--I admit that and I know how bad that is....But gay sex was illegal when I was a teenager and I never thought I would be attractive to anyone .. Eventually at 48 someone said I was sexy... Wow and it's hard when you've hard such low self esteem for so long..He was so good looking and a lot younger than me and such a contrast to the my partner who just wants me to do everything-
johnay
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
 
Posts: 82
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Postby all_apologies » Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:37 am

I think, after reading what you've written here, that your problem has little to do with your sexuality and a lot to do with your relationship with your wife. If you were married to a woman who was independent, contriubted as much to the marriage as you do... etc, would you still feel the need to go off with guys behind her back? You say you're bisexual, so I assume you put equal weighting on your attractions to both men and women?

Yes, it's wrong of you to cheat, and I think it's decision time. If you still love your wife and can see yourself potentially being happy with her, you need to give her some ultimatums. I.e. get her act together or you can't go on with her. By the same token, you need to stop seeing other people.

On the other hand, if that's not feasibly going to happen, you need to make a clean break from her and find someone new. It doesn't matter whether you're bi or not, if you're stuck in a dead-end relationship you'll be unhappy whether it's with a man or woman.
User avatar
all_apologies
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 3539
Joined: Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:30 pm
Gender: Female

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 16, 2008 12:29 pm

all_apologies is right and you can't stay becasue she has depended on you.
You can help her with the transition to being on her own but that is not a good reason to stay with someone
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Postby johnay » Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:33 pm

Thanks for your replies. We have 4 children too which I didn't mention and they come a lot into the situation. We are now a 2 generation family and thus few and close. The last 6 years have been very hard as we had to travel up north when my Dad was ill and then he died. In the middle we had to deal with mother in law who had Alzheimers. She had it for 6 years before she died and we had to go back and forth to the Midlands loads.. The work fell on me mostly as I am the driver and worker...
Yes I feel bi most of the time but there are periods when I feel straight bu
t other times when I feel very gay.... I don't think I can give up going out on the gay scene-- I'm not that active but revel in the socialising and the dancing etc etc. I have a lot of gay freinds now..Friday nights are awesome for me.
As for ultimatums well I have serious talks but it only makes a difference for about 2 days and then she's back to normal--engrossed in crosswords, books,telly and Su Dokus.. It's like living with a corpse..
johnay
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
 
Posts: 82
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Postby LN123987 » Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:05 am

You need to tell her, or these feeling will just continue to grow and you'll continue to cheat.
Try and make things work for the childrens sake, but if it doesn't it would be worse to stay together just for them, if you really love her, and she really loves you she could understand, but it's worse for this to all be kept secret and then one day it all comes pouring out, this would probably upset her even more, you knowing and having these feelings and just burying them then exploring them behind her back a few times a week, lying to your family is one of the worste things you could do, especially to your children, they trust you and by keeping this a secret your betraying that trust, yes its not the easiest thing to tell someone, but as your wife she has a right to know.
LN123987
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2007 12:19 am

Postby johnay » Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:31 pm

Hi all of you are right I suppose. I think the kids all know that I'm not the straightest guy on earth and accept me for what I am... we ahve brought them up to be very liberal and equal opportunites.I've tried very hard not to lie and am ashamed that I haven't been honest with my wife....... I have to leave this now...
johnay
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
 
Posts: 82
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:51 am

You don't have to tell your wife it's becasue your gay you can just come out about that later if it feels right
It's obvious you have tried to make her sort herself out unsuccesfully and I think it would be very sad not to be able to live your life how you want.
The kids will be better off with spearate parents than parents pretending and will also benefit from happy parents rather than being in a loveless environment. I think you will start to resent your wife eventually and that won't make home a happy place
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female


Return to Sexuality

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron