Very Confused!!!

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Very Confused!!!

Postby Rose2000 » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:27 am

I've been with my male partner for several years now , but cant stop thinking about being with antother woman.

we're planning on getting married soon and i feel Like i should just go out there and get a woman for a night and get it out my system- without sounding too harsh.

I love my partner dearly and cant wait to be his wife, however this feelings/ fantasy are taking ove my life.

I'm a attractive 25 year old and dont think i'd have a problem finding someone, but at the same time where, and could I actually go through with it????

please help. Im so lost and alone :cry:
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:29 am

Can't you explain this to your bf? He might be understanding about it, you could always try to involve him in it and have a 3-some? He might be turned on by the fact you'd like to try it with another woman.

If you do it behind his back, it is cheating and then will you be able to live with the guilt?
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Postby Rose2000 » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:35 am

He would'nt be too amused about it at all cause he's very much a mans man and I just know that he'd feel like he aint satisfying me, and the last thing i want to do is hurt him.

I know i'd feel guilty etc.....but at the same time, the feelings so over powering that I ....well I dont know actually!!!

i could'nt just meet a random anyway, cause I woud'nt know where to go and scared of someone finding out :cry:
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Postby all_apologies » Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:21 am

Rose, if you're having overwhelming thoughts like these then I think it'd be a good idea not to rush into marriage arrangements. I totally understand that you love your partner, but it's dangerous to commit when you're already thinking about straying. Regardless of whether you're gay/straight/bisexual, the fact is that there is a part of you that wants something else, so I think it'd be safer to hold off until you figure out what you really want.

I wouldn't advise sleeping with a girl to get it out of your system while you're still with your boyfriend. If you had a thing for a guy at work, you wouldn't consider sleeping with him just to get him out of your system, would you?

I'm not being judgemental here at all; I know all too well what you're going through. I've had several relationships with guys whilst not being able to take my thoughts off women. Though with you, it sounds like you're still attracted to men too. I think it comes down to accepting your possible bisexuality but knowing that it'll never be actualised (i.e. marrying your partner), or deciding whether it's got so much of a hold over you that you need to try it out.

If I was in your position, I'd be wary of committing when there was so much else on my mind. Yet at the same time if you love and are still attracted to your partner, do you need anything else?
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Postby Rose2000 » Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:44 am

yeh I can understand where your coming from.

It still leaves me with a empty feeling like theres something missing and I know i'll never have it???!!!! if that makes much sense.

I could NEVER put hold on our marriage etc, for the fact that I would hate to let people down. Im known as Miss Reliable and to put this on him and the family would crush them, even though its crushing me. I dont like to disappoint people, and know myself that I could and would never do it.

Maybe thats just the way life's suppose to turn out for me.

Thanks for your advice anyway x
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 16, 2008 12:22 pm

If you don't like to disappoint what an earth do you think it will do if your other half finds out you had a fling with a woman

all_apologies is right in what she says.

I think it's cruel to commit to someone when your not sure. So what if your letting people down. It will be worse if you marry him and then have to divorce. You will still be letting him and everyone down but later down the line.

There has to come a point in life when you have to be selfish sometimes and do what you neeed to do. If you just accept your lot and don't deal with the issue then you may find yourself becoming very miserable and depressed later on. It will be like a real burden.
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:40 pm

Talk to your bf, he may be ok with the idea, it might even turn him on.
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Postby all_apologies » Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:32 pm

Rose, I completely relate to the feeling of letting people down. I tried so hard to be straight, and even long after I accepted the fact that I’m gay, I continued to see men. Why? Because of fear of letting other people down. I knew it would upset my family, and felt like I would lose friends. The most recent relationship I had with a guy was a disaster, and I went out with him for purely selfish reasons. I was so scared of being a disappointment that if I thought I really pushed myself with a guy, I might change. I was wrong!

My boyfriend could sense something wasn’t right and was convinced I was cheating on him (which I wasn’t). He knew I didn’t feel a physical connection to him and figured I was into someone else. It’s a shame, because I played him along when he’s a genuinely nice guy who I actually love as a friend.

At the stage I’m at now, I’m still not openly gay to very many people at all. Yet I would never, ever commit so seriously to a man knowing what I know about myself. A short relationship is bad enough, but marriage is another thing altogether. What if, in five years time you’re desperately unhappy and then decide to call things off? Wouldn’t it be better to nip it in the bud if you’re not 100% sure that heterosexuality is for you?

If you’re feeling unfulfilled already, you need to take a step back and really consider whether agreeing to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to not want to disappoint those around you. Ultimately, though, it’s you who has to live your own life. Your unhapiness will long outlast their disapproval. I’ve chosen not to tell my friends and family I’m gay as yet. At the same time, I don’t ever want to put myself and some poor guy through a false relationship again, tempting as it may be to live a ‘normal’ lifestyle. Please don’t tie yourself down to something you’re not sure about. As bel bel says, if nothing else it’s cruel to your partner to only commit to him out of fear of being a disappointment.
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:39 pm

I agree with everything you say all-apologies
It is such a shame people feel it is ok to judge others for the way they want to live to the point you can't be who you want to be
It is getting better, to so many people it is now "normal" to be in a same sex relationship.
To be honest I would far rather my daughter be gay and happy than be unhappy all her life.
I hope you and rose2000 can find a way to be happy and open one day without feeling you have to give up family and friends to gain your own happiness
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:27 pm

I agree with what Bel-Bel said about people judging people, yet in the relationship Rose2000 is talking about, I think the biggest judge of these things is actually Rose2000.

I saw part of a documentary on TV the other week and it was a bisexual woman, and her bf had just proposed (she used to sleep with women as well and her bf knew and accepted this), her bf said he was more than happy to marry her knowing about her and that he doesn't mind if she sleeps with women so long as he knows about it. - Rose2000 you need to talk to your bf about it! As I've just said it does work!
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Re: Very Confused!!!

Postby little-bo-peep » Tue Dec 09, 2008 5:50 pm

Rose2000.....Just thought I'd let you know about a similar feeling I have had for a while now. I didn't do anything about it at first, but my advice to you would be to take a chance. Whether people think this is the wrong advice, I don't know, but I took a chance and I'm so glad I did and would never change it for the world. I know 100% that I did the right thing and would do it again, no regrets.
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