Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

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Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby Fragmented » Wed Dec 24, 2008 10:32 pm

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Last edited by Fragmented on Fri May 22, 2009 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby all_apologies » Thu Dec 25, 2008 3:11 am

By the sounds of it, no I don't think you did anything wrong. It's just a really unfortunate situation.

It sounds like regardless of who this girl gets into a relationship with, there'll be issues with physical contact. It's a shame that she pretty much got you into a false sense of security by allowing you to kiss and touch her and then turned it round on you afterwards. That's not your fault at all, but at the same time she has issues that aren't her fault either.

To me, it boils down to whether you think you can deal with the potential lack of physical contact if you do want a relationship with her. The best thing to do if you're still keen is to again explain that you maybe misread the situation and weren't pushing her at all, and that she should tell you if she's ever uncomfortable. Yet if she carries on being unreasonable about it (by continuing to accuse you when you genuinely have done nothing wrong) then maybe it's not worth the hassle. I really feel for people in her situation, but at the same time, if she's dragging you down because of her own issues then it's unfair on you.
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Postby morris mouse » Fri Dec 26, 2008 2:52 pm

"Fragmented" it's really disappointing that this friendship turned out as it did. It looked SO good at
the start,yet in the end became nothing :(

As "all_apologies" has said,I believe that this girl is dragging you down because of her own issues
(which is unfair on you.) This,perhaps,is why you've posted,here at pp?

It's up to you,but,I'm sure that there are plenty more girls,out there,waiting for your attention.:P
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Re: Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby snail » Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:13 pm

Well, firstly, it's certainly natural to feel insulted: you've virtually been accused of sexually assaulting her when you did no such thing, that's enough to offend anyone.

Secondly, as All Apologies says, it looks like any relationship with this woman would be hard work, as she has serious physical intimacy issues. If there were no other complications, you might get past those in the end, if you wanted to try.

But, thirdly, and most importantly, I don't like the way she is representing this as your fault. What clearly happened was that she felt uncomfortable with what she had allowed you to do, and in order to manage that discomfort she turned it around and made it all your fault. You hadn't "respected her wishes": in fact you did exactly what you had both agreed to beforehand. She suddenly was forced to confront her issues up close, the relationship suddenly became real and had a physical dimension: she got scared and uncomfortable, and ran away, by ending it. Then, to make it easier on herself, instead of admitting "I can't handle a relationship because of my issues so I'm ending it" (with the despair and self-loathing that might bring) she said "You broke my trust so I'm ending it, it was all your fault" (in other words, it's nothing to do with me, I'm OK).

I think you're on a hiding to nothing here. If she could acknowledge the full extent of her problems you'd have a chance, but it looks like she is still partly in denial. She needs help, and the best thing you could do for her is persuade her to get it.

Obviously, this sort of issue is much more common when you meet someone through the internet. People in this situation often have some sort of problem that prevents them from forming sexual relationships face to face, so they end up having virtual ones. I know this partly because I am the same myself, by the way!
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Re: Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby Fragmented » Fri Dec 26, 2008 6:33 pm

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Last edited by Fragmented on Fri May 22, 2009 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Dec 29, 2008 12:30 pm

I think you may have had a lucky escape as she sounds like she has serious deep rooted issues and you would have got well and truely dragged into them
You have done all you can so just walk away now and put it down to experience
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Re: Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby all_apologies » Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:02 pm

Fragmented wrote:
I think I might pass up on that though. I was tempted to persuade her to get help but I somehow think that she's so far up the self-righteous creek at the moment I'd only get that paddle smacked in my face too.


I think you're right. I also agree with Bel Bel, sounds like you've had a lucky escape. I really feel for this girl, she's obviously very troubled. Yet there is no excuse for taking those issues out on you, particularly at such an early stage in your potential relationship. Perhaps she'll realise somewhere down the line that trying to pass the buck onto other people isn't doing her any favours. As it is, if she's not willing to listen accept that you're not in the wrong, you're probably best just leaving it.
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Re: Dumped without ever going out (Long - sorry)

Postby retrochav » Mon Dec 29, 2008 10:47 pm

I am rather suspect about this girl and her motives. If she has been so traumatised then why put herself in a vulnerable position - being in a different part of the country, with no support or back up, merely on the strength of texts, emails and phone calls? Surely if things were that bad she would have insisted on seperate rooms from the outset to ensure she wasnt in "vulnerable" space.

Anyhow, that isnt really important, you are. She will have to deal with these issues in her own way, and whilst you could have suggested support or counselling sites, its unlikely she would take it on board until she is ready. My advice is to be appreciate the honest and open person you are, and build yourself up towards the dating scene again, because in time you will find the person who is worth at least working at a relationship with.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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