HELP! I slept with my best friend

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HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby mct » Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:25 pm

Last week I slept with my best friend (who is also a girl, and has a boyfriend) and now I don't know what to do!

I am fairly sure I am not gay, however lately when I have been drunk I have been kissing girls, and I can't remember this most of the time and I don't know why I have been doing it. Anyway, last week I was drinking all day with my best friend, and I remember her saying that she had never kissed a girl before, so I kissed her, which I can only vaguely remember.

Anyway, my friend was sleeping in my bed that night, and when I got into bed with her we started kissing again and eventually ended up having sex, and I remember she made the first move, even though she is straight and has a boyfriend. We both had quite a bit to drink but I had sobered up by then and I can remember it all, and to be honest it blew my mind. I can't stop thinking about it and I want to do it again! But only with her. As friends we have always been close, especially last year when we lived together, and whenever we used to have an argument it hit me hard, sometimes I felt as if I couldn't live without her.

This year however we don't live together anymore, we hardly see each other to be honest and we have got along just fine, but now this has happened all those feelings of needing her have come rushing back tenfold. I'm not in love with her am I? I don't understand why she made the first move when she has a boyfriend? I don't understand why I went along with it but I couldn't stop...I haven't slept with anyone for a long time...did I just want the attention from someone? I can't talk to her about it because she will just dismiss it...I'm so confused as to whether I'm gay/straight/bi or whether it's just her.

I have only ever had one long-term relationship with a man and I hurt him badly, since then i've only ever had one-night stands.

These are all issues I daren't talk about to any of my friends...can someone please give me some perspective?
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:20 am

mct wrote:I'm not in love with her am I?


mct wrote:did I just want the attention from someone?


There is only one person who can answer those questions and it isn't anyone on here.

I think maybe your friend did it for attention especially if she's not said anything or hinted anything since. She probably wanted to try it and went with someone she could trust.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby snail » Wed Mar 18, 2009 11:25 am

Dipsy's right, only you can work through this. The only thing I would say is, if you kiss girls frequently, and you slept with a girl, liked it a lot and want to do it again, then I don't think you're straight. I don't think missing the attention or liking this particular friend a lot would make a straight person do those things. But whether you're gay or bi, and whether you're in love with this girl or not, only you can say.

I don't know what made your friend behave like that: again, only she can answer that one.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby mct » Wed Mar 18, 2009 7:59 pm

Thanks for replying guys, I just wanted to let it all out really cos there's no one else I can really talk to it about. There are a few things I mentioned that obviously you lot won't know and I wasn't expecting you to, I just wanted to get it all out in the open.

The main issue is, I would do it again, but only with her...I could never imagine doing that with any other woman and I don't feel inclined to at all, this is what's confusing me. :(

But thanks anyway for your help :)
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby snail » Wed Mar 18, 2009 8:32 pm

mct wrote:I could never imagine doing that with any other woman and I don't feel inclined to at all, this is what's confusing me.


Yeah, I see what you mean, but I still think the same. I'm straight so in theory I should fancy all men, but if I'm mad about one man I can't imagine being with anyone else, and don't have eyes for anyone else. It's just the same.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby mct » Wed Mar 18, 2009 8:44 pm

Good point snail, I've never been in love with anyone before so i wouldn't know but you've made it a bit clearer now. Thanks :D
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby lovesforlife » Thu Apr 02, 2009 4:25 pm

I completly understand what is happening to you but Ive never slept with anyone because Im young. But The main point is...
You have to talk to her wether this is by text, msn, email, or just talking. YOU HAVE TO!! If you think you love her then just tell her? You can't keep it locked away!
Ive done it and it really destroys people. If I could put the cllock back I would and I would have told her, but frankly as dipsydoodlenoodle wrote you are the only one who can sort this out, your not helping yourself by keeping this hidden.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby loving arms » Thu Apr 02, 2009 6:54 pm

I think you shouldn't worry about which label you should have. We really do not need a label to define who we are. As for what happened with your friend, have you thought that she may not have said anything to you becuase she's frightened that your response will not be a positive one. Maybe you two are meant to be and your relationship maybe the best you have ever experienced.

Talk to her, worse ways at least you'll know what to do next. Good luck xxx
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby all_apologies » Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:23 pm

The first thing I'll say is that when I was a bit younger, I didn't think I was gay (I am) because my girl-crushes were initially limited to very select people. It was only once I stopped trying to analyse who I fancied so much that I started to realise that in fact, I was attracted to girls full stop. I allowed myself to relax so that I wasn't so apprehensive about being attracted to girls, and it all fell into place. As snail said, it's the same regardless of sexuality. If there's one person you like at a given time, they're the only person you want/can envision yourself being with. So if you like your friend that much, you're probably not caring about any other girls or guys right now.

As for why it happened and what it all means, I've had the same dilemma and have been boring the other mods for ages with it! What all of their advice boils down to, though, is that if someone is 100% straight, they're unlikely to repeatedly embark on sexual encounters with someone of the same sex. So, your frequent kissing of girls is probably a marker of the fact you're bisexual at least. How do you feel when you're kissing these girls? Is it the same as when you're kissing a guy? I know that when I'm kissing a guy, it does absolutely nothing for me at all, and I'd assume that a straight girl kissing other girls would feel the same.

You say that sleeping with your friend totally flipped your switch; I'm assuming that this is only possible if she enjoyed it too? Particularly considering she was the one to make the first move, I think you need to talk to her about it. Recently a friend whom I thought was straight completely shocked me by making a move on me, and it's since happened a few times. I plucked up the courage to actually ask her about it (though we were interrupted before it went anywhere, am going to try again this weekend!), and it's not that hard to do. Particularly if you've had a few drinks together for Dutch courage!

As much as I encourage you to talk about it and talk about what it meant to you both, respect that she's in a relationship for the timebeing if you're hoping for more from her. Don't scare yourself into trying to find a label. Instead, let yourself fancy who you fancy without putting too much thought into it.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby kor » Thu Apr 23, 2009 6:29 am

Ever heard of a romantic friendship? You should look it up before you allow anyone to convince you that you're gay.

Thing is, intimacy has been sexualized over the past century, so much so that it is no longer common for us to kiss our friends on the lips or hold them close. But that is still our natural inclination, because it's nothing sexual.

I think that because its your natural inclination to express your love for your best friend, you confused your feelings for her for sexual ones. I used to do this when I was younger but when I think about it now, could I ever imagine myself in a romantic relationship with my best friend? No. Not even close.

Sort out your feelings for her and you will come to realize that you are not interested in being romantically, or even sexually, involved with her. I said its natural that you'd want to express your love for her, but its also important for us not to cross that line. I don't see my friend sexually anymore, like I used to, because now I understand my feelings for her. I didn't dwell on it, it was just a sort of realization over time. Then, I found out about romantic friendships and realized that what we had was that.

I would advise against sleeping with her while she is in a committed relationship. Actually, I would advise against sleeping with her at all.

God bless.

Edited by Jo on 24/04/09. Email address & invitation for personal contact removed.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby snail » Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:28 am

I understand what Kor means - this is an area where feelings can get very confused - but I don't agree with the main thrust of her post. I think this sort of reasoning is usually just a way to convince oneself that one isn't gay, because of pre-existing prejudice against homosexuality.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby retrochav » Tue May 26, 2009 2:01 pm

Your experiances dont have to label you. I identify as a gay man because on average i prefer dating guys, but i have slept with women and enjoyed it, but i'm not essentially inclined to go out looking for a female.

The same should apply for you. You have strong feelings for this girl, and at present those feelings outweigh looking at other men or women. However, you must ask yourself if she would be a good partner. She was unfaithful to her boyfriend - thats cheating. Would you want to risk her doing that to you - with a guy or a girl?

Enjoy the feelings by all means, but unless you can be sure that she would make a good partner, leave it there. Sleep with her only if you feel that you want to meet sexual needs - its not going to be a passport to a relationship, if it was you'd be together by now.

Time will help you decide where your sexuality lies, and it neednt be fixed just because society pidgeon holes us as gay or straight.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: HELP! I slept with my best friend

Postby mct » Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:21 pm

Hi guys

It's been a few months since it happened and I want to thank you all for your comments and advice. What happened has never been mentioned since between my friend and I; we didn't see each other for a few weeks and rarely spoke after that night, and now I just see it as one of those drunken things that wasn't meant to happen. I still think about it now and then, but I don't possess the strong feelings for her that I did then. We are back the way we used to be now and there is no awkwardness - I think the feelings I had for her after that night were just an instant reaction to the attention I had from her that I had been starved of for a while. Those feelings are gone now and I don't feel the need to talk to her about it because it will never happen again.

As for myself, I'm convinced I am straight, I think I just went through a period of curiosity that finished soon after the fling with my friend. I think the same applies to her - she was just curious. She's happy with her boyfriend while I'm still on the lookout for mr right :D

It shouldn't have happened but it did and that's life - thanks to everyone again!
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