Help!!

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Help!!

Postby whitevanman » Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:21 pm

I really need some advice guys!!

I am a 26 year old guy, curently in a relationship with a girl who I thought I loved very much. I met a guy through a friend and we hit it off straight away. We got talking one night and he told me he was bi sexual (his family and friends dont know this). I'd always had feelings for guy's and have had 2 'experiences' in the past, but because of my family's opinion on couples of the same sex, I'd always ignored what I felt and tried to lead a life every one expected me to.
Anyway after a few more times of seein this guy, I realised I wanted more than friendship and we've been seein each other every chance we get. It's now got to the stage where I want to be with him and would finish things with my girlfriend and tell my family. Trouble is, he is in a relationship too and i don't think he'd leave his girl. I can't finish it with him because i love him more than ive eva loved any one but feel like he does'nt want to be with me even wen he says he does. I do'nt know what to do its tearing me apart.
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Re: Help!!

Postby crumpetsandtea » Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:48 pm

Your hands are tied in this situation. The other guy is in a relationship and if there is no chance he would leave his girlfriend there is nothing you can do other than accept it and move on, because it would only get more complicated and painful. Do you really want a guy who is not only stringing you along, but also his girlfriend?
You also need to be fair to your own girlfriend and be honest with her. You can't just ditch her when the other guy decides he wants you, but keep her hanging on until then just in case because its not fair.

You didn't say how long you have been seeing this other man, but you said you loved your girlfriend very much before. Could it be a case of forbidden fruit? You've never been able to express that side of yourself because of your family but now someone has come along who has given you access to that side of your sexuality.

Either way, I know this sounds really harsh, but unfortunately if this other guy won't leave his girlfriend, there is not a lot you can do other than move on.
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Re: Help!!

Postby whitevanman » Tue Apr 21, 2009 7:24 pm

I've bin seein him for about 4 months now. I know its not fair on my girl because I can't even go near her sometimes. I don't know what to do anymore because he tells me he loves me and can't live with out me but I want to be with him all the time. I know its not a case of forbiden fruit. I can't stand the thought of not havin him in my life but do'nt now wether I can carry on with how things are.
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Re: Help!!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:17 am

and how long have you been with your girlfriend?
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Re: Help!!

Postby whitevanman » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:21 am

Been with my girlfriend for just over 5 years now
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Re: Help!!

Postby earthchild » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:27 am

i really think you should end things with your girlfriend as soon as possible, its quite clear from you saying that you dont even want to be near her that theres no chance of a healthy relationship with her, i know it sounds cruel but it is the best thing for her in the long run.
With regards to this guy your seeing im afraid no one can say whether he will leave his gf or not, only time will tell but if he really means what he says he would do anything to be with you.
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Re: Help!!

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:30 am

Well if you are serious about him you need to give him an ultimatum, don't wait for him eventually decide what he's going to do. Its really not fair for anyone involved, he need to decide whether he wants to leave his girlfriend and be with you or if he is going to stop stringing you along and leave you alone. Likewise, you need to think of your girlfriend, because she must know something is up if you can't go near her, and its better that you tell her than keep her in the dark until she finds out elsewhere.

He's telling you he loves you and doesn't want to be without you, but you've already said you think he won't leave his girlfriend for you. Without actions, these words mean nothing, give him an ultimatum, and unless he's going to leave his girlfriend instead of keeping you as his bit on the side then you are best off without him.
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Re: Help!!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:31 am

If the guy isn't prepared to leave his girlfriend for you then he isn't going to. He's going to keep you stringing along so he can have his cake and eat it.

I also think it's unfair on your girlfriend in this situation. My opinion is you should take some time out from your girlfriend and the guy to get away from everything and everyone and sort out what you want.

It is unfair to keep your girlfriend in tow until this guy decides to leave his girlfriend. Do you not like the guy because it's new and exciting? As in the grass is greener syndrome.

I've actually just noticed you said you "didn't think he'd leave his girlfriend"- have you actually talked it through with him? I do think you should as crumpetsandtea suggested forget the guy and move on. You don't want to be his affair for 10 years and get involved with him to find out he's getting married to someone else.
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Re: Help!!

Postby whitevanman » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:49 am

I've tried talking to him, but never can find the right words to be direct. He says he'll do anythin to be with me but then says he could'nt leave his girl. I ca'nt handel not beeing with him even if it meens sharing him but I hate it like it is when I now I'd give everythin up to be with him all the time.
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Re: Help!!

Postby earthchild » Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:05 am

well then he's contradicting himself right there in that sentence, what you are both doing to your gf's is so wrong. i know you cant help who you fall in love with but please stop stringing them along.
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Re: Help!!

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:09 am

The fact that he won't leave his girlfriend should tell you everything. If he was as bothered about you, as you are about him then he'd leave her to be with you. You're willing to give up everything to be with him, and the fact of the matter is he won't do the same for you, the guy is stringing you along!

You shouldn't have to 'share' him. The guy is having his cake and eating it, its not fair on his girlfriend and its not fair on you, or your own girlfriend for that matter.

You also need to start thinking of the people who are inadvertently involved in this. His girlfriend, and your girlfriend, both of you are going behind their backs and its not right. Dipsy is right, you need to take some time out from both of them and sort your head out. If you don't want to be with your girlfriend anymore you need to tell her.
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Re: Help!!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:52 am

crumpetsandtea wrote:The fact that he won't leave his girlfriend should tell you everything. If he was as bothered about you, as you are about him then he'd leave her to be with you. You're willing to give up everything to be with him, and the fact of the matter is he won't do the same for you, the guy is stringing you along!


I agree!
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Re: Help!!

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Apr 22, 2009 3:34 pm

Maybe he would leave his girlfriend but says this things to see where you stand
You admitted yourself you are not neing direct and maybe he is doing the same
First you must finish with your girlfriend whether or not your going to end up with this guy
Then you need to tell him you won't be his bit on the side and leave him alone to decide
If he really loves you he won't be able to be without and will leave his girlfriend but if you are there for him he will have his cake and eat it
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