how do i cope ?

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how do i cope ?

Postby lottyloo1970 » Tue Jul 07, 2009 4:37 pm

Hi all, I wonder if you can help me as I don't know what to do and I think I just need to speak to people who may understand where I am coming from. From a young age , probably about 6 or so, I have noticed that I am attracted to girls. As I got older this became more intense particulaly after meeting my best friend at the time( who is a lesbian now). I really liked her and this developed into love but I never told her as I was ashamed of my feelings. As a child my brother sexually abused me and I think this has had a real impact on me and my feelings regarding this. Also my mum and her husband used to sell drugs from the house and were always stoned so didnt really notice what was going on.I have struggled with the abuse although I cope well with it as I have a young family and husband who I love dearly. I ended up homeless and living in a hostel and SHAPE houses in essex until I had my own flat. I was determined not to be beaten by my past and got a job. During this time I met a women and had a relationship with her. I still felt real shame and my other friend had come back onto the scene but I just couldn't tell her how i felt even though she had come out by this time. In the end I ended my relationship with this women and met , eventually married my husband. He is the nicest person you could meet and good looking too . I am very lucky to have him. We have two children and I love family life with them but deep down I know I am attracted to women. I told my best friend a few years ago how I felt and she indicated that she liked me but then backed away from me , even pretending to split with her then GF to see if i would make a move on her, of course i didn't but that hurt me, even to this day it still does. I nearly left my husband then over it all but didnt realise he loved me as much as he did and we gave it another go and we are still together gladly. But this leaves me where I am now. I love him and my family but know that I am more attracted to women, maybe this has some bearing on my past but its who I am and I have learned to accept who I am now. The question is what do I do about it. I have some friends I have met online who I talk to , one who i will never meet as she lives abroad and one who is local to me. Should I explore this side of me or leave it. I feel sad when I think I may never experience this again but then there is the guilt if I do anything behind my husbands back. Is there anyone here who has experienced similiar things to me , i would love to talk to you as i feel so alone with this.
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby Fragmented » Tue Jul 07, 2009 6:13 pm

Hi,

I'm sorry about the trauma you must have suffered as a child, it must have been hard to say the least. I know nothing about the psychological impact it may have had (so excuse my ignorance) - have you had any kind of counselling to help you deal with the emotions it left you with?

In terms of having feelings for women that you want to explore. The way I see it is that if you're married, then you're married. And doing something behind your husband's back with a woman is the same as doing it with a man - i.e. cheating. You say you're happy with your husband and family, why would you want to jeapordise that and ruin it? I understand you have all these mixed up feelings and a side that you've never been allowed to explore. But if you're sincerely happy with your husband, you need to somehow put these feelings to the back of your mind. There's no quick and easy way of doing that, except to look at your family and realise that if tomorrow you were to do something that would hurt your husband, what you currently have you will lose.

I don't think it's worth losing all that.
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby snail » Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:20 pm

I would agree, infidelity is infidelity, no matter who you do it with, so any exploration of your sexual feelings for women could only take place if your marriage were ended. Is that what you want, to be free? Or not? It would only be your relationship with your husband you would be giving up - family life would continue, because you would still be a mother and him a father, even if you no longer lived together. Could you cope with never exploring this side of you, or would you resent the loss of it as the years went by? Do you really love your husband, in a sexual way? If not, is it fair to stay with him? Only you know how you feel.
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:47 am

I agree with the others by and large.

Would just like to add that to some extent you have already explored this side of you by having a relationship with another woman in the past, so I don't really think you can use that as a reason/excuse/justification to go behind your husbands back. As the others have said, it would be just as bad to cheat on your husband with another woman as it would be with a man. We all find other people attractive when we're in relationships/marriages, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. If you weren't happy with your husband and had said you didn't love him, I think I'd have reacted differently, but you're not, so I think you should just be happy with what you've got.
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jul 08, 2009 11:14 am

I too agree with the others
You must not stay with your husband out of guilt or becasue of the kids
As you say he is good looking and you are lucky to have him so if you really don't want him then let him go and find someone who really wants to be wiht him
Your kids will be better off if you are happy whether you are with your husband or not. Kids pick up on environments where things are right even if you think you are hiding it all from them
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby lottyloo1970 » Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:29 pm

Thank you for your honest answers. I really do appreciate that and everything you are all saying is right and when I am thinking logically thats what I think. My husband and I did nearly split up a few years ago and at the time I was having some counselling for my problems. I had also confronted my brother about our past which I thought would help me but it was much harder to cope with all these things than I had thought. All at once I was crashing, I couldnt handle the abuse , my sexuality and my shame with everything. To be honest I thought about suicide but I wouldn't have done that because of my two children. In the end I was exhausted, and I can't go through that again. It nearly killed me and my husband and we have both worked hard to get things back to normal and in many ways better as we do talk more although the sexuality subject has been swept under the carpet. I have tried to put it to the back of my mind but it has this funny way of getting my attention again so I thought maybe I need to just accept its there and carry on with life. I always wonder if I am like this as a result of my childhood experiences and feel this was put on me through no fault of my own and that sometimes I cant control my emotions when it comes to it. I have read several books on the subject of abuse and they say that its common for abused people to become gay in adult life due to their abuse. Regarding me and my husband sexually, when we decided to give things another go, I just explained to him that he cant push me into feeling I should have sex and there are certain things we can't do as they remind me of the abuse, he accepted this which made life easier so when we do have any sexual encounters I feel quite safe and I like the closeness it brings for us both. You know I just don't think there is an answer to this at all, I wont leave him and at the moment I have my friend I talk to online. We have been friends for years now and there is no chance of us meeting but its like talking to her in some way helps me and satisfies that side of me. I also have some very good friends who all know about me and my past. Dont know what I would do without them, and they are invaluable to me. Do you think its ok to talk to my friend online or do you think that is wrong ?
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jul 09, 2009 1:31 pm

If you only intend it as a friendship then I see no harm.
If it is become something sexual albeit on line then it is not ok
You seem to have already accepted and made up your mind you will be staying with your husband
Your original posted talked of exploring the lesbian side of you but I can only say it would be wrong to have an affair whether it be man or woman
Do you think some more conselling would be benficial to explore this without having to feel you are doing anything wrong?
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby Fragmented » Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:46 pm

I agree with Bel Bel, if the talk is intimate or sexual in any context then I don't think it's right. But if she's someone who helps you understand your feelings and helps your thoughts to become that little less clouded, I don't see the harm.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about being curious, we all get curious about things we haven't experienced. But as someone said before, as long as you're not get frustrated and resentful, it's okay to sometimes think 'what if'.
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Re: how do i cope ?

Postby lottyloo1970 » Mon Jul 13, 2009 4:18 pm

I just wanted to thank all of you who have answered my problem and i really appreciate your opinions and comments . Thank you all so much xxxxx
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