confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

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confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby A.Menina.De.Flor » Tue Jul 21, 2009 11:08 pm

hey everyone. i'd be really grateful of any advice you could give me.

i'm nineteen, and over the last year i've been doing lots of different work experience placements. this is all finished now, but i've developed a slightly unhealthy obsession with one of the women i shadowed for a while. i seem to spend rather a large amount of my time thinking about her.

this has left me feeling really confused about my sexuality. on first meeting her i admired her greatly as she had the career i aspire to, and came across as being really good at her job. as time went by i suppose i became more fond of her (although i was also a little nervous of her too). there was a time when she went away for a while and i remember missing her, and when she was around i probably looked forward my times spent at work experience a little too much - partly because it was interesting but partly because it meant i would get to see her. i didn't really think about this too much until i stopped doing work experience, which is when i think i started to become a little obsessed. it's making me miserable and i don't know how to stop myself thinking about her all the time.

part of the problem is that i can't decide what i context i see her in. sometimes i do have sexual thoughts about her; what it would be like to kiss her, sleep with her etc, but other times i wish so much that she was part of my family - like a big sister or a mother, or even a close friend; a figure to turn to for support and advice. i have a lot of admiration for her - as well as having the career i'm hoping to achieve one day, she has a great figure, speaks several foreign languages and is foreign herself (i can't explain why but i like the idea of being foreign). this has all left me feeling totally confused about how i feel about her. i don't know how to sort it all out in my head.

there's also the issue of my parents, which isn't too much of an issue, but all the same leaves me feeling very alone nonetheless. i just feel that my immediate family are not very close, and that whilst we all live under the same roof we may as well not do for all the meaningful time we spend together. my dad had an affair a few years ago, and this obviously put a lot of strain on all of us. he presently goes to counselling, and my parents now often go out for meals together etc, but we rarely do anything together as a whole family. the affair was never talked about with my sister and i, and i still find that i have feelings of resentment and distrust towards my dad that rise up whenever there's another problem.

my mum's parents are frail and not in the best of health, and she is involved with organising most aspects of their care. this understandably causes stress and upset for her. this was heightened after my dad had an affair, and there was a very rough patch around this time. i try to be supportive of my mum, and my grandparents, and my dad (who has chronic health problems), and however selfish this may be, i sometimes feel like there is no one to support me. my parents frequently take on an aggressive manner when talking to me, and say things like "you can always go and live somewhere else if you don't like it", both of which i find quite upsetting. i've tried to talk calmly to them about how i feel but they're never willing to make the time to talk, and just become aggressive. i find myself feeling resentful towards them, because whilst i try to provide unconditional emotional support to them, if i'm upset they just walk away, particularly my mother. i don't want to feel like this. maybe i'm being childish, but i don't feel capable of knowing the right thing to do at every turn without some sort of support, which is what they somehow seem to expect.

i feel like i don't have a strong role model in either of my parents - i do love them, but i don't want to turn out like either of them on many different levels. i sometimes wonder if this is why i have developed such a weird obsession with this woman, because she does provide such a positive role model...? at the same time i don't know how to tell if my feelings for her are a bisexual crush or not. either way, i do not think it is healthy for me to be obsessed with her, and whilst i am currently single, my feelings for her are getting in the way of starting new relationships. i would really appreciate any advice anyone could give on either or both of these issues.
Last edited by A.Menina.De.Flor on Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:32 am

A.Menina.De.Flor wrote: sometimes wonder if this is why i have developed such a weird obsession with this woman, because she does provide such a positive role model...? at the same time i don't know how to tell if my feelings for her are a bisexual crush or not.


Well you didn't say how old you are?

I think you admire this woman so much because she's so nice and positive and friendly and supportive towards you. You said she's someone you'd love to have in your family that you could go to for advice etc. I do think it's maybe developed into a little crush because she was so nice to you. Crushes are different at different ages (hence I asked your age), chances are you are quite young as to be doing work experience as well (but please correct me if you aren't). Sometimes when you are younger people haven't experienced all the feelings possible so what you think might be a crush might just be strong admiration for the woman.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby A.Menina.De.Flor » Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:42 am

thanks for replying!
i'm nineteen. i did say at the beginning but i also said a whole load of other stuff so i guess it got lost in the massive brain-dump. 8-[
i think she thinks i'm a bit of an idiot.
do you have any ideas on how i can sort out all these weird feelings? :oops:
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:31 pm

A.Menina.De.Flor wrote:nineteen. i did say at the beginning but i also said a whole load of other stuff so i guess it got lost in the massive brain-dump


You know I even went back to read the beginning before asking it, even when you just said I did say I looked...it's because you wrote nineteen, rather than 19 and I was looking for numbers...my bad :oops: .

If you aren't going to see the woman again I figure these feelings will just fade away. It's not like you will be constantly reminded of her if you don't see her.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby Fragmented » Wed Jul 22, 2009 1:01 pm

I agree with a lot of what dipsy has said.

Most of what you feel is probably because she's such a strong role model for you and you admire her. Feelings are obviously quite complex and it isn't always easy to untangle them and categorise them as black or white, so don't worry too much if you're feeling a little confused. Likewise, I wouldn't be quick to label yourself as bisexual. It's fine if that's what you are but you don't need to box yourself. Like dipsy said the feelings will probably fade over time when you don't see her. In the meantime just busy yourself. Get out and about with your friends, try and do things over the summer and meet new people. In time your head will probably clear.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby all_apologies » Wed Jul 22, 2009 1:07 pm

The best advice I can try and give you is to try not to over-analyse and give yourself a label at this point. It can take years (and some people never get to the point where they even feel they can truly give themself a gay/straight/bi label!)

Anyway, the way you describe your feelings for this woman is so reminiscent of the first crushes I started to have on women when I was younger. It started with teachers and certain TV celebrities from late primary school onwards, and it wasn't always in a sexual light either. Like you, it was almost as though I wanted them to take care of me. By late secondary school I'd had a few crushes on female teachers which I was never quite sure if were sexual or not, but I actually think that was mainly because I hadn't entertained the idea of being bisexual or gay, so wasn't really letting my mind wonder that far. At 15 I started developing similar feelings for a classmate, and at 16 for a colleague of my own age at my part-time job. I think, because they were both the same age as me, I started to realise that it wasn't being looked after/guidance that I was after, but that those things do come along with being in a relationship along with being sexual.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your crush right now does seem like my early crushes, and that I've since accepted the fact that I'm gay. I spent so long when I was younger wondering why I was so 'obsessed' with people, not realising that I wasn't obsessed, I just fancied them! I think most people are brought up assumed to be straight, so it's not always the easiest thing to recognise and realise when you get a bit older.

This site had a bit of downtime a few years ago, so my earliest posts on here are no more, but if you could read back you'd see what a lengthy transition it can be! I joined the site at 17 with a post not dissimilar to yours, asking if anyone thought I might be bisexual. Five years later I couldn't be more sure of who I am. I think you have to not be scared of potentially being bi or gay before you'll truly know. Maybe it is that you've had a rocky relationship with your parents and that you're seeking comfort elsewhere. It doesn't matter. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel for this woman and see how it pans out. If you start to develop other crushes for women along the way, things might become clearer.

How do you feel about men at this point? I have always been able to appreciate attractive men, but I mistook this for fancying them when I was younger. I've since realised that I have no interest in men sexually, but the only way I was able to do this was to let myself accept the possibility of being gay. It can be really daunting, but is ultimately very liberating if you are gay.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:06 pm

all_apologies wrote:The best advice I can try and give you is to try not to over-analyse and give yourself a label at this point. It can take years (and some people never get to the point where they even feel they can truly give themself a gay/straight/bi label!)


In addition to this...you don't need to give yourself a label, the label is for other people and not you, so long as you are happy with whoever you chose then so be it.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jul 22, 2009 3:59 pm

Ok I won't address teh bi secual thing as the others ahve covered it really well especially all_aplogies who has been there and done that and I am sure I saw her wearinga t shirt about it once too

As for you mum and dad I think what maybe going on is becuase they have such stress going on they don't take you problems seriously and think your just being a teenager. To some extent they may be right in that there probelsm are big and yours may nopt be so big on that kind of scale but it doens't make you wrong to wnat and need someone to turn to to talk about things that upset and bother you. As teenagers we do over anyalse and think problems are bigger than they are and that makes them feel very real so I am not suggesting you ar being a little whinger or anything. Often parents forget how it felt to be a teenager and because they know they have come out the other side they lose that empathy for how you feel.

I think the thing to do about the "going out as a family" is ask them for your next birthday to all go out together, It could be bowling or a meal etc Tell them this is really what you would like as your birthday present. Once you have gone out tell them how much you loved spending time with them and how much you'd really like to do things together more. Hopefully they will enjoy the night too and see the benefits of being together more

Can you offer to help your mum with your grandparents care at all? A little help can make all the difference when you do have this kind of responsibilty day in and day out
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby A.Menina.De.Flor » Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:24 am

Thank you for your replies - it's really good to be able to talk about this stuff.

It was really good to hear about your experiences all_apologies. Your story sounds so similar to me, I suppose save for the fact that this is the first time I've ever tried to address my feelings & is fairly late. I had other crushes on women when i was younger - i think a teacher & a few people in the media spotlight, although never really anyone my own age, or anyone i actually spent any time with.

With regards to men, at this precise moment in time I feel a little confused about this too.
all_apologies wrote: have always been able to appreciate attractive men, but I mistook this for fancying them when I was younger. I've since realised that I have no interest in men sexually, but the only way I was able to do this was to let myself accept the possibility of being gay.

How did you realise this? Did it just come with time?
Over the last few years the people I've been attracted to have all been male, despite none of these feelings actually leading to a relationship. Before the woman in question, I was fairly besotted with one of my male classmates, but I suppose I eventually gave up on that ever working out. Actually the other thing in the last few years was a crush on a female musician - maybe it was this that caused me to think about my sexuality. She is bisexual herself & is surrounded by this air of complete open-ness about sexuality, where everyone actually talks. I am digressing terribly.

At the moment there is this guy who is interested, & he is completely lovely & we share so many interests, but, I don't know. I don't feel butterflies when I see him and I keep thinking about this woman instead. ](*,)
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby A.Menina.De.Flor » Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:43 am

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:If you aren't going to see the woman again I figure these feelings will just fade away. It's not like you will be constantly reminded of her if you don't see her.

Eurgh, sorry to be awkward, but I am constantly reminded of her. I inadvertently picked up on some of her mannerisms & phrases & I can't seem to shake them. 'Cause her career is what i want to go into there's constant reminders there, & music - the songs she used to have blaring out, the music we had debates over & then the music i love & never got the chance to share with her & most probably listen to just how much she hates it. Maybe i just want to be reminded of her?

On the family front, I managed to persuade them to go out for the day a couple of days ago, & it was a bit of a disaster in my eyes. Everyone seemed to spend the day jumping down each others throats.

I do help out as much as my Mum will let me with my Grandparents, as well as trying to be there emotionally. I go up there both with her & by myself to help out with the chores etc.

Bel Bel wrote:As for you mum and dad I think what maybe going on is becuase they have such stress going on they don't take you problems seriously and think your just being a teenager. To some extent they may be right in that there probelsm are big and yours may nopt be so big on that kind of scale but it doens't make you wrong to wnat and need someone to turn to to talk about things that upset and bother you. As teenagers we do over anyalse and think problems are bigger than they are and that makes them feel very real.

I do think you're right. Most of the time I'm okay, but then sometimes everything just feels like too much all at once & I wish I had someone to speak to. I was having a bit of a wobble on the family front when I wrote my original post I must say.
Last edited by A.Menina.De.Flor on Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jul 27, 2009 12:07 pm

Well we are always here but if you find you need more then go and get some conselling
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Re: confusion, bisexuality, family, obsession & more confusion.

Postby all_apologies » Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:01 pm

A.Menina.De.Flor wrote:With regards to men, at this precise moment in time I feel a little confused about this too.
all_apologies wrote: have always been able to appreciate attractive men, but I mistook this for fancying them when I was younger. I've since realised that I have no interest in men sexually, but the only way I was able to do this was to let myself accept the possibility of being gay.

How did you realise this? Did it just come with time?


I remember when I first joined this site I posted saying that I felt as though I wanted a relationship/intimacy with a woman but when it came down to it, sex with a man. I think the realisation that this wasn't actually the case did just come with time. I can't emphasise enough how much I think that allowing yourself to think otherwise is the key to figuring out what you really want. At least, that's how it worked for me.

I seriously do not want any kind of intimacy with men, and even now if I kiss a guy when drunk (for whatever reason... my life is messy right now!) it's a total turn-off. Yet at the time when I was a bit younger, it was all I'd ever known and I'd never really thought much about lesbianism because it wasn't around me. I didn't know any lesbians, didn't see it much, so it was more of a slow burner for me. I genuinely thought I did fancy guys at one point, but now I realise I didn't. It's just what I'd always been brought up to think I felt, so I didn't question it.

You may well be 100% straight, of course, these are just my own experiences!
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