Confused about my preference, what do you think?

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Confused about my preference, what do you think?

Postby Soraya » Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:03 pm

Sorry it's long, can you at least read the first three paragraghs if you don't want to read it all please?

When I was a kid/younger teenager I've never had a crush/infatuation with anybody at all, and if I was ever asked what guy I was attracted to (even celebrity wise) I just felt really uncomfortable answering. I couldn't even say a guy was good looking because it felt too weird. Sometimes I couldn't even understand why people were even attracted to people. I assumed I was asexual but I know I'm not because they don't have a sex drive.

Anyway, I've been thinking I could fall in love with someone of either sex at some point. I think I'm attracted to the idea of a relationship with someone but it's only certain aspects of people's personalities I'm attracted to (even with friends) so I think I could be with someone of any gender but I can only think theoretically because I've never been with someone before or even liked someone.

I'm not attracted to people based on looks, and the closest I get to attraction is based on personality, and I associate people's physical appearance with personality and I automatically see it as a representation, which differs from a lot of people. For example, if a man walks in and looks, dresses and acts in a way that makes him look important, I automatically percieve his outer appearance as him being a success driven person (which is part of his personaility), which appeals to me so I'll like him based on first impressions. Or if, for another example, a man walks in and has a muscular build, I associate that with him being a determined person who worked hard to look that way. The personality trait would appeal to me, not the fact that he had a nice build (like most people would probably see), I mightn't even like it much, it would just be the ersonality trait. I think it's a bit dfferent with girls but I won't explain because this is getting long enough.

I don't think I've ever actually been attracted to or loved anyone before at all, even now, and been aware of it (I'm not sure if that could be related). But I think that I MIGHT have gone through a phase of being infatuated with a friend about 2 years ago (we're not really friends anymore). I don't find myself attached to the friends I have now (like if I was told I'd never see them again I wouldn't really miss them or care, and viceversa) but I was good friends with her (it was a girl by the way). She was the best friend I ever had, like one of those friends you could tell anything to, and just different from my other friends and I'm never going to find another friend like her where I am now. (I think I do get attached when I start to like people, but it's usually just based on personality and I've never been that way with a guy. I think I could though.) I didn't really see it as having a crush on her at the time but looking back I think I did but wasn't aware of it. I still think about her now sometimes but I think it's because she was the best friend ever and I lost her because of something stupid.

So my question is, what do you think about this? I was wondering if I was pansexual so does anyone have any confirmation or thinks other wise? I'm a 16 year old girl by the way.
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Re: Confused about my preference, what do you think?

Postby Fragmented » Sun Mar 14, 2010 6:35 pm

Hey.

Although it probably won't seem like it to you at the moment (maybe compared to other girls you could be surrounded by) but it's pretty normal for you to feel how you do. I'll try not to make this so much of an 'age' thing but you're 16 and before now it may not have been as big a deal to be attracted to someone or engaging in any kind of romantic or intimate relationship, so you're naturally going to explore your thoughts and feelings as you grow.

The important thing here is to not focus so much on labels like asexual, pansexual, gay, straight. After all just as one size doesn't fit all, one label doesn't describe everyone that may resemble it slightly either. Everyone grows and matures and develops in different ways. Some girls your age may know exactly who they're attracted to, who they want to be with and what they want out of a relationship. Some might like someone but not want a relationship. Others may find that being physically intimate comes to them like second nature and some might find it difficult. There's no right or wrong way to be. Of course all of them will at some point change what they think and develop other tastes and different feelings.

For example, although I always knew I was attracted to girls, I didn't quite know what I wanted to do about it - if anything at all. And then I discovered I did want to be with a girl, which created more complexities and deliberations. And my mind has changed at several points as I've grown and faced different experiences.

I think you should just enjoy being yourself, whatever that might be at the moment, because nothing is ever really set in stone. It could be that you might crush on a guy next month, or fall for a girl six months down the line - either way it's okay. Just have fun, meet plenty of people and experience whatever life brings your way. As cliched as it sounds, life's all about self-discovery, that's the best bit.
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Re: Confused about my preference, what do you think?

Postby Soraya » Thu Mar 18, 2010 7:07 pm

Hi, thanks for answering ( =

I've felt this way my whole life though, it isn't just recently. And it's not that I don't want to be intimate/in a relationship with anyone, I do want a relationship with someone - I just can't be attracted to people. Everyone was pressured into getting boyfriends since I was about 12 and I started wanting to be with someone when I was about 14, so I was a bit late in comparrison to everyone else, but I probably want to be with someone the most at the moment but I just can't like people/specific genders. I'm wondering if it's possible for me to have made myself this way too, when I was a kid (3-11) everyone in my school were disgusted by relationships and you weren't allowed to like anyone without being made fun of. Everyone else most likely grew out of that by now but maybe I just didn't and that's the reason behind it ...?
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Re: Confused about my preference, what do you think?

Postby jen » Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:57 pm

Hi

To be honest with you i agree with everything fragmented has said and don't think i can add much more to what she's said.

What i did want to say was, it's not your fault. I know you said that when at school there is all the stigma of "oooohhh you fancy her/him" and "yuk i saw you kissing" etc. I think this goes on everywhere and even with older people there is still that little bit of embarassment when people take the mick if they find out two people are going out so i really don't think that's to blame. I mean to be honest i don't think anything's to blame. As fragmented said, life is about developing and learning. You never know, you may just be more fussy and end up meeting someone randomly and thinking "wow he/she is gorgeous and their personality is just great".

I really would try not to worry about it too much. Everyone is different.

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