I'm Still In Love With My Ex Boyfriend.

[Samb5413]

Well..I Seem to just keep having issues which I really need help on at the minute but anyway,
This year has been good and bad in places, met this lad in february really lovely and sweet, we hit it off really well I'd met him through two of my friends and as he was local I thought i'd meet him, I'm fully gay and came out with it but at this time none of my family knew so I thought yeah it's time to come out and say i'm gay so I told my mum and she met Gareth (the lad I was with at the time) and she liked him.
The relationship went on till we ran into issues, mainly because of alcohol, I'd think he wasn't exactly treating me right but maybe he was I really don't know as I was highly intoxicated anyway the relationship ended very badly, Another party at his and I went and spoke to his brothers girlfriend and admitted that me and Gareth had been having a relationship, she then convinced me that it would be the best thing to do if I come out and tell his mum as now as he'd apparently according to what I'd been told at this time, gone off with someone else a day after he'd split up with me.
Anyway his brothers girlfriend got his mum and I bottled out I couldn't say it I knew it would cause problems so before I could take her back and say no I don't think I should do this it was too late she told his mum and his mum now knows. The problem is he hates me now, I still love him as I always said I loved him but we don't talk that contact connection has been well and truly detached.
Just reccently one of his friends also mine after I told her there was many issues going on at home she told Gareth and he appeared to be concerned about me which has thrown me completly because I know that he's with someone else and I know he loved me and I know that I still love him and can't get over him I've just spent the last 3 months just putting a brave face on it and acting like he's not there when it's so difficult because he's at the same college as me!
I'm really not sure what to think now..has he got feelings..does he still care like I do with him and does he forgive me for something I didn't really do?
Please help me.
Sam

[ILoveChristmas]

Sam,

You definately need to stop this 'does he have feelings for me' stuff. In your own words he went "off with someone a day after he'd split up with me". Now I don't know about you, but if someone did that to me i'd have to seriously question their feelings for me in the first place.

That aside though, I suspect from what you've written this chap is having some fairly serious home issues, brought about in part by his brother's girlfriend doing what she had no right to do and outing him without his consent or involvement. The reason I think that is his reaction towards you. If his home life was settled and his sexuality was known to his family I doubt he'd have had quite such an extreme reaction.

If I were in your position i'd do all that I could to stop thinking about him so much, involve yourself in other things and try to convince yourself that nothing can come of your interest in him. As far as you know he's with someone else anyway, so he's off limits.

I think his interest in your well-being is only natural for someone you're friendly with or have been involved with in the past, it's not a sign that he's interested in resuming things. That's how I read it anyway.

[ObiWan]

I cant really see any positive purpose that someone else other than Gareth himself telling his mum would have served tbh. Maybe you realised this and stopped yourself before you did it. Even if you think he does think you played a part in this, does he know that you didnt, or did he get a different story?
Its good if you can admit that alcohol may not have helped in your relationship for whatever reason, and may just be masking other problems. His caring about your problems could be many things, but you were together with him for a while, and doesnt necessarily mean he feels the same way as you do. I realise him being with someone else is not making you feel good either, but there was a reason for the original split as well. Yes, certainly people get back together sometimes, though I wouldnt place all your hopes on it. I certainly think its worth trying to do other things and with other people if you can to try not to think so much about him if you can.
All the best
John

[Samb5413]

Thank you to both of you for your advice.
The problem is that No Gareth only thinks I outed his sexuality to his mum which I really didn't yes, I'd been drinking but I hadn't drank so much that I couldn't remember or that I couldn't exactly control what I was saying or my actions because I could and did. Now his mum knows the truth and I only wish that she'd just tell him the truth because he needs to know and I can't do that because he'll just think it's me lying about the whole thing which I'm definitely not I wouldn't I couldn't do that to him. Also there was issues already in his family and he did once tell me "Sam I'm a mummy's boy I can't bare to loose her again" that'll pretty much tell you really what had happened in his family, I tried to support him through this and I feel that he's still apprehensive and scared if his mum was to leave again I mean she's a lovely person (even though she doesn't really like me I found this out after she said she won't let her son have anything to do with me) this upset me quite a lot and what I'd really love to find out is why have they turned it all back on me, I'm 17 it's not fair on me or him because he doesn't know the truth but I do but I'm powerless to do anything about it even though some of his friends know now because I've been broken up over the whole thing for months and I feel I am partly what responsible because I shouldn't of told his brothers girlfriend but she said she'd help me deal with what his friend had told me which I feel she didn't help me she just basically made sure that I would get pushed out which is exactly what's happened.
I'm so confused because basically now I'm told by a friend of mine and his that just recently he's been concerned about me and what's been going on at home with me and then today my friends were telling me that he was looking at me whilst I was at the Smoking Shelter At College that to me could mean anything or does he know the truth about who really outed him to his mum and family? or is he ready to sort things out with me. I can be friends with him because he's my ex but I'd need to keep my distance because I know for a fact I'd fall back in love with him because I still do love him and what I really want him to know is that I still care about him, I don't hate him I can't!
Just wish he'd understand..
Sam

[ObiWan]

Hi Sam,

I know you are finding it difficult to work through this, and I think you really need to find as much support for yourself as you can as well. You could easily be putting too much onto things like this outing incident, he may know more than you think already. The thing is things didnt break down because of that happening anyway. Family relationships that are not exactly perfect exist for nearly everyone, what you see from the outside is often quite different from happens when you see things close up. Take the support from friends, and do try and do other things as well yeh.

John

[Samb5413]

Thank you again for your advice.
I just think things got so messed up in our relationship I mean I know for certain alcohol started many problems off in the relationship that much I know.
I'd love him to know that I still care about him and that I'm not against him in anyway and hope him and his new lad work out really well. I've just got to stop thinking about him even though I've so many feelings for him but it's not really worth me still continuing to feel really when I come to think of it I just really hope he's ok and I wish I could speak to him and really say how much i'm sorry and that nothings really changed apart from how I am, being that I don't really have it in me to argue anymore I don't see the point. Yeah, people tell me I just let lads walk all over me but that's not entirely true although I do feel with some I've been used for sex but I won't really go into that because it's something that I've dealt with by cutting contact with those who use me but I know for sure Gareth didn't use me he did try to love me but I think things just got so tough for him to deal with and he was only 15 he's 16 now I just really hope he's ok.
I won't try and comprehend that I don't love him because I do but I've just to move on and do what's best for the both of us ain't I?
Sam

[Bel Bel]

Someone can care for you but that doesn't mean they think that being in a realtionship with you will work. Don't confuse him caring as him wanting to be with you.

You could always write him a letter explaining what happened with his mum, although to be honest I would just leave things now as you will probably annoy the brothers g/f if you do that. She was wrong to tell you to out someone else, it was Gareths choice.

My main concern is your talk of alcohol. Do you think perhaps you need help with it? It will make you more emotional and it will be harder to get over Gareth too.

I see you have your pic as your avatar, remember that means you won't be anoymous on here to anyone who knows you. Not sure if that is an issue for you.

[Samb5413]

Hmmm I think I'm just going to leave it and as for alcohol I'm not drinking anymore cos I just think it causes issues. I'm just going to bite my tongue and get on with it all I'm just trying to get my mind off Gareth because he's happy and I'm pretty sure if he really wants to talk to me he'll make the contact unless he wants me to do that but i'm too scared to so i'll just leave it all to fate but as long as he's happy that's fine with me.
Sam