Bitterly alone or self-loathing? (Homophobic Homosexual)

For any problems related to sexuality, coming out & gay relationships.
Forum rules

Bitterly alone or self-loathing? (Homophobic Homosexual)

Postby SillyMistakes » Tue Oct 13, 2015 2:51 am

okay, I don't really know which part to say first so I'm sorry if it seems my problem is a bit haphazard, I just don't really know where to start. So I've been single for about two years now, which I suppose in the grand scheme of things isn't that long, I know people who've been single longer, but all my friends either have long-term partners or worse, have only just become single and are already moaning about it. I've thought to myself for a while I was happy being single until I met someone, I suppose my problem is in a town like mine I already know all the gay people, and don't like them, (should've probably mentioned, gay male here), so maybe I should move somewhere bigger? But I like my little town, I love my friends, and the fact you know everyone somehow, I'm comfortable here, its not small enough to be suffocating but not big enough to be intimidating. Anyway, my problem is... I think I'm genuinely growing to hate gay people, to the point where I'm alienating myself, and not having a chance to meet any because I categorize them. I've found it all too easy lately to categorize gay people into their individual stereotype, and the problem is 90% of the time its right, even the other 10% it only got one thing wrong, and the worst part is, even I'm not an exception, I'm just way too old for my age - I categorize myself as the "old, bitter, borderline alcholic gay who wanted to settle down but after years of being messed around/messing around he ends up giving up" and I'm 21. Now I know, a majority of people saw the "I'm 21" part and instantly thought "he's got years left before he has to worry, what the hell is this guy moaning about?" me being single isn't a problem, unless it's what's causing this bitter outlook on homosexuality. I've always, from a young age, been confident about my sexuality, even though it surprised a LOT of people, but now even after masturbating I just think about how much I hate gay people. My sex drive has plummeted, I used to be one of the hypersexual gay boys who lead sordid and daily sexual lives while having a minimal amount of romance, and now I barely bring myself to masturbate once a month, sometimes longer, and even then its a case of getting it over with as quickly as possible. Any gay guy I meet, I instantly start thinking about what they're going to do to annoy me. The worst part is, I've not once been proven wrong! Example: Guy A seems like a decent guy, but is friends with Guy B, who doesn't. My assumption: Guy A gets talked into sleeping with Guy B despite Guy B's long term relationship. What happened: Guy A slept with Guy B despite Guy B's long term relationship. Even worse, Guy A turns out not to be a decent guy and is blackmailing Guy B into doing what Guy A wants. Now if I told anyone about that prediction when I made it, I would've been asked what basis I had for it, for which I had none, and they would've snorted and called me a cynic, but it happened right? I could list of a dozen examples like that right now, if it wouldn't turn a long rant even longer.

Even the nice gay guys lemonade me off because I know they'll either have a list of secrets, or be dragged into the orgy of rats crawling all over each other humping everything they can, or the moment they lose their v turn into a sex-crazed maniac (happens a surprising amount) or be nice enough guys, but simply pretentious and defensive. I mean, if I tell the "Guy A/Guy B" story, I've tried to keep it as vague as possible so identities cannot possibly be found out, but on a similar website but exclusive to the LGBT community, I shared this story as a way of saying "tell me its not just me..." and got accused of slut-shaming, and maybe I wanted to, but I didn't, and I don't want to get into arguments all the time with ultra-liberals who defend everybody without giving one thought to the real issue, how I can stop thinking of gay guys like this. I constantly worry that my bitterness is going to scare off my friends, so I try not to let it show too much... and before I get a load of people talking about being young and having fun, I had my fun, I just always assumed everyone else would grow out of it and want to see how things go in relationship-land, but right now, it seems impossible, even the older gay community in this town are all acting like hypersexual bunnies with no restraint. I was recently heartbroken to find out that the one couple that gave me hope, a young-ish (30) year old couple with an adopted child, had split up, and even more so to notice that one of them had moved right on with another guy. Now I just think its confirmed it, that gay guys really aren't capable of stability, I mean yeah there're a couple example of couples who I think'll never split up: a couple I used to know who work all day and spend every evening inside killing time, and im not exaggerating, they haven't seen their families in 2 years and none of their friends have seen them outside the flat since they got together. but is that a good example of a life well led?

I'm going to stop here, as I could go on for pages. Essentially, I have been having an internal struggle with myself for years now, not over my own sexuality, but over how I get over my perception of everyone else's. I don't want to be a bigot, but Im genuinely finding it hard to look at gay guys and get past the "gay" label, and see them as just human beings. That sounds awful, I know it does, but its true... I've developed a hatred of gay people so powerful I cant even view them as like anyone else any more. What on earth am I meant to do?

P.S. Sorry about the immense randomness of my post, and of the sheer length of the thing.
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2015 1:30 pm
Gender: Male

Re: Bitterly alone or self-loathing? (Homophobic Homosexual)

Postby johnay » Tue Oct 13, 2015 12:38 pm

Hiya I have to say that you sound very down and depressed to me. You are having very negative feelings about gay folks and yourself too which doesn't sound healthy to me..I think I would be going to see the doctor to see if you can get some counseling, not medication though..a young man shouldn't be feeling so uninterested in sex etc. I would also encourage you to try and focus on something completely different from relationships, gay forums and other gay folks as I feel that you have developed an unhealthy interest in all of this. Why not try focussing on your career or your have many years in front of you and its important to find things that will make you feel much more positive about yourself. Go out with your regular friends and don't go looking for a man, someone will turn up when you least expect it..Maybe engage in some sort of physical activity that you enjoy so that you feel physically strong and good about your body too. Lastly try really hard not to analyse other folks behaviours and relationships..Everyone is different and folks have so many ways to connect these days and it can be staggering what some folks both gay and straight get up to..I have a number of close gay mates and know the sorts of things that they get up to and it sometimes frightens me..I don't know if my prattling on is any use to you but take care of yourself
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
Posts: 82
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Return to Sexuality

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest