I've really messed up

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I've really messed up

Postby Daz » Mon Dec 29, 2003 2:48 pm

Hey guys
I really need some advice on this before it gets out of hand. Its quite a long story - sorry bout that.
OK - I started working in a department store about three months ago, and right from day one it was great, everyone was lovely and friendly, and as soon as I told them I was gay, it was fine, no one had a problem. Then about a month after I started another guy came back from holiday, and from the second I saw him I was obsessed! He is so cute, only a couple of years older than me (I'm 19) and everyone seemed to like him, he seemed like a really nice guy. He came and introduced himself to me - where I acted like an idiot and stuttered and blushed and all that - but after that didn't really speak to me. Then one night we had to cash up, it was just the two of us staying late, and we got talking, he told me he was bi, but liked guys better. Well, one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. I was over the moon, until the next day when he completely blanked me. I thought maybe he just felt awkward but the thing is it has been like that since. I tried to talk to him but he's being really nasty, telling me to leave him alone. Because he is so popular it means other people have started to turn against me and its starting to get me down. No one else seems to know he's bi, and I won't tell them, but I can't understand why he's being so spiteful. I love my job and don't want to quit but I can't see any other way out. What should I do now?
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Postby misatok11 » Mon Dec 29, 2003 4:09 pm

I think he just saw you as a bit of fun.

Maybe the other people at his work don't know that he is Bi-sexual and that he may feel embarassed if they find out. He is being a bit nasty to you but just move on. He is being childish, it is not worth the hassle.

You deserve a bit better than that.
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Postby Daz » Mon Dec 29, 2003 8:02 pm

Well you'd think that after he'd treated me like that I'd have gone off him but I haven't, I still really like him. If he's not interested anymore, thats OK, I can deal with that but the fact that it upset him so much makes me wonder if maybe he's confused. At work today I caught him looking at me, and we held eye contact for ages, but then he just glared at me and carried on. The only upside to today was that another guy from work said he'd noticed the tension, and not to worry - so now at least I have someone to talk to. It's just weird though - I don't sleep around and even though I knew this was never serious, I could have just gone back to mates...I would even have put up with me blanking me, but his being mean just seems pointless.
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Postby misatok11 » Mon Dec 29, 2003 8:06 pm

It is pointless but just be you, the others around him will notice how different his attitude is. At east you have someone else to talk to. Maybe he feels used or duped but that is his problem that only he can overcome.
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Postby saz » Tue Dec 30, 2003 8:39 am

Hi Daz im sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound like he is either embarrassed or scared people are going to find out and the way he is behaving is unfair and immature. There are plenty of ways to tell someone you dont want a relationship without being nasty to them. Maybe this is the way he behaves towards ex's and one night stands in general, he may well have a background to his life that could explain his behaviour.

I dont think you should leave either but if it is affecting your work and you feel uncomfortable it would be better for you. Next time you two are alone you could ask him outright what his problem is and he may tell you if no one else is around. If he doesn't want to discuss it then take the mature approach and let it go - he obviously can't. Make the effort to be as nice as possible then at least other people will see that it is his problem not yours.

Good luck.
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Postby Daz » Mon Jan 05, 2004 12:33 am

OK, I have an update (and I'm sorry if this is getting boring but its nice to be able to talk to someone impartial!)
I went out new years eve with a bunch of people from work, this guy included. I was actually dreading it but once we got there, he took me to one side and apologised! He said he'd felt awkward cause everyone else thinks he's straight. So I forgave him, and the night was really good. Cut to three in the morning, everyone very very drunk and guess who I ended up sleeping with again. I regretted it right afterwards, but since then, he's been a real sweetheart and we're getting closer. Then at work yesterday, he actually told one of his mates - a girl - what happened between us and she went crazy, saying it was disgusting. It really upset him and now this girl has gone and told a whole bunch of people, a lot of whom have taken it badly and are blanking him. The thing is, I can't understand it - everyone was fine when I said I was gay, why is it such a big deal for him? He's devastated and I want to help him, but I don't know how.
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Postby Enigma » Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:51 am

Hi Daz. I don't think you've "messed up" at all. Are you regretting sleeping with the guy because of a concious awareness of the potential hurt to you emotionally? I've been in somewhat of a similar situation this week. I met a guy at a house party on New Year's Eve.

This guy was supposed to be straight but we ended up doing stuff. He was the person that instigated everything, I made no pass at him whatsoever. Now the whole focus of the situation is about him being okay and his coming to terms with whatever sexuality he maybe.
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Postby misatok11 » Mon Jan 05, 2004 5:38 am

people tend to blame others for them messing up. It's cruel but it is some peoples reaction to them trying to come to terms with their problems.
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Postby Daz » Tue Jan 06, 2004 10:32 pm

To be honest I've been so worried about how people are treating him right now that I've forgotten about me. But at the back of my mind, I'm still scared that if I get too close to him now, he'll hurt me. I don't know, I'm so confused! He keeps ringing cause he's upset but I don't know what he wants me to do about it - if he doesn't even know himself if he's gay, how can I help him? Surely thats something he has to figure out by himself, and if I make a move again it'll just confuse things! Its driving me crazy!
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Postby saz » Wed Jan 07, 2004 7:21 am

It sounds like the girl who went crazy was shocked, maybe because she thought she might have a chance! If he is really unsure of his feelings he might send out all sorts of confusing signals and she might have got the wrong end of the stick.

You have come to terms with your sexuality and are proud of yourself, which is the best way to live your life - for anyone. Unfortunately not everyone feels that way and you have to leave it for him to work out for himself. He knows how you feel and he probably does really like you but is scared of his feelings, which in some ways is understandable. It is probably a bit scary for him and he doesn't know what to do or say. It is unfair to drag you into this confusion and maybe you should leave him to work out how he is feeling and let you know if he does want a relationship.

It is up to you whether you are happy to see him in secret or just as a one night stand. If you dont think you can handle this it would be better to stop seeing him like that until his mind is clearer because you might end up getting hurt.

Good luck i hope things go ok for you.
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cos i'm in love with the inner being
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Postby Daz » Sat Jan 10, 2004 12:53 am

Hey, again, I'm sorry to keep posting about something you're probably all sick of but I got home a while ago and have been panicking ever since, I wasn't going to post but otherwise I think I'll go crazy.
I went out tonight with a group of mates, went to this bar and then when I went up to the bar, I noticed this guy from work - who I haven't really seen much of since new year. I was happy he was in a gay bar, cause its a pretty big step, so I went over to talk to him, and he asked if we could go outside. We were just talking when he suddenly turned on me and said that he wished nothing had ever happened between us and that it was my fault he'd had to come out and that he could have kept it a secret. I tried to tell him that he wouldn't have been happy like that and he got really angry and lashed out. I've ended up with this huge cut right across my cheek and a black eye - not to mention being terrified. As soon as he did it he looked shocked and just walked away, I was too stunned to follow so just came home.
I don't know if I can handle this any more, I've tried to be there for him and I thought he was getting somewhere, I thought he was OK about it all but now I can't understand, why is it all my fault? I didn't mean to hurt him and now I feel really guilty cause its obviously something I've done. I wish I could take back everything thats happened but I can't and now I'm scared to go near him.
I really don't know what to do I've been crying for the past hour and I'm really not sure how much more I can take.
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Postby misatok11 » Sat Jan 10, 2004 10:56 pm

I think you just need to give the guy a wide berth. Drink also amplifies a persons feelings so him lashing out was probably a result of this.

I Think unless he approaches you to talk just leave him alone.
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Postby Enigma » Sun Jan 11, 2004 1:20 am

Hey Daz, don't apologise about posting in your own topic! It's absolutely fine.

I know how you are feeling. Someone is taking out their fears and insecurities on you. There is no reason for you to regret what has happened, because as I've said you have done nothing wrong. At the moment you feel down about the situation, but if you look back at was has happened you'll see that you've tried really hard to give a helping hand - in more ways than one of course.
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Postby Daz » Sun Jan 18, 2004 2:17 pm

OK, I know I should be over this guy but I'm not!
I left my job - I was so angry that I had to do that! - and thought I wouldn't see him ever again. But he always goes out near me, I see him all the time and it really hurts that he usually blanks me. The only times he ever speaks to me is when he's drunk. After he hit me, he hasn't apologised but he just comes up to me and starts flirting with me. I wish I could just ignore him and completely cut contact but I really really like him. He's admitted now to a lot of people around him that he's gay and thats great and everything but he still holds me responsible for the fact that he had to come out to start with! Its so frustrating! When he comes on to me its all I can do to keep my hands off him! Do you think I'm wasting my time?
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Postby sovs » Sun Jan 18, 2004 6:42 pm

I think he's very confused and insecure but he had no right to treat you the way he did and certianly had no right to hit you.

If he comes over to flirt again say to him that you like him but you want space from him till he sorts his head out as he's treating you like rubbish.
You really should just give eachother some space so you can sort your head out to.

I think its disgraceful how the people at work responded.
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