Big Mistake

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Postby kindredspirit » Fri Apr 30, 2004 11:47 pm

Wow. This is hard.

I have always considered myself straight but I suppose I was always curious as to what it would be like to kiss another guy.

A few weeks ago I ended up kissing this guy but it went further and we ended up having oral as well #-o .I wouldn't let him go all the way with me.

What troubles me is the fact that I felt disgisted at the idea of going all the way, physically sick, but anything up to that really turns me on.

So I'm kind of attracted to guys but not that enough to go all the way, and also to girls. Is this anywhere close to normal?
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Postby luvva » Fri Apr 30, 2004 11:53 pm

Of course it's normal!

Everyone enjoys different things and I don't think it's weird at all that you wouldn't want to go any further, so people don't see any problem with it, but others may find it hard to go further than oral with someone of the same sex.

As long as you are enjoying yourself and not doing things you don't want to I don't think it's a problem, maybe in time you will want to go further, just see how it all goes.
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Postby Enigma » Fri Apr 30, 2004 11:55 pm

Hi kindredspirit, welcome to the forums, and thanks for opening up to us.

This is absolutely close to normal! A lot of gay/bisexual guys never have anal sex. Was that the first time you had kissed a guy as well performing oral sex? If so, then it must be a shock for everything to happen so fast - it was the same for me.

You've called this topic "Big Mistake," is this because you regret what you did or that you're worried you're doing something wrong?
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Postby kindredspirit » Sat May 01, 2004 7:48 am

Thanks guys.

It was my first time full stop. I think I just feel as though I'm 'copping out' by not commiting to saying I'm definitely bi/straight/gay. To me it feels a bit like I'm a horrible sex addict who will sleep with anything to 'get mine'. Does this make sense?

I'm not saying I am a sex addict but I'm worried I'm messing about with people. This guy clearly liked me very much and we'd had a coupla conversations prior which led up to the event.

Usually I'm so set on what I want and how I'm going to achieve it but I'm so confused. To me it's out of character.
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Postby kindredspirit » Sat May 01, 2004 7:50 am

Sorry kinda didn't answer Enigma's Q.

I think both. I'm worried I am doing something wrong and also that I have made a mistake.

I suppose I always saw homosexuality as unnatural.
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Postby Fidel » Sat May 01, 2004 10:40 am

Well, You don't need a label. Do what you want to do - if full penetrative intercourse isn't for you - then so be it!
Nothing is "normal" - it's all down to personal preference and the fact that you can choose for yourself and not be forced or pressurised is a very positive sign too
:D
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Postby Enigma » Sat May 01, 2004 4:10 pm

Okay, well, you didn't sleep with that guy. You made a decision not to. Let's evaluate what happened: a guy liked you a lot, you chatted with each other a couple of times, then you ended up doing stuff together. Can you spot any point there at which you became obligated to do anything with him whatsoever? Exactly. You made a decision about what stuff you would and wouldn't do with him. So, what if he wanted you to go further with him, you haven't signed a contract!

When you say "full stop," was this the first time you kissed any person at all?
Did you like the guy you did stuff with?

I think the only reason why you are not committing to classifying your sexual orientation is that you're not really sure what the classification is! You're working on working it out, you're thinking about it and doing your research. This is not "copping out," you are confused but you are not messing about with people.
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Postby goldenrod » Sat May 01, 2004 5:51 pm

I sort of agree with everyone(not like me at all =D> ) but I assume the other guy is gay.Were you drunk or getting that way at the time? 'cause we often end up doing things we feel ashamed about afterwards,under the influence of alcohol and other "disinhibitors".
I think what worries you is that you don't really have strong physical feelings for your mate,and don't want to let him down or find yourself going down a path you don't want to tread.I don't believe in labels either,but don't beat yourself up about one experience.Your probably firmly heterosexual,but does it REALLY matter how you express your sexuality as long as everyones happy?
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Postby kindredspirit » Sun May 02, 2004 12:19 am

When I said "full stop" I meant sexually, I am a virgin :o . But it's definitely not the first time I have kissed anyone, although it was my first kiss with a guy.

We had a bit to drink and I did like him. But I think I was attracted to him physically rather than emotionally? I don't find most guys attractive (hence the ambivalence) but I particularly thought this guy was hot.

Probably shoulda mentioned before but it happened three nights in a row with the same guy, two nights a bit tipsy, one sober. I was on holiday.

All these replies are so nice and supportive saying things like "as long as you're not hurting anyone" but I'm concerned that I am. Did I lead this guy on?

P.S. yes he was gay.
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Postby goldenrod » Sun May 02, 2004 12:56 am

You seem to have a bit of a hang up (if you don't mind me saying) about being a "virgin". Lack of penetrative sex with either guys or girls doesn't make you a virgin,particularily with guys.Plenty of gays don't go for penetrative sex either giving or receiving and are more than happy to just do what you have already experienced.
The big difference that I see in your case,is you admitting that there is no emotional attachment with your experience and that it appears to be purely physical release of pent up desire,albeit enjoyable.
Most young gay guys,lacking in experience,in my opinion,tend to get very emotionally involved with their sexual partners.I know I did.
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Postby kindredspirit » Sun May 02, 2004 8:00 pm

I have no problems with people saying anything at all. The truth may hurt, but it's important to know what you're really thinking so I understand your true point of view.

I think maybe you're right.

Perhaps because I have never had a sexual experience prior to this I was suddenly paranoid (not the right word?) that I was gay when I have always considered myself straight.

I agree that it was just physical. What I mean to say is that it's so flattering when someone pays you that much attention, regardless of their gender/orientation and it has been a while since my last girlfriend?

I'm quite tired and I'm not sure this is making any sense. Lots of thoughts floating round my head at the moment! :o

However, I have never done anything with girls at all.

P.S. Did I mention how reassuring everyone's posts are. Its stupid because I know it, but it is comforting to know that other people have been through similar things.
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Postby goldenrod » Mon May 03, 2004 12:06 am

I think you're suffering from low self esteem because of your lack of experience sexually.Of course you're flattered by someones attention if you've never experienced attention of a sexual nature before!
How old are you by the way.Everyone matures at different times and ages and it means absolutely nothing! Don't try too hard and it will all fall into place,you wait and see.
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Postby Enigma » Mon May 03, 2004 12:13 am

Sexual orientation is about two types of attraction: emotional, and physical. You may like someone emotionally or physically, or both. Just because the experience you have described only involved a physical attraction, this doesn't make it any less meaningful in relation to sexual orientation. If you went through all your life having only physical relationships with the same gender, it would not be fair to say this was not homosexual on the basis there was no emotional involvement.

You are not required to justify what you have or haven't done, and I don't think you're looking for justifications either. I think you're looking for clarity, and you won't feel comfortable until you have enough understanding about what you are and aren't feeling. Earlier you said "I don't find most guys attractive." If you were bisexual or gay, you wouldn't be expected to like every guy you see, just like it's not expected that you fancy each woman in the world. It's estimated that only 10% of the worlds population is completely straight or gay - most of us are inbetween.
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Postby kindredspirit » Mon May 03, 2004 3:15 am

Man this site is good. Nothing like sharing wisdom. It's my 20th birthday in a coupla months so I've a long way to go.

It's actually kind of funny how a [chance] encounter with one guy could be enough to make you really stop and think about stuff. Think I try to over-analyse everything #-o :D

I've always been a bit 'beyond my years' so I reckon inside I'm a 40 year old trying to work out why I'm a virign. daft really :lol:
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Postby Enigma » Mon May 03, 2004 3:34 am

I turned 20 years young in April.

:)
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