Life confusing

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Life confusing

Postby Cherry Muffin » Wed Jun 01, 2005 4:08 pm

Hey im a 18 year old girl and am basically getting very down as i have no-one to talk to about my problems. i had my first boyfriend when i was 14 which was a little later than myother friends but i didnt mind. for the first year we didnt do anything sexual just for the main reason that i felt i was too young for anything like that. this boy and i became very close still. i could talk to him about anything and he was my best friend aswell as my boyfriend. we loved each other very much even though we were young and i felt completely safe with him. after that initial year when he tried to suggest doing things other than kissing i felt strange about it perhaps because i was not comfortable with it still but i think i just didnt want him to see me in any other way because i didnt want o spoil what we had. as the feeling we had for each other were so strong we kept going out and he stopped trying. this made us even closer and i loved my time with him so much.

we were together at the end of school but i decided i didnt want to go to the local college but to another one further out, this meant going to a different college to the boyfriend. we decided it would be ok and saw a lot of each other considering the workload from college and working part time. but in this college i went to i knew no-one and began to find myself as a person. i started kissing my female friends and becoming attracted to other girls aswell as boys. this aggrevated my boyfriend slightly even though he helped me come out as bisexual. because of this and the pressures of other things we broke up. it was awful and i needed at least six months to start getting over him. after this time i went out with a couple of other guys but even with them i found it hard to start sexual activities further than kissing. i did think i was lesbain for a long time but when i got the chance to experiment further with a girl i still clammed up when she tried to touch me. now im very confused... am i lesbain? straight? or bisexual? or have i just got underlying issues about my body??

please comment on this as i feel ashamed to talk to my friends as they are nearly all sexually active and what i struggle with seems to come so naturally to them...

Thank you x x x
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Postby Moose » Wed Jun 01, 2005 7:07 pm

These people who you attempt to take things further with... are you close to them? I know you say that you loved your ex boyfriend, and that you were close, but if you had been together so long and from such a young age, maybe you just saw him as a very close friend?

Maybe you're just the sort of person who can only get sexual with someone if you're really close to them and feel completely at ease. There's nothing wrong with that - at least I hope there's not, because that's exactly what I'm like. It doesn't even matter if I fancy the pants off the person- I can't do anything with them until I'm sure of them.

You're the only one who knows if you're straight or not - though I don't think it sounds like you are. I think you should give yourself a break, because analysing a situation like this is bound to make you stress about it more if you do try to get close to someone. Try to relax and meet people - guys or girls, or both! - and if you feel relaxed enough to get close to them, great. If not, wait until you are ready. Just don't force yourself, or let yourself be foreced, into a situation that you're not happy with, and one that's going to make you feel even worse.
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Postby Lorelei » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:17 pm

You don't have to put yourself into a category (i.e. gay, straight or bisexual.) As Moose said, you should just go out and enjoy meeting people of whatever gender.

As for your sexual reluctance, it's important that you try to figure out what feelings are stopping you from being intimate with others. Has anything negative ever happened in your past, on a sexual level? I'm not prying, but if the answer is 'yes', then perhaps counselling might help you to let go of whatever fears you have.

If you genuinely can't think of any reason that you would be uncomfortable with sexual intimacy, then don't worry too much. Things happen at different times for different people. When the time is right for you, you'll know. Moose is right; perhaps you just haven't been close enough to someone emotionally yet to really let down your barriers.xxx
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Postby Cherry Muffin » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:38 pm

Hmmm good points people!! thanks for the advice!! im not sure about the sexual history question. i was prodded around with 'down there' lol as a child as i was commonly infected with something or another. nothing serious though. so by the time i was 11 i had had a lot of doctors prod around with me and i didnt feel embarrassed by lying on a table legs 'akimbo' while a doctor had a look n feel (purely medical!! i didnt get molested or anything im not trying to insinuate that). do you think this has afected my opinion on sexual touching? i sometimes (rarely tho) touch myself but i am usually drunk or something, the awful thing is i want so badly to be straight and im not sure why... i have absolutely nothing against gay people i have many friends who are but i cannot anvision myself in a relationship with a girl just with a boy but i dream about sexual encounters with both sexes... does that help anyone??
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Postby Lorelei » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:55 pm

Okay, well perhaps the fact that your previous experiences of being touched are largely medical, makes it hard for you to translate people 'prodding at you' into a sensual, arousing experience.

The fact that you usually touch yourself when drunk might mean that you have some inhibitions when sober that prevent you from wanting to explore your sexuality.

Although you may not have found the medical examinations upsetting, they can't have been very pleasant. I'm sure that you would have been relieved each time that they were over. Perhaps those memories have contributed to your dislike for intimate touching, and it's no wonder.

When you feel very close to a romantic partner, you should try to make the atmosphere anything but clinical! Enjoy a bath, massage, candle-light, etc. before you even think about going further. Making sure that you're fully relaxed might be the key.

You also seem very worried about your sexual orientation, and that can't be helping. It doesn't sound bad that you wish you were straight. Unfair as it is, straight people usually do have easier lives. They don't have to 'come out' or be judged by prejudiced people. However, you are who you are. Once you meet the right person, all your concerns will melt away because you will be happy in your love life. Maybe you'll fall for a man, maybe you'll fall for a woman... But don't worry so much until it happens, and when it does, hopefully you'll be too busy being in love to question it! xxx
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Postby Cherry Muffin » Wed Jun 01, 2005 11:03 pm

hehehe just noticed that my status is 'just landed' very appropriate i think lol.. this is amazing advice thanks so much!! i ve just got back from my exes house as i have has a few family problems at home and when push came to shove he was the first person i rang on instinct to help. we dont really see each other that much anymore and it was nice seeing him but the relationship is still hazy on definate grounds. last night we stayed up till 2 o'clock talking and i opened up to him about my problems at home and cried infront of him which i dont do infront of many people. it was nice as i felt so comfortable with im and as the night went on i wanted him to touch me in which ever way possible but the atmosphere was tense in a way as we have so much history. his family were very happy to see me and have asked me to visit in the very near future... do i visit and get myself into the same situation as i was in last night or stay away??
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Postby lilessexgal » Thu Jun 02, 2005 11:22 am

only you can decide that! did you like his company so much last night that you want to be with him again? you say even though it was tense you wanted him to touch u so maybe that means you feel comfortable with one person finally and that could of been the reason before you felt uncomfortable with people touching you because you didnt feel close enough to them? do you still like this boy and does he still like you?
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Postby Cherry Muffin » Thu Jun 02, 2005 7:54 pm

i obviously still like this guy in my own mind im not sure if he'll takeme back though and i dont ant to ruin my friendship with him and his family. he did flirt a little eg. putting his hand on my back while i was looking at a picture on his wall and when we were alone he play fought with me like we used to when we were together. i would jump at athe chance to be with him again really. he was the best thing that ever happened to me and i totally took it for granted while we were together guess the old sayings true.. dont know what you've got till its gone!! plz reply (speshly lilessexgal cos u were onto something thr)
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Postby lilessexgal » Fri Jun 03, 2005 5:10 pm

but how do you know its gone? i think you shouldnt jump straight into it but if what you say about the play fighting and the way he put his hand on your back well if they werent in a lets be friends way then he might still like you. if you just see him more often as friends and something may soon happn again. if its ment to be it will happen. you could also call him up every now and again just to chat and stuff show you find him interesting.
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Postby Cherry Muffin » Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:15 am

ok lilessexgal! my mom went on holiday yesterday so i am on my own for like a week and i was talking to said 'ex' on the internet the other dayand we organised for him to came over tonite to chill out with me n get a few drinks in. this was organised purely on a friends basis but my mates at work reckon something may happen. as he is driving over here first then drinking i offered him the spare room. this will be strange though because itsa only me n him in the house and i feel this may provide a little uneasyness on the whole 'right time to go to bed.. goodnight!' period of the night...

referring to the starting posts in this topic i went out last nite n got with this random guy as i was so hammered he seemed a nice enough guy so i thought 'wat the heck a bit of kissing isnt going to hurt is it' but then he asked to sit down and 'talk' wich obviously means can we go touch each other up somewhere more private lol. i sat down on this seating part with him n we chatted for a bit and then he kissed me n his hands went a wandering as they do, but instead of many other times this has happened and i just pull away at that point i let him ... as i said i was very drunk... it only lasted a second but i tensed up completely and squirmed in my seat (which he obviously took as something else *sighs*) i pushed him off gently as to not let him think i was daft and he whispered in my ear that he wanted us to go to the toilet. i took my oppurtunity here and ran into the girls toilets and stayed in thr for a lonnnggg time... thing is i felt awful and sorta violated after and i dont blame the guy because i gave him the wrong impression but i obviously had this forum in the back of my mind and tried it without success. it didnt hurt like hell but it would have been so much better with someone else :cry:
people please reply to this!! any help would be fantastic!!! x x x x x x
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Postby Lorelei » Sun Jun 05, 2005 12:05 pm

Well, you didn't really know the guy you met last night, or have feelings for him, so it's really very understandable that you wouldn't have felt comfortable about being touched by him.

Also, as long as you're still in love with your ex, you will feel that someone else touching you is 'wrong'. Subconsciously, you probably think 'It should be him...'

I hope everything goes well between you tonight. If you and he get into a serious conversation, you could try making a few comments about how much you regret the way you treated him, and how you wonder if things might have worked out in different circumstances. His reaction would tell you a lot about how he sees you now, and you might be able to gauge whether or not there's any hope of a reconciliation. xxx
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Postby lilessexgal » Sun Jun 05, 2005 1:39 pm

well i hope everything goes well with your ex. you never know what might happen but being friends first is always the key to a relationship because you dot want to be gf and bf but hate each other. so its good to see that your getting together as friends even if something might happen.

as for the other thing as you say you were drunk so probably didnt fully know what you were doing so put it to the back of your mind. it was a one off and you know now that the only person you believe you would be comfortable with is your ex so forget about what happened last night.
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Postby Cherry Muffin » Sun Jun 05, 2005 4:12 pm

ok completely scared about tonite now!!!
i'm not expecting anything to happen as this boys so damn sensible it kills me. i know that if i dink i will lose some inhibitions though and let my feelings fore him become exagerrated. should i tell him about last night?? or will it ruin it its just i feel i need to talk to someone about it. probably best not to hmm..
wow i so thought i was over him but i suppose its just because we havent seen each other for so long that i havent been reminded. he came over the other day to drop my phone off and i dont really know whats going on as our realatonship was very strange anyway when we went out with the whole 'best mates' thing goin on so maybe im just reading too much into the fact it feels the same when he talks to me.
everybody i talk to about this thinks me n him should get back together but they dont know about him and how he feels. it would take a lot of work and i would feel concerned about starting up a deeper relationship with him as he has had a sexual realtionship since me with a girl for a rew months and although i have had other boyfriends it has not got to this stage. i could cry when i think that me and him were both virgins and going out for such a long time it would have been perfect i just have to let my inhibitions go that i have about my body. x x x
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Postby lilessexgal » Sun Jun 05, 2005 8:27 pm

well if your feelings are that strong and you want to get it off your chest why dont you tell him the truth? unless you think for definate you can handle being friends unless he makes the move. he might be thinking the same thing.....should i tell her or just leave it? does she think were just best friends? dont panic about tonight just play it calm and see how tonight goes. as for what happened last night your not lieing to him if you dont tell him because you arent going out and it would be a really random thing to mention. if you feel you need to tell him though then go ahead. if he asks about any like past relationships/flings etc etc then tell him.

play it cool tonight and dont get worried if things are that good between you two then things should flow easily.

Good Luck!
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Postby Cherry Muffin » Mon Jun 06, 2005 12:11 pm

rite....

ok its the morning after people! he came round about half eightish n we listened to music n watched tv for a bit while drinkin beer/wine (not mixed) it was ok at first we both started to do the thing where we get a bit closer to each other and there was definately some slight flirting. he asked to see some of my photos and i said they were in my room, this was at about 1am. we both went upstairs n everything was fine we were chatting away completely relaxed thn we were both lying on my bed stil talking but more relaxed and the flirting was more obvious now. nothing happened until we were both completely laid down and i had turned the light off as i said i was tired (whichi was) we both lay there so close to each other for ages not touching and i could feel his breath on my lips it got to a point where both of our mouths were touching and all it took was for me to move slightly before he kissed me. we 'made out' as americans say for a good 2/3 hours and although there was no definate touching it got further than it had gone before. i felt so much like i had to live up to something though even though he knows my lack of experience. we both kept our jeans on but got topless which is new for both of us together as when we were going out i wouldnt even let him take my top off. it was an amazing experience and definatley the most intimate id been with him ever. we fell asleep about 4ish and woke up this morning. he said to me that he liked wakin up with me and i said i felt the same. we kissed a lot this morning too and as i have the house to myself we stayed in bed till 10ish then he got a shower and i made breakfast. ive just walked him half way home and we kissed each other goodbye it was like we were going out again.... but im not sure what to do now. i still feel he doesnt want to start a relationship with me firstly because of the feelings perhaps not being as strong and secondly he is moving away to uni soon and this would perhaps affect his decision.. PLEASE HELP!! X X X [-o<
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