Holiday fling? or more?

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Holiday fling? or more?

Postby Unica » Wed Jul 05, 2006 11:32 pm

I worked in spain for the past year and have recently just returned home. Altho it is great to be back with my friends and family i have never been more down in alllll my life! I have cried every day since i got back. The reason is for the first time in my life i could be myself and now i have to go back to the people pleaser, life and soul of the party, cheeky and cute girl i was before, people in my home city dont like change!
Ive always dated guys then in January i met a really beautiful french girl and we got together straight away! It is killing me not being with her now im home, i didnt even want to come home to complete my university degree!
I love her with all my heart and miss her terribly and the thought of this next year at home is making me sick. But most of all i hate myself for not being able to tell ppl, i told my parents and friends that i was seeing "someone" but they assumed it was a "he" and i didnt correct them. Now im making the best thing in my life a total lie by not telling the truth!...Last night i drunkenly told one friend and she dismissed it by saying it was a "foreign student gone wild" moment...and that it was the "holiday spirit" ....I know she isnt right because it felt more like Home than any place ever has for me!!! What am i supposed to do? Stay here at continue to lie about the person i love...or give up my degree for a girl that my family and friends may never accept as my lover.
PLEASE>>>ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME!!!
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Postby psycho*jadey » Thu Jul 06, 2006 10:04 am

well...first of all, im in the same situation (kind of). my family and most of my friends dont know that iv got a long distance thing with a girl. but to be honest, i dont care what they think. if you love her then it doesnt matter. because she's your choice not theirs. as for the degree part, it depends what you want for your future. and on your girlfriend. if she's gonna wait for you, for a year, then maybe you should get your qualification, for your future etc etc. but if thats not what you want then maybe you should go back to your girlfriend. by the sounds of it you had a great time out there anyway so why not?
if i can see it then i can do it. if i believe it theres nothing 2 it.
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Postby Moose » Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:55 am

What's your girlfriend doing at the moment? Is she settled in Spain? Any chance of her coming over to see you any time soon? If you only have one year left of your degree, it would be a shame to give it up. Maybe you could keep things long distance (you go there as often as possible, she comes to you as often as possible - there are some really cheap flights to Spain now) until you finish and then go over to Spain permanently.

Like psycho-jadey, I know what it's like to keep a relationship secret, and it's not much of a laugh. If I were you, I would work out in your own mind what's happening with your girlfriend before sharing the news with your family. How do you think they would take it? Are you close to them? As for your friend - if you want to talk to her about it and if you think you can trust her, tell her again when you're both sober, and if she says it's just a phase (or whatever she said) again, tell her calmly that it isn't. And keep telling her until she understands.
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Postby Unica » Thu Jul 06, 2006 1:12 pm

Thanks for the advice...yeah shes settled in Spain, her family moved there when she was 14. We've discussed her visiting me but i think im probably the one who keeps putting her off...she speaks fluent french and spanish but no english (apart from silly things ive taught her)... So ive said things like "but u wont be able to talk to anyone so theres no point". As it stands I am going back to visit her in august for a week and its the only thing that is gettin me through each day!
I know that if it is real and if there is a future there then a year shouldnt matter...but a year is a long time when ur apart from someone you love!
I know i probably will finish my degree or my friends and family will hold it against her forever!

Yes im extremly close to my parents and sisters which is why is sooo hard lying to them everyday. I just dont think my mum could cope with it...i know from conversations we have had in the past. I also know im being stupid if i think when i move back to spain i can continue to keep my girlfriend a secret...thats an insult to her and to what we have.

thanks again for takin the time to help me out
x
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Postby Moose » Thu Jul 06, 2006 1:23 pm

Definitely, there's no denying that a year is a long time away from someone you love! So you're seeing her in August - why is it you're putting her off coming to see you? Because of your family, or are you really that concerned about her not being able to speak English? Who cares if she can't speak English - she can communicate with you can't she? And that's why she wants to come over. Do your girlfriend's parents know about you?

I'm probably the wrong person to advise you, because I kept my relationship with another woman from my family for the three years we were together. I knew they would hate it if they'd known, and the relationship was already complicated enough without that as well. I can see why you think it's an insult to your girlfriend to lie to your parents about her, but I would strongly advise you to see if it really is long term first before upsetting them with the news. See if you get on long distance. See if you get on with your girlfriend visiting you and you visiting her.
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Postby Unica » Thu Jul 06, 2006 1:43 pm

No not at all...what ur saying is helping. So thanks lots!!!

Erm i guess im putting her off coming over cos then ill have to tell my family that she is actually more than just a friend. I totally get what ur saying, i know i have to work out if we have a future together before i go shouting from the rooftops. Otherwise it cud be a lot of pain over something that no longer exists! Yes her family know about me...and that makes me sad. Cos they are a beautiful beautiful family, and they were nothing but amazing with me!

I understand what u mean about complications...theres always a little more to everything eh. I wish it cud just be straight forward!

I love my friends sooo much and have been with them since i was 9! (im 21 now) I remember how we all shared stories of who we fancied and just cudnt live without...i remember how one by one they all confided in me when the lost their virginity...or how we wud gossip when they fell in love for the first time....and it just feels like now its my first time for everything ive no one to talk to. Being intimate with someone i love...BEING IN LOVE...being apart from the person i love and i feel so lonely. I cant talk it out with anyone!!
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Postby Moose » Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:09 pm

Me again.

Okay, so you can't talk to your family at the moment, but why do you feel you can't talk to your friends? This is just the way I personally see it, but friends are different to family, and I found it so much easier to come out to friends than family. Hence why I haven't to family yet, but let's just skip over that one! Not one of my friends has had a problem with it, and although some have done the whole "So, do you fancy me then?" (errr, no) most have just taken it in their stride. After all, it doesn't really affect them in the same way as it does your family (as in potentially no grandkids, no traditional wedding, no "normal" life).

I was like you - when I was seeing a girl at school, NO ONE knew. Not one person. When we split, I was gutted, but couldn't tell anyone, which made it a million times worse. At least now when I'm totally upset about the demise of my most recent relationship, I've got several friends being really supportive, and I can sound off to them and it's really helpful. If things go wrong with your girlfriend, who are you going to talk to? Yeah, you can come and vent on here and people will listen (read) and advise if you want, but it isn't the same as having someone in the flesh/on the phone. I'm not saying tell all your friends and have a coming-out party, but maybe one or two who you really trust. Preferably NOT the sort of people who tell their parents everything, and then you'll be stressing about their parents telling your parents (speaking from experience here!! :-? #-o ).
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Postby Unica » Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:14 pm

haha yep we've all been there eh...tell a friend who tells her mum who tells ur mum!! lol

Yeah i really think i will take ur advice. I mean my friends have always been there for me...thru thick and thin! I know that by tryin not to hurt anyone, im hurting everyone!!!

You're great lol...thanx
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Re: Holiday fling? or more?

Postby retrochav » Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:47 am

I am gay so i can understand how it feels to wear a mask and pretend to be something i am not ( i have worked on building sites, fairgrounds etc...not a place to eye anyone up!!!!!!!!!!)

In your case, i strongly advise you to put this girl to the test. If she feels the same she will want you to do well in your degree ( after all if you were to get together then you need somewhere to live, and money to live on) That wont be easy for you, as your head is probably spinning with love. Yet you really, really, must make every effort. The years stretching ahead of you will prove it right if you really make effort with the degree.

As for telling others, where is the hurry? Its not their business to know until you are ready. I would suggest you contact the Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (theres a national number, you can get it through directory enquiries) and find out if theres a local support group you can join. It doesnt mean you are gay, it just gives you a supportive place to be yourself and talk about your feelings. Sadly not everyone understands how we feel, so its good to speak to others who feel the same.

Can you not contact this girl some how? If not, write letters that you can trash as an outlet for your feelings. You have every right to fall in love with whoever you choose, but please dont loose everything else because of it, its a long life and a big world and a rushed decision can have big consequences. Good luck.
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Postby Unica » Mon Jul 10, 2006 6:04 pm

Thanks retrochav...I have spent all weekend thinking about what i should do for the best.
My girlfriend knows i love her sooo much and i know that she feels the same about me, i just dont want her to be unhappy for a whole year while i finish up this degree. :cry: :cry:
I know i have to finish it or one day down the line i really will regret it! She supports my decision but would obviously prefer it that we were together...I just dont want one of us to get hurt and knowing we arent going to see each other for ages.ages.ages is a strain in itself. She is absolutely the most beautiful girl to ever grace my presence!!


What do u mean i shud put her to the test?
she has proved she loves me on many occasions. She knows my family dont know about her and she isnt rushing me. altho i know it hurts her. My sister came out to visit me while i was living there and she was so excited to meet her and when i introduced her as a friend, i knew i broke her heart! But she said she understood!

As you said im finding it hard, impossible even, to get my head into work mode cos every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of her.
I was thinking of trying to go see the councillor at uni but im scared that she might speak to my lecturers or something. Im not sure how it works. Does she have to keep it confidential!? ](*,)

Thanks for reiterating to me that its ok not to be telling others. I know its silly but i do care what ppl think of me and i dont want ppl gossiping. If my girlfriend was here then thats fine but im not sure i cud take it on my own!

Unica!xo
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Postby Kurly_K » Mon Jul 10, 2006 10:23 pm

Any councellor has to keep anything you say confidential and they would be breaking the law if they told anyone about what you said. the onky time this becomes an issue is if you commit a serious crime i think. the councellor you speak to can't do anything unless you want them to. they will just listen to what you have to say and offer ways of coping.

talking about how you are feeling coul help you put things into perspective. i know many unis offer an extnsive range of counselling services. it could be something good to look into.
hope thats some help
xx
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