How to come out and when?

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How to come out and when?

Postby ayeaii » Wed Aug 09, 2006 9:45 pm

Hello, may I ask some advice about how best to come out as gay..
I have never told anyone untill right this moment now...Wow how funny it feels to say it, even on the internet. The only person who knows is myself..I came out to myself 2 years ago :lol: I have been very certain since then, and even more so now.

And it feels so restrictive to keep it secret, sometimes I feel myself nearly slipping up..!! For instance, last week I was going to a disco with my friend, my mother has insisted she was my girlfriend! We laughed about it and she my friend asked if I mind her thinking, and I said 'Not at all, in fact its good because I think it pleases her to think of me having a girlfriend because she will think I am normal' :-? ...she said 'are you trying to tell my something..?' and I just blushed bright red, and looked away and said 'I mean it is not like me to do such grown up things as partying with girlfriends! :lol: ' Phew!!

Yes, so anyway, I find it hard and frustrating to keep it in but I can't bear to tell.. I don't know what will happen.. especially with regards to my parents.. scares me to think. Also, I'm am only 15, so I feel I have so long to tell.. may it even be too hasty to tell now?

Also to be honest many people in my school give me a hard time saying I am gay even though I have never said a word!!!.. So to come out, if, some how, people in my school found out, surely it will get worse. :cry:

What do you think I should do?

thank you!!!
xxx
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Postby psycho*jadey » Wed Aug 09, 2006 10:13 pm

well, your parents probably won't take you seriously. because of your age they'll just think it's a phase or something. but maybe take notice of what they say if they're presented with something to do with being gay. that might give you an idea of how they'll react. and to stop people at school finding out, just tell people you know you can trust
if i can see it then i can do it. if i believe it theres nothing 2 it.
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Postby morris mouse » Wed Aug 09, 2006 10:26 pm

psycho*jadey wrote:To stop people at school finding out, just tell people you know you can trust


Hi there!!

Well,by far,you've done the hardest part,2 years ago,by allowing
yourself to know that you are gay. By allowing yourself this,and feeling
comfortable with it,you'll then be able to help others,whom you tell,
to be comfortable with it too.

About the people at school?? As "psycho*jadey" has said,just tell the people whom you know you can trust :D
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Postby ayeaii » Wed Aug 09, 2006 10:34 pm

Thank you! I hope one day in the not too distant future I'll be able to tell my friends.. I think I will do as phsycojadey says and sound them out by seeing their response to ...gay things i guess lol, if that makes sense!!!
I'm very sure I can trust them too.. especially if i tell them to keep it quiet :)

Right now i feel I can't ever tell my parents EVER.. but I know that's a little extreme, I will some day, I find it reassuring that I won't for many years though :D

thank you very much!
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Postby Moose » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:53 pm

You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. I would totally advise NOT to come out in school because some people aren't as helpful as they could be. If you go on to college, you might find the environment different, and you'll probably meet other gay guys there. For some reason, a lot of people seem to change during the summer between school and college, and people often grow up a bit.

I definitely agree with the others who say to test the water a bit with friends and family. Maybe make sure you've got Coronation Street on in the coming weeks (apparently Sean is tasked by Violet to find out if Jamie is gay so there's bound to be loads of gay references) and see if your parents start to throw up! Seriously, it is worth seeing their reaction. Yes, some people go through stages of thinking they're gay, but if you've known yourself for two years and you never fancy any girls, then chances are you ARE gay. I really really really wish I'd told my parents when I was 15 and I was going out with a girl from school in secret, because I've left it and left it and now I feel I'll never be able to tell them - or I WILL tell them, and when I do, they'll feel I've lied to them for years.

Good luck.
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Postby ayeaii » Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:06 pm

Thank you! I hope to go to college next year (though it depends on my GCSE results!!) either way though, I've left school, so it is good to hear that college is better like that :D

Ha ha, I think I will have to begin to follow coronation street then lol!!

Moose I'm so thankful to you that you have given me your hindsight that it can be hard if you leave it to long... I really hope though that you will be able to tell your parents some day and that they will be ok with it. I hope they also appreciate it was hard for you, so you didn't tell, not that you were being dishonest.
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Postby Moose » Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:12 pm

ayeaii wrote: I really hope though that you will be able to tell your parents some day and that they will be ok with it. I hope they also appreciate it was hard for you, so you didn't tell, not that you were being dishonest.
xxx


Thanks, I hope they see it like that too! The other thing I meant to say before but forgot was that, in my opinion, if you know you're gay, it doesn't matter how young you are when you tell your parents or whoever. It doesn't matter if they think you're just going through a phase: at least it'll be in their minds then, so when you start bringing blokes home to meet them, it won't be an enormous shock! Over time, they'll see that it wasn't just a phase. And if it is a phase, then that's okay too. At least they'll know what you're going through.
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Postby ayeaii » Thu Aug 10, 2006 7:06 pm

I'm happy to see your reply because I was looking forward to seeing your post count reach precisely 1000 :D well done that is some achievement I think!!
Cheers for the advice! I think I will tell my sisters before I tell my parents and brothers.. scary but less so I think, knowing what they are like!!
thank you!
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Postby ayeaiii » Tue Sep 12, 2006 11:03 am

Guess what! :D I told my best friend!!!!

Because here was my thoughts- we are starting college now, and college is different to school because you are not required to be there, and you do the subject you want, that is directed toward the career you want. So college is where you become you adult self, almost, and in that period make the transition to that.
And sexuality is part of your adult self, as it dictates your relationships of that kind. So, to come out, if you feel you can,is also a process of becoming your adult self. And in my head, it almost come to symbolise growing up.
She is my best friend, so I want her to know me properly. How wrong it would feel to go to college and become the man of me rather than the boy, and not tell her this, as in my head, it is like it symbolises my growing up. I know really, of course, there is nothing at all disloyal or immature about not being ready to come out. But, still I feel I have to tell, or I have no right to be myself at college. How can I be myself if I cannot to my best friend?
SO.. I told her. And I told her all these things I have said above. Partly so she understands why I tell her now of all times, and partly to buy some time!!!!

Anyway, I was nervous! But not AT ALL because I thought she would have a bad reaction. Never, she is wonderful, I know she would be very fine about it! But I am nervous, because from there there is no going back! I cannot un-come out, and certianly I can't deny it to myself. So it was daunting!
But I told her, and of course she was really great about it! :D And she hugged me for ages and said all shall be OK! Very good!!

So very emotionally draining, but very nice and worth it, I think!!!

xxxx
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Postby ~Topaz~ » Wed Sep 13, 2006 2:34 pm

Well done. It's great to have one person you can share your secret with. :)
I wouldn't "Come out" too publically if I was you yet. I'd wait until you've left home to tell your parents for instance, and I wouldn't give people at school any more ammunition than you need too so if they've guessed...let them. Don't confirm it.
There are some complete plonkers about and you're stuck with them for a while so wait until you can choose your company.
Your parents will probably gradually realise that you might be gay and I think that's a better way to do it...rather than sit them down and confront them.
When you're a little older you can tell them, and if they ask outright before that day I suppose you shouldn't lie.
Just let them gradually aclimatise to the idea.
Take care of yourself
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Postby ayeaiii » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:59 pm

Thank you ~Topaz~.. don't worry, I will be very very s-l-o-o-o-o-o-o-w!! I think it will take me many many years, but I just love not to be completely alone with it LOL!
xxx
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Postby Pwif » Wed Sep 13, 2006 4:56 pm

Hi Ayeaiii,
I can't add much more to the posts above, but totally agree with them. I would just say that you appear to be a very kind, caring, sensitive young man, and it really doesn't matter whether you're 'gay' or 'straight'. It's who you are and how you behave that counts. However, you are still relatively young, and probably still have a lot of sorting out to do in your own mind about who you are. I wouldn't want you to feel pressurised to tell everyone something that is totally personal to yourself. You have plenty of time for this. At least you're able to confide in one person, your best friend, and people on PP will also help you as much as you need. Your parents and true friends love you for who you are, and I don't believe their views will change if you confide in them that you are gay. But do it in your own time. Good luck.
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Postby ayeaiii » Wed Sep 13, 2006 7:49 pm

pwyfyb wrote: it really doesn't matter whether you're 'gay' or 'straight'. It's who you are and how you behave that counts. .


So very true, wise words you speak! And THANK YOU!! So sweet- I am touched *kissheart*
xxx
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Postby netballluva » Wed Sep 13, 2006 8:55 pm

what pwyfyb said is definatelt true :D oh and well done on telling your best friend! xx
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Postby Heavenly_Hailey » Wed Sep 13, 2006 10:20 pm

I have a very good gay friend and he is lovely and never sort of officially came out to any of us but we sort of just guessed over time and accepted him for who he was. He now has a lovely boyfriend and luckily for him he experienced little problems while at school, i think this was because we were in the sixth form then and people were a little more mature.

His family were a little difficult though. he couldn't ge ton with this step-dad and consequently didnt tell him. a couple of months ago he decided to tell his mum and she was ok with it, he wanted to tell the rest of his family but she did. this caused huge problems for him as it was his 'thing' to tell. he wasnt living at home at this point due to other family problems but has eventaully sorted things out.

I just want to say i think its important to be yourself and people will learn to accept you for who you are, a lovely, caring person!! :D
Love Hailey
xx
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