Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

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Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Postby David020549 » Wed Oct 04, 2017 7:16 am

I'm sorry to say it but this relationship should have finished a year ago, withholding sex will have the affect of making a man more uncertain of commitment, he is thinking sulky girlfriend equals sulky wife. Since time began women have been using sex to control men and get what they want, most are not " femme fatales", it is usually very subtle, if want to marry him be a sexy as you can. You have to be positive that you are deliberately trying to influence him that will be a turn on for you, once you see it as a chore it will turn you off.

My youngest daughter had lived with her boyfriend for 4 years at your age and he steadfastly refused to marry her, eventually after 7 years he did tie the knot but she was 6 months gone with their second child by then. She got her man and she certainly did not do it by cold shouldering him, now they have 4 kids. Having children before getting married is not at all uncommon

As women have become more independant, men have become much more resistant to commitment and typically marry much later, we don't have a body clock and there is always another crop of younger women to choose from. Also, the divorce rules favour women, if a man has property a divorcing wife will get a share of that even after a short marriage, a pre nup quite often gets overruled in court so men are very wary. The Mills/McCartney saga is an extreme example, after a couple of years she got tens of millions, nice work if you can get it.
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Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Postby Tarantula » Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:53 am

Hi Joanne, a quick note just to throw it out there, as we seem to have a lot in common about things:

what about if you move to a more cosmopolitan place nearby?

Me and my man have just decided to move to a small city near where we are now, as opposed to being in the middle of nowhere. It's not London, but it is a city, it's beautiful, and there are things going on there. I won't feel so isolated there.

Just an idea.
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Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Postby joannelouise » Fri Oct 06, 2017 1:40 pm

Hi Tarantula,

In reply to your last message, of course I'd be happy to go for a coffee sometime in London! I might be there later this month, i'll let you know. When are you next in London?

Well the problem is we moved to a village further out (around 40 minutes from the center of Montpellier) because he is building two houses there. Well his builders are.. he bought the land and is doing the property development, ,then selling both houses. So it's all a big investment for him (a big investment ) so obviously I can't say anything. I've made it clear that I'm not happy where we live and it really annoys him because he says it's a huge investment and also means that I have a beautiful house to live in...

We live in one of the new houses at the moment, but as soon as it sells in the next few months we will move to somewhere else short-term while the second house is built. Then when the second house is built (which is in the same village we live in now) we will then move AGAIN into that one. He will then sell that one and we'll move a final time to buy a house.. which he said he then wants us to buy together.

To be honest, I'm exhausted from all of the moving house but I understand why we are doing it and of course I can't say anything because it's important for his business. I just can't think of anything worse, already being an expat, than moving around constantly. I also feel like its solely for his benefit as it's not like we're married, so this investment is all for him at the end of the day.

That's why sometimes I think its best to just go back to London and live for myself.. but I do understand why he's done this. But I also feel horror at going back to the UK after it's just so beautiful here.. and the climate, its 25 degrees here in October in Montpellier!!! How do you feel when you go back to London??

I guess I'm lucky because I travel back to London every month for work and all my friends tell me how lucky I am to have the best of both worlds.. but because of the whole marriage thing, I feel like my heart isn't really fully settling in one place. I'm just stuck between the two not really going anywhere??
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Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Postby joannelouise » Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:31 pm

So I have an update..

Last night he said that he has thought about everything and that he wants children with me.. so he would get married in the next couple of years so that we can have a family together (because I have explained that I would want marriage before children).

We talked it all over and we know we love each other a lot and we want to work things out.. but I just still feel so unsure! I don't know if I want to live in the south of France for the next 10 years (because by then his daughter will be 18 so he can't go anywhere until then). How do I know that? I'm 25 and would like the option to move.

This job in London is a huge step for me, but I don't want to make the wrong choice and take this job when he's gone a long way to meet me half way here regarding marriage and our future. He wants a family with me and a house with me. Who am I to turn around and end it with him ? How can I do that?

I don't want to be 30 and look back with no boyfriend and no husband thinking.. what have I done? I just feel so lost and drifting from my friends and family back in the UK. It can be so lonely here as much as I try to make effort and make new friends by joining sports teams, etc here in France. But I find it SO much harder to meet other female friends here than I would back in England.

I want my social life back and to enjoy my twenties. But I know I'd feel sick not being with him
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Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Postby snail » Sun Oct 15, 2017 2:29 pm

It is a really difficult decision; I've been thinking about your post since you wrote it, and I still don't really know what to advise (and others seem to feel the same).

A few things that occurred to me - it's not good that he gets annoyed at your frustration about moving house all the time and living in the country. You're right, it is SOLELY for his benefit, at least at the moment, as is living near his daughter by someone else, and you are dancing to his tune in a way that makes life harder for you. He should be able to allow that you're making sacrifices for him and at least not get annoyed that you're unhappy about it - his response is selfish and thoughtless.

You say you can't go anywhere for ten years, because of his daughter. By then you will have children of your own, so that will restrict you, although not as much of course.

There is always an element of the grass being greener when you're in a long term relationship - remember any new boyfriend will also come with some kind of ties and baggage, just different ties and baggage. Maybe the next one would be the reverse, and won't leave England because he won't leave the family he has here.

Conversely, there's always the element of "I can't imagine my life without him" in any long term relationship. Of course you can't, he's such a large and essential part of it. That, in itself, doesn't mean the relationship is right or even that you love him.

It just comes down to what you most want for your life. Is there any chance of a trial separation, i.e. you take this job for a six-month trial period?
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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