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Need help with a question urgent please

Postby Lost at sea » Tue Jun 05, 2018 1:35 pm

Hi guys i am new here and would love some advice.

Me my girlfriend and her 10 year old little boy moved to my mothers house to save up money to move over to spain we was all going over including my mother, now on a couple of occasions we have argued like most couples but sometimes about her son and his behavior at school or not being tidy at home which is normal, now we all had a very loving relationship she was my best friend and visa versa, now a couple of times we have had a couple of drinks out and i have been a bit of a fool and caused stupid arguments, which i wish i had stopped doing as beer must change me, it happened 2 days ago and the next day my girlfriend walked out with her son and went to her mums house 2 hours away, i tried my best to hold my hands up apologise and said i would not touch a beer again which i meant 100%. She then said i have gave you enough chances and went, i was wrong i addmit everything for being daft and promised to change my ways, she text me back to say she hates me and thank you for making me and my son homeless, i am filled with enough guilt of losing my best friend and even worse as she is saying i have made her homeless but i told her she always has here to come back to and everyone here loves her, should i text her back or will i cause more harm. I must stress there is no alcaholism i had a drink maybe once every 3 weeks. Sorry for the rambling and grammer i am just looking for a bit of help
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby David020549 » Tue Jun 05, 2018 6:17 pm

I don't think you can do any harm by trying hard to get her back but I have a feeling she decided the relationship was over and the latest row was the final straw. I wouldn't take notice of her saying you made her homeless - she walked out , that's just to make you feel guilty.
Was she looking forward to moving to Spain with mother in tow?. I guess her son was not yours so no ties there, so probably she just decided it was time to move on.
Sorry.
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby boulding » Wed Jun 06, 2018 12:49 pm

Hi

This must be devastating for you as only a short while ago you were planning an exciting new life in Spain for the family. So what went wrong? More data please. There is a massive disconnect between what you are saying (a few stupid arguments as a result of a couple of drinks) and what she is saying (that you had plenty of chances and now she hates you.) If you want to retrieve this situation it's going to take more than profuse apologies and blaming the beer. Beer might have loosened your tongue but whatever was in your head was there already.

What on earth was there to argue about that could lead to this? What exactly was the plan for Spain? Where would you live and how would you all support yourselves. What relationship do you have with her son? Does he look on you as his Dad or is he still getting used to you? If it's the latter you should have cut him some slack over untidiness. He's probably just a messy ten year old. If there's a problem at school then it's the school's problem and his mother should discuss it with the teacher. All you need to do is be sympathetic and supportive. Why would it cause arguments between you?

I just can't see that your girl friend would uproot herself and her son to move 2 hours away and in her words make herself homeless for no real reason. Also it seems your poor mother must have a view on this as her plans have been disrupted. Please think carefully about what has happened and post a bit more information.
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby reckoner » Wed Jun 06, 2018 7:21 pm

boulding wrote:There is a massive disconnect between what you are saying (a few stupid arguments as a result of a couple of drinks) and what she is saying (that you had plenty of chances and now she hates you.)


Perhaps this disconnect is because you are the kind of person who changes character when you've been drinking alcohol. Alcohol affects people differently and the change can be very dramatic. You don't have to be an alcoholic for it to bring out a side in you that is unpleasant and unpredictable.

You call your behaviour when drinking "daft", that it makes you "a bit of a fool" and that it causes "stupid arguments", but it sounds like your girlfriend finds it more serious than that - too serious to move to another country with you, with a smaller network around her to provide support to her and her son if things go wrong with you.

Perhaps that is part of the problem - that she doesn't feel you understand how the alcohol affects you, and that she thinks it's much worse than "daft". Perhaps alcohol makes you aggressive or nasty to her?

When you drink, can you easily stop after two or three? Do you ever have trouble remembering what happened when you've been drinking?
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby Lost at sea » Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:18 am

Guys you are totally rite beer changed me, i was never violent or anything but your rite i never read the warning signs at all, because we was best mates as well i let myself go to much when having a drink and was a fool to think it could carry on, all your points are valid. And with support i did everything with her little lad, went in to school with his mum, tried setting him little life skills, took him to school picked him up did tea all the things a dad should do, sometimes i did get stressed out, one thing she said when she left was she felt sufforcated and i do not even want to go to spain i like england etc etc, i deserve everything i have got, i am not a bad person and was always there for them, i just wish i would of read the signs and got my act together, i am filled with guilt at the thought i have lost them and also the fact i have caused them to be homeless, she was the only person i have ever loved, just wish i could turn back the clock.

Sorry i forgot to mention something massive, we lost a baby back in december which was deverstating, a month after that we got the chance to go to spain where i had a job lined up etc, so we moved to my mothers to stock pile our money, another thing she said is all i wanted was the baby and a little house in england, obviously what i did was the turning point to her leaving but does it sound like moving away was something she never really wanted. Dont get me wrong she was excited about buying all new clothes to go being by the sea having a pool etc, it was also not pressured by me to go she said it would be a fresh start for her son as he hated school etc never went out apart from us no close friends etc.
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby boulding » Thu Jun 07, 2018 3:28 pm

Hi
This is really sad. You sound like a lovely dad and I'm sure that little boy really misses you.

You identify alcohol as the problem and if it really does have this extreme effect on your personality and behaviour then that does need to mean not one drink ever again. Are you sure you can do this without help?

It's understandable that if your girlfriend felt insecure after a loss she wouldn't want to move elsewhere so maybe the Spain idea has to be put on the backburner.

It's still not completely clear why she says she hates you and why she moved out. Did you get abusive whilst drunk and say hurtful things or was it just drunken bickering that wore her down?

Don't give up. Ask to meet her in a neutral venue to talk things through as friends and then really listen to what she says. Tell her that you would like to work things out but if that's not possible then you would like to part as friends and that way she won't feel pressurised.

Good Luck
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby reckoner » Thu Jun 07, 2018 11:01 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss, lost at sea. How awful for you both.

I found what you said about how all she wanted was a baby and a little house in England really poignant. The experience of losing your baby is clearly very fresh for her (as well as you, of course). I'm sure it's something you never get over, but it's still much less than a year ago. I think it must have contributed to her strength of feeling about what happened the night before she left. Her disappointment in you might also be an expression of the loss she is still feeling - as well as losing the baby, she also lost her dream.

Though you both lost the baby, my experience of being pregnant and how I felt when I had a scare and rushed to the hospital one night when I couldn't feel any movement, and my relief when things were OK, makes me think of the particular loss the woman must feel as the carrier of the baby. It's brutally physical as well as emotional. Perhaps your drinking heightened a sense of loneliness for her as a result of the loss.

Yes, I agree that the Spain plan was perhaps too big a decision to make, too soon after such a heartbreaking event. She may have been looking on the bright side, or trying to be positive about it, for your sake. I know from my own experience that when things are going well with a partner, you think you can take anything on with them. Therefore, when things don't go well with them, confidence can be rocked, and any big plans suddenly seem fraught with danger and fear. So when you drank and behaved in a way that she knew you would, it perhaps caused a total breakdown in her confidence in you.

With regard to drinking, I think self-awareness and knowing what your limits are can be a big help in controlling yourself. For example, I (now) know I can drink two ales, but only one lager. But in this case, I think your girlfriend's tolerances are more important than your own if you wish to reconcile with her.

Perhaps if you can send her a letter or email explaining everything you've said here, that she can read and process in her own time, showing her how serious you are in not causing her to feel this disappointment again, you can interest her in meeting up to fully understand all of her complaints and create a plan to deal with them - for example her feeling of suffocation. But I think you need to understand things completely from her side to do it and make whatever sacrifices are required. So you'll need to be honest with her and with yourself about what she needs from you and what you can promise and deliver.

From what you've said here, I very much hope you can salvage things with her.

All the best.
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby David020549 » Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:46 am

I did think in my first reply that it was Spain that was the real issue and alcohol was the final straw, add to that loosing a baby and it's no wonder she was uncertain. It was probably going round and round in her head, the only way she could end it was to leave completely, moving overseas is not an easy option, the grass always seems greener but the reality often does not meet the dream.
For instance you say her son did not get on well at school, did you really think that it would be easier in Spain with all the language and cultural differences, the job you arranged may have seemed great, would it really have been different from a UK job, Spain is a depressed country.
I do hope you write the letter as suggested and try to get her back but do bear in mind that the one thing that women want is security, certainty for themselves and their children, you are I'm sure I good guy with the best intentions, adventure is for the young without ties unless they are absolutely committed.

Good luck for the future
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby Lost at sea » Wed Jun 20, 2018 3:34 pm

Sorry its been a while guys, i took the rest of her stuff last week for her and i thought we would be saying oir goodbye for ever, last minute i suggested we go out for some lunch to talk about the issues that caused this which was me of course but i knew deep down this had not just come as a result of the final argument, she agreed to this which i was suprised at, then her son come running out and gave me a big hug which was heart breaking for me but i kept it together, she then text me 2 days ago to say she does not want to come as she is still a bit angry and upset and it is to raw for her but she said her son would still love to come witj me for dinner to which i said of course i will always be there for him, i am not his dad by blood but i have done everything for him for over 5 years, the last 2 days i have give them both a lift to school and work and she puts a kiss on the texts she sends but she also says stuff like i just want you to be happy and settled and i wanted you to be something your not etc etc, also i saw a post from one of her friends today that they have both booked a holiday for october this year with the kids, i know i was an idiot for causing the argument but i am a good person and i am sitting here breaking down and lost while it seems she is totally fine, do you think i should stop any contact apart from where her son is concerned as i feel she has long gone, i am so confused.

Also just to add i have not touched any alcahol since that day.
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby David020549 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 7:42 pm

Glad to hear you have kicked the booze

If you are likely to be finding another serious girlfriend be very carefull, contact with your ex will make a new girlfriend very insecure, it really is best to close the book and move on, not forgotten just in the past.
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Re: Need help with a question urgent please

Postby Lost at sea » Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:10 am

Yeah i know what your saying, i am still totally in love but sounds like she has just moved on very fast, i am in limbo as i have no idea weather to still go to spain which seems quite daunting and lonely without my ex or to stay in england and see if she comes back and fix things, my life is so up in the air at the minute.
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