boyfriend's family issues

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boyfriend's family issues

Postby saramidnite » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:39 am

hello

I am not sure where to begin. I have been with my bf 10yers almost.
I am happy. I would happily spend the rest of my life with him.
but he don't want kids. I have a low chance due to medical reasons. so it not bad thing as I've always had this fear id meelt some one and they dump me for some 1 who can give them kids.
my bf said if I want them he holding me back and to move on.
I felt my heart break as at the beginning he said I was the only girl he wanted to marry and have kids with.

we have had the kids chat and on and off he changed his mind. but this time it made up. no kids.

i decided I still wish to be with him despite it.
yes it hurts in big way. i hope time will help.
but my issue Is his family not accepting we won't have kids.
it really hurting me. I've mention he don't want kids as he won't tell them as I think he to scared to. which I did have go at him for. as it not fair.
but the family not getting the hint.
it not even his parents. it's his aunt. uncle and nephew's mum.

I'm not sure how I am ment to handle it. I'm fed up of smiling as it easier then to tell them again he don't want kids so stop asking me as you already know. stop telling me what. great dad he would be. I'm getting to the point I don't want to see them.

I feel I'm grieving and I need time to heal and they are not helping. i also have three family member pregant now to. so I have lot of mixed motions. but i am 100% i wish to b with my bf despite this.
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Re: boyfriend's family issues

Postby boulding » Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:00 pm

Hi Sara

This is horrible for you.

Your boyfriend has made a massive decision for both your futures without considering your feelings at all and now expects you to join him in deceiving his family. Well you don't have to. Normally interference from in-laws is a very bad idea but in this instance it might kick him into touch. As soon as possible talk to your mother in law and pour out the whole story telling her exactly how you feel. If he kicks off tell him you love him but you are not going to live a lie and deceive his family and if they don't know the truth they will go on unknowingly making hurtful remarks and this is not fair on you or them.

It seems he has been able to fob you off but he won't find it so easy with his mum. I dare say she's had experience of him as a selfish obstinate little boy. I think that once he forced to realise the unhappiness he is causing you he just might switch on his thinking brain.

Good Luck and don't wimp out.
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Re: boyfriend's family issues

Postby reckoner » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:44 am

My view is very different to boulding's. I think the choice about whether or not to have children is as personal as it gets. To agree to have children if it's not what the person really wants is, I think, potentially disastrous. I think it would be entirely the wrong thing to do to agree to have children just because the partner wants them. Having children is the biggest event that can ever happen in your life - the definition of life changing, and there is no going back. You have to really want them.

saramidnite wrote:my bf said if I want them he holding me back and to move on.

It seems to me that Sara's partner has been as honest and responsible to Sara about his true feelings as he can be.

saramidnite wrote:i decided I still wish to be with him despite it.

It seems to me that Sara's decision to stay with her boyfriend is based on a good and honest understanding between them.

She has also said that this is not her issue, that the issue is with the response from her boyfriend's "aunt. uncle and nephew's mum". I don't think it's any of their business, so I have a lot of sympathy with Sara's boyfriend for not wanting to be honest with them about his feelings. That their response is causing tension and anxiety for Sara seems to me to prove his point.

It's an issue about which people have very strong feelings. If you include people in the discussion, they will probably give very strong views. It's one thing to offer advice, but completely another to force those views. The decision should only be between the couple who would have those children. So I think the best response is along the lines of:

"We know you love us and that you only want what's best for us, but this is a private matter between us, and there are also health issues to consider, so please can we not discuss it further."

As we are talking about the boyfriend's family, I think whatever request is made to ask them to leave the issue alone needs to come from him.

Sara, it seems that having children is far from a certainty in your case. In fact, it never is a certainty, and miscarriages are a real possibility even for people without health problems. They are incredibly traumatic, both emotionally and physically. It also seems that you are very happy with your boyfriend, and that you have come to terms with the realities of the situation with regard to having children. I think these are the most important things. In comparison, the views of your partner's extended family are relatively unimportant. So, if it's true that this is the biggest problem and you are absolutely confident in your decision to stay with your partner even if he doesn't want kids, I hope you are able to prioritise your happiness with him over his family's opinions.
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Re: boyfriend's family issues

Postby saramidnite » Sun Jul 15, 2018 5:34 pm

thank you for your replies. I am coming to terms with not being a mum. my bf changed him mind a few times over the years so to me it is misleading. but I have forgiven him. I will in time hopefully be able to feel more comfortable talking to his family about it. I have told my mum and Nan who took it well. I have told his mum as he won't. I am hoping not to see his other extended family for awhile as the questioning is to much but I will take your advice and try and politely tell to not discuss that topic as it personal. I do agree thou that if my bf don't want kids then I would never ask or make to. that would be wrong. one of my parents never wanted kids and I suffered as a result. I would never put a child threw that.
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Re: boyfriend's family issues

Postby boulding » Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:34 am

Hi sara

I think you are wise to take reckoner's very sensible, measured advice but don't completely give up on your dreams. People can change their minds and things can change.

Be happy.
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Re: boyfriend's family issues

Postby reckoner » Tue Jul 17, 2018 1:22 pm

Sara, I can only imagine how awful it must feel for you to come to terms with not being a mother. But I also think this is a very important part of making your decision to stay with your partner. By going through this pain, you'll be able to trust that you've made the right decision. You know you are not taking an easy way out.

In the same way, if the pain of this decision is too much to bear, it may be a sign that you need to pursue having children after all, as boulding has suggested, even if it means finding someone who also wants them. Either way, this grief you are feeling is a vitally important part of making the right decision.

I can understand how upset and disappointed you must have felt by your boyfriend's final decision, and how you might have felt misled by his changes of heart. But if he were deliberately misleading you, I don't think he would have given you this final decision - it would have been easier to just keep misleading you. I also think it's natural for people to find it difficult to make such a big decision, and men don't have to worry about getting old to the same degree as women when it comes to having kids. As you have medical issues, maybe he didn't think he'd actually have to make the decision at all - that the matter was decided for him. From what you've said, I don't think he has put you in this situation intentionally, and you're right to forgive him.

So if you stay with him and settle with the idea of never being a mother, please remember that your life can be just as happy, fulfilling and joyful as someone who does have children. Your life is just as valuable and important. A very dear friend of mine, who is old enough to be my father, never had children and I think that's why he was always such a good friend and mentor to me. Parents tend to relate to other parents. People without kids often relate better to kids - they don't get annoying and parent-y with them.

You mentioned the family members who are pregnant at the moment. This must be very hard for you. But maybe you can be involved in those children's lives and be their favourite aunt, having lots of fun with them without all the incredibly hard work. It's perhaps too soon to think of things like that, but for now it seems to me that you are doing all the right things to make the right decision. Very best wishes.
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Re: boyfriend's family issues

Postby saramidnite » Fri Jul 20, 2018 11:42 am

thank you for replying
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