I'm jealous of my boyfriend's "friend"

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I'm jealous of my boyfriend's "friend"

Postby stellar » Thu May 01, 2003 12:49 pm

Hi
Argh! Well my problem is to do with my boyfriend and one of his female friends. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months and it has been absolutely amazing, we get on so well and I'm really happy only I wish he didn't go to uni so far away from me.
Anyway when he came home for easter he met up with one of his friends, a girl, in the pub one friday night, I was there too and I don't mind him having friends who are girls because it's not like I'm particularly threatened by them. However, ever since this she has been texting him every day. She went to his house one night when he was supposed to be coming over to mine, and he lied and said he was doing uni work and that's why he wouldn't be able to make it until late. The only reason I found out was because I'm good friends with his brother, and he just happened to mention that this girl was there, he didn't see any reason why his brother should lie about this girl being there. I rang him to find out what was going on but he sounded normal and she even dropped him off at my house so she knows that I exist.
I let him off for that but I warned him to not lie to me because it just makes it all more suspicious and it makes me trust him less.
I went back to uni with him last weekend and it was all going well until monday night, we were in the pub and having a good laugh until he went to the bar. He came back and got a text message - from this girl. It read "Ever since we met last week I can't stop thinking about you. XXX". I asked him why she would send that and he said "why don't you ring her and ask her?" I noticed he'd already called her that night and spent 10 minutes on the phone to her, whilst he was at the bar (it was in his dialled numbers records). He didn't text her back and told me that he loved me, she was just a friend having problems with her boyfriend. He did admit that she wanted him to be with her instead of me, but assured me that he only wants me.
I'm so upset, we argued about it the night I was coming home and he told me that he loves me more than anything and if he had to choose between friendship with this girl or being with me he'd choose me, but he keeps lying about phoning and texting her. If he just told me the truth then I wouldn't be bothered at all. I asked him how he'd feel if it was reversed and one of my boy -- friends was texting me and saying stuff like this and he agreed it would stress him out.
My bloke friends say he is trying to protect me from being upset but I think being lied to is so much worse. He is breaking my trust. I don't want to get stressed at him because I know I'm just playing into her hands. I don't want to break up with him, he hasn't really spoken to this girl since they were at school together, and this is just a recent problem. I want to trust him when he says he loves me and me only but I find it hard to stop worrying about this girl. I know it's sort of sweet that he cares about people so much but I'm going spare at the thought of losing him to her.
Has anyone got any input on this? I would be so, so grateful for any advice to stop me from losing my mind, and the most amazing guy in the world.
Stellar xx

P.S. Sorry for the length, it would have been difficult to cut it down and have it still make sense!
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Postby stellar » Fri May 02, 2003 1:18 pm

No one?
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Postby Cazza » Fri May 02, 2003 1:49 pm

OK, I can honestly say this is the exact situation i was in about 9months ago only i was the one with teh friend. I can only tell you from my experience what I think. At the time I had just starting meeting up with my friend Ryan who I hadnt talked to for a while since work and things like that. I would meet him and tell my boyfriend I was somewheer else, I thought i was doing this because I didnt want him getting jealous or annoyed. My bf found out about alot of my lies and I promised him I wouldnt lie again, but I did. It turned out I really liked Ryan, and I ended up cheating on my bf with him! I felt awful because we were good friends and I loved my bf. I told my bf and we worked things out and we have been together ever since.

What I'm saying is I love my bf 100% and would never do anything like that again but I DID. I reassured my bf, told him I loved him while meeting this other guy. Eevn tho I cheated on my bf the once and didnt see the guy after that it I still lied and sneeked about with him.

I would try and talk to this girl, your bf seems set on just reassuring you, telling you he loves you but still continues to lie. Tell him it isn't good enough and try and talk to this friend of his. Better knocking it on the head before anything does happen..

Good Luck
Love Carri-Ann x

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! - Homer Simpson
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Postby stellar » Fri May 02, 2003 6:25 pm

I appreciate your honesty Cazza. The thing is I don't think he does particularly "fancy" her or anything, I think he just feels as though he can't hurt her feelings, but on the other hand he is leading her on by doing this. I can't talk to him about it cos everytime we do it ends in an argument, he can't see why this bothers me so much, as if she's really insignificant and I shouldn't waste my time worrying about it.
Thanks for telling me to talk to the girl, I think this is the path of action I will take, do you think it's bad to phone her?
Thanks again!
Stellar xx
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I'm going out of my mind with jealousy!

Postby stellar » Tue Jun 17, 2003 8:45 pm

Hi guys sorry to bore you with the same old problem, but I'm going crazy. I can't trust my boyfriend anymore. Everytime he answers his phone I think he's talking to her.
My boyfriend constantly reassures me that he loves me and doesn't want anyone else but I don't believe him. I feel like the trust is gone, but I don't want to think the relationships over because I love him to the bottom of my soul and back but I don't want to feel like I'm being cheated on.
This girl he's been in contact with, she's not as pretty as me, but they were really good mates at school and I know love isn't just about looks.
I'm going crazy, can anyone suggest anything?
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Postby slayer111 » Wed Jun 18, 2003 9:09 am

First of all... take a breath. Breathe in.... breathe out. Breathe in.... breathe out. Calm down. Put some soothing music on.

Better? Then let's begin.

You have a problem. Not you specifically, but the relationship. This problem needs to be solved. Your boyfriend seems not to know how to act. He doesn't want to hurt you; but he can't ignore his old friend either.

What you need to do is all sit down together, and you explain to his friend, rationally, what the problem is. Let her understand that, while you understand she has problems, and that it must be exciting for her to have met up with one of her old friends, that some of what she's done or said is hurting your relationship... And so, hurting your boyfriend, her friend.

Explain to your boyfriend that the phones and texts aren't the problem, so much as him lying about them. Explain that the problem in the relationship now is one of trust, and that you need to feel you can trust him to be honest about these things.

Then, listen to their side. Be rational, not angry. The only way any of this wil work is if none of you gets on an offensive or defensive posture... everyone stay calm, and logical. If possible, have it at your house, with some calm music on in the background, with a cup of tea.

In all probablity, there's nothing going on between them. Lots of people put XXXs on the end of texts to friends, it's just text-etiquette.
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