I love him and he loves me but has he got too much baggage

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I love him and he loves me but has he got too much baggage

Postby Honey » Fri Jun 06, 2003 6:01 pm

My partner and I met just over 3 years ago and something amazing happened - we fell totally head over heels in love for the first time. It was like finding the person you'd been waiting for all your life. We were both very unhappily married - staying for the security and children! We tried to resist the affair for that reason but it was like fate and we were drawn together like magnets - we had found our soulmates. It was tough for a year doing the secret affair stuff - never dreamt I'd get caught up in something like that. It got harder and harder to be apart. Yes I know romantic slush but that's the way it was. It wasn't just one of those lust only affairs.

After a year I realised I couldn't keep up the pretence at home anymore and I hated lying to my husband - I didn't love him but I respected him. I told him and he moved out, the children were devastated. It was such an painful emotional time. My kids have been wonderful and understand why we broke up - my ex and I have given them loads of support. The two eldest have left home and I have a fantastic 13 year old at home.

My partners situation was very complicated. He went on holiday with his family just after we met and despite not having had sex for ages with his wife, she put constant pressure on him on holiday and they had sex - he said he hated it (I have to believe him!) anyway she got pregnant!! He was depressed for a while and tried to end our affair but he missed me too much. He never told me about the baby until a month before the baby was born. He said he was scared he'd lose me. His marriage was a nightmare. His wife despite holding down a job as a headteacher at primary school, is controlling, manipulating, obsessive and is extremely verbally abusive (sometimes coming out with nasty sexual things - she doesn't care what she says or who she says it in front of (including her children). He went through 14 years of her manic behaviour and it caused a 5 year rift in his family because of the awful things she said to his family. He had an affair with a women for 12 years of their marriage - it was what kept him going in the marriage. He stayed for the children and said he didn't love the women enough to leave his family for and ended it when she got too intense. He was going to stay with his wife until the baby was a bit older. She knew about the affair and how he felt about me and she agreed their marriage was a sham and that they should part.

However, things got very heated after the baby was born and rose to a crusendo one evening when she totally flipped and he left in a hurry and came to live with me and my daughter. What followed was a living nightmare. I am a quiet private person and yes at the end of the day I had committed adultry and deserved some trouble. But because of her mad moods it was awful. She would turn up in her car with the children at any time day or night and sit outside with her hand on the horn untill my partner went out, then there would be a load of screaming abuse and she didn't care who heard or that the children were witnessing it all. My daughter was so frightened. In the end because it progressed to banging and kicking my door in the early hours of the morning, she was sent a solicitors letter and it stopped. However, the abusive phone calls continued on the landline and my partner had to change his mobile number ( he can't even give his children a number to contact him on anymore because she gets hold of it and the abusive calls and texts start again). We sorted out call barring on the home phone, though she has managed to ring on lots of different numbers to catch us out and has left horrible abusive messages. She has sent letters raking over the past and saying awful things about me, our home and even my children (who she knows nothing about). She says she can't live without him one minute then abuses him and says she does't want anything to do with him the next. She uses the children to get at him. He adores his 4 children and is a great dad. They started visiting us at home and I got involved in the outings and it was great fun, his eldest daughter got on well with my youngest. But as soon as my partner didn't do what his wife wanted - like demanding he attend a function with her - she wouldn't let him see the children. She stopped him seeing the children last Christmas because he would'nt go to the house and see them there. He was so upset. He couldn't go to the house because despite her promising to stay out of the way to avoid her screaming abuse at him in front of the children, she couldn't stop herself.

Her constant outbursts about me in front of the children and hassle it caused them after visits stopped me getting involved with them. I stepped right back and said that the most important thing was that he saw them regularly and let him get on with it. They now say they don't want anything to do with me and won't even come to our house. This has caused alot of tension between my partner and I because he now sees them after school twice a week and one afternoon on the weekend. He has started spending time at their house with them again. Just after Christmas he started being distant and I couldn't understand why he had changed from being so loving and caring and attentive to being so cool with me. One teatime in March this year (2 years after living together) I found out why, because his wife came round and pushed her way into our house and physically attacked me - she called me a stupid witch and did I know that he was going to move back in with them. It was a particulary nasty vicious attack and it left me very shaken - I've just never been exposed to a person like this. He had to drag her off me and was totally shocked at her behaviour. It turned out that my partner had helped them move house and had painted the boys bedrooms and she had picked up on the fact that we were having problems at home and who knows what was said between them both - I know he was very low about the children and missed them so much. I had discussed this with him and told him to sort out what he wanted because it was hurting me so much. His wife took all the signs from him to mean that he did still love her and was thinking about moving back in with them. When she started to pester him about it he got uptight with her and backed off. They had a confrontation about it, and he said he loved me, I was worth a million of her and that he couldn't stand her and he had no intention of moving back with her. This was in the drive when he went to pick his children up and he ended up having the door slammed in his face and left without seeing his children. I was ignorant of all this but she took it all out on me! She was arrested and cautioned and warned not to come near me again. We had a load of abusive calls and texts after that until he changed his number again. She stopped him seeing the children for 6 weeks after that and he was so low again.

We started an application for an access order to ensure he got regular access to the children whatever her mood as well as an harrassment order. We had the paperwork over a month ago and he still hasn't signed his part and sent it off - he said he just hasn't got round to it. His divorce was held up by her and finally he started proceedings, delaying it himself at one point without telling me (he delayed he said because he was worried about the effect of the divorce on the children). The decree Nisi is almost through but he wouldn't give me an anwer when I asked him if he was going to apply for the absolute. Last year we talked about getting married on beach somewhere hot now he won't even discuss the month ahead never mind a wedding.

He left me two days before my birthday in April - he just walked out and I got home from work to find a letter from him. He said that being without his children was killing him and that he could't see a future for us because the children would never be a part of our life. By now we'd hoped that they woud be staying over and coming on holiday. His wife insists that he should take them on holiday without me and the pressure is on again this year to do this. He contacted me on my birthday and asked if it was too late to talk and we ended up going away for the weekend that was booked already for my birthday. He wouldn't leave me alone and said he loved me and that he'd missed me so much - he was stuck to me like glue! It was wonderful! He explained that he was very low about the children and didn't know how to deal with his emotions - missing them, the guilt of leaving them and not being able to see the grow up. He said he realised when he left me that we wern't the problem. I of course wanted him back but he was worried he might get into that same emotional state again and leave again. He thought it best that he stay at his parents whilst he tried to sort himself out. That was very had for me after being so close again. Anyway, he ended up coming home and climbing into bed with me at 2am that night - he said he couldn't even go the night without me!

He also lost his job in March and although he keeps very busy it is obviously getting him down, especially as he can't pay child maintenance now and he wants to provide for his children and me of course.

Since he came back, he has been seeing the children alot more (without me of course). I find it hard to be shut out of his life during this time especially when he goes to the house. I worry about her manipulating him again especially when he's so low - he says she goes out when he goes there. Tough it's not ideal, for the sake of his relationship with the children I cope with this. He has become distant again and I'm not sure when he's being nice to me whether he's doing it because he loves me or whether it's just for show. Our sex life, that is usually 'mind blowing' has become almost non-existent and he doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore again. He would normally let me know if he was going to be late home from say a visit with children but now he doesn't bother.

I have tried to give him more space and I have been so supportive about his lack of work and about the children but he is still on shutdown, though he says he still loves me.

I have confronted him about the way he is treating me and that it is really hurting me and stressing me out because I don't know where I stand. He said his heart isn't in it anymore and that he feels so negative due the problems with the children and his work situation. I have told him I need to feel loved and cared for and that I miss the sex! I told him I need to be reassured that he's not going to leave me and my daughter again. He just shuts down though and won't give me any answers one way or the other.

I asked him if I was wasting my time fighting to keep us together - he wouldn't answer that either. After all that we've been through I told him we are worth fighting for and that I will support him all I can but I can't keep giving and not get anything back.

He is normally such a wonderful, warm, caring, loving man and I miss that side of him so much.

I have a lovely little house, which I own - his wife took all the equity out of their house and has invested it while she rents. She wouldn't send in her financial details for the settlement and has walked away with everything. Don't get me wrong she needs every penny with 4 children to bring up. We have done so much to the house together and as far as I'm concerned it's our home but at the end of the day he finds it hard realising that he doesn't have a home he owns anymore and we can't afford to buy a bigger place together because of his financial situation. I have a good job and because of a new job I have just taken I will be earning enough to manage on if he leaves. I have great friends and although my family don't live nearby they are very supportive.

I really love him and I still believe he is the 'one' and I want us to work at it and spend the rest of our lives together. Being without him for just a short time when he left before was hell. I felt like I'd lost a huge part of me and my daughter who has got so close to him was so devastated to.

I got so angry last night because he wasn't responding to what I asked and told him if he didn't care about me anymore then I was going to start doing things without him. I said I needed to feel alive again! But that's what my head says - my heart doesn't want that though. We've always done everything together and have always loved spending time together. I was going to go out with my older daughter a few weeks ago for a drink in the evening and he got so funny about it that I cancelled it - he was worried about me getting chatted up by someone else!

It's a right long (sorry about that) complicated mess and I am going round in circles with it. Please tell me what you think I should do?

Butterfly
Honey
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Postby LL » Sun Jun 08, 2003 6:38 pm

its a long story that for sure
its probaly hard for u to listen to but u should try to move on with out him
something causeing so much pain is not healthy for u
it may hurt in the short run but it will get better for u in the long run
he is also in a very tough situation, it sopunds like he loves his children very much which is amendable
it would be very selfish to keep him away from his children
LL
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