I feel so stupid!

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I feel so stupid!

Postby angibear1980 » Mon Jun 09, 2003 12:41 pm

I have been with my boyfriend now for two and a half years. The trouble is that he does not want to commit to me and last night I brought up the subject of children as I am feeling quite a bit broody now.
He is 34 years old and I am 23, I want nothing more than to get married and have children but his reply to my statement about getting broody was, "I don't know what you want me to say?", not exactly the response that I was looking for and I do not think it is the response that someone who is serious about marriage and children would give either.
He says "I love you" to me all the time but to be honest I don't think he knows what it means.
I seem to be his first proper girlfriend even though he is 34 and since I was 17 I have had two other long-term relationships so I know how I feel about this man.
What should I do? Should I dump him and start over with someone who wants to be married to me and have children with me or should I stick it out? I love this man so much and we have spilt up before when I started talking about commitment but got back together as he said "That he would not let me down".
I feel so stupid that I have laid my feelings out on the table yet he just acts like nothing has happened and that the conservation did not occur and changes the subject.
Please can someone give me some advice, I feel lost and very stupid.

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Postby Lorelei » Mon Jun 09, 2003 11:35 pm

The fact that you want to settle down and have a family is NOTHING TO FEEL STUPID OR EMBARRASSED ABOUT!!! Most women want the exact same thing and he knows that you are one of them. The fact that you broke up before due to this 'commitment' issue proves that he is aware of what you want. HE promised not to let you down, so HE'S the one who should feel bad now, because he has let you down again. You haven't changed and he shouldn't expect you to. However, this brings me to the downside: Can you really expect HIM to change? He's 34 and still has no interest in marriage and kids. What does that tell you? Miracles do happen, but he seems a bit old to change his spots. If you're staying with him because you fear starting off all over again with somebody else, then you should get out now. I'm the same age as you and I just ended a long relationship because I just knew we were too incompatible to spend our futures together. I am different from you because I'm not hugely maternal but I do feel that I have LOADS of time to meet my life partner and so do you. You have SO much time left to have millions of relationships and kids and whatever you want! If you're staying with him because you really love him and he's the one for you, then prepare yourself for an uncertain and childless future. Chances are, if you did get pregnant by him, he would resent you and your child and you would not have a happy home. I think what you really have to decide is: What do you want more, him or a family? And whatever you decide, in the meantime PLEASE stop feeling bad for being yourself and admitting to him that you'd like kids. He's old enough to be able to deal with a conversation like that without pretending it didn't happen or refusing to comment fully. Don't let him make you feel as if you've done anything wrong. If he was 18, I'd say 'What do you expect?' but under the circumstances, tell him he needs to be straight with you and if he is, maybe you'll be able to make a more fully informed decision. Good luck!xxx
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Postby Llisa » Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:44 pm

Hey hun,
I feel for you, and understand where you're coming from. Guys have a hard time with commitment, that's no doubt. Lorelei pretty much said everything I would have, I agree with her 100%. But you know what to do? He says he loves you right? Well, if he truly loves you, he isn't going to let you slip away. You give him a time line. Tell him that if he doesn't ocmmit to you 100% by such and such a date...then you're history. He more then likely knows how much marriage and children mean to you, and if he won't bend and meet you half way...then maybe he wasn't such a perfect guy for you after all. I hope it all works out for you, and I wish you the best.
Will be praying for you
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