Have I ruined my chance?

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Have I ruined my chance?

Postby slayer111 » Wed Jun 18, 2003 8:38 am

This is going to be quite a long one, so apologies in advance...

About a year ago, I met this woman (S). Attractive, funny, intelligent, one of the few people I can talk with on my own level. I've fancied her for ages... something which I admitted to her a couple months ago... and we're really good friends. But with all that we've been through, I'd given up on ever having a chance with her; she never made any indication she ever felt anything more for me that strong friendship, so I moved on.

We'd been out of touch for a while, and met up again about a month ago, so she invited me to a barbeque she had, stay over, where I got introduced to her best friend (C). We got on pretty great... she was funny and cute, and she seemed to like me too. I went over again later in the week for another stay-over barbeque.

Long story short, C wound up coming down to mine for a weekend, I went to kiss her, and it turned into something more... I hadn't meant for more than a kiss, but she made it quite clear that she did. We decided neither of us really wanted relationships, so we'd stay as friends who sleep together.

The problem is that, the other day, S admitted to me that she fancies me too, and that she was jealous of C because of what happened. I'd wanted to hear that for so long... I decided to dissolve the agreement (For lack of a better term) between myself and C. There was no way I'd be able to sleep with her again, knowing it was the barrier between me and S... But I didn't want to hurt her either.

But the problem is that there have been some situations between S and C before, along similar lines, where C has lost someone to S, or vice versa. They've always gotten through it before, but I know it'd be a huge blow to C's self esteem if, once again, she was to have someone she was with, even if just in a sexual capacity, break things up to be with S.

I decided to talk my decision over with S first, to decide how to go about it, but then C contacted me first, and said she wanted to come down again this weekend. I decided I had to be honest with her... Otherwise, she might come down thinking she was going to get something she wouldn't, and that wouldn't be fair... And it'd be better to break it off now, rather than if I found someone. I still wanted her to come down, because we are friends, just not that way.

I should state now, I knew it wasn't iron-cast that S would want to go out with me; but I realised that, although having a sleeping partner when you're single is fun and all, it does tend to mean you stay single for longer; and that I'd lied when I told her I didn't want a relationship. My friends confession had made me realise I did. I wanted to stop it to prevent hurting her before it became a regular thing, while we'd only slept together once.

At first, she seemed to take it OK, and said she'd been having second thoughts herself... but then, she started saying that it didn't matter, and that she didn't want to come down that weekend after all, and then just went offline.

I texted her, saying I'd never meant to hurt her and asking for forgiveness, and I texted S telling her I thought I'd upset C, and that I screwed up, and sat down to wait...

As of now, the morning after what happened, they haven't contacted me back. I'm not so worried about a possible relationship between me and my friend, but If I've come between these two best friends, or if I lose them as friends, I can't forgive myself... I'm half tempted to just contact S, tell her I'm really sorry for coming between them and messing things up, and letting her know I won't contact her again, and thank her for being a great friend to me.

What should I do?
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Postby Lorelei » Wed Jun 18, 2003 8:10 pm

Ouch! I see your predicament. Well, I don't think you've done anything wrong. S misled you, saying that she only wanted to be friends. Maybe she changed her mind because she saw you moving on and was jealous? Also, if she wanted you and C to be happy in your 'arrangement', she would not have told you she likes you. Now, S has got what she wanted, you're willing to get involved with her and after what she said, she should have the decency to contact you. C might be upset, but if she really wanted a relationship, she wouldn't have put up with the casual situation between you. You've probably hurt her ego, which is never nice and I have every sympathy for her, but I'm sure she'll be fine. Considering the amount of similar situatons that S and C have had, it's pretty clear how strong their friendship is. Why should this time be any different, and if it is, it's not your fault. Please stop beating yourself up and DON'T offer to stop contacting S!!! You really like her, you might have a chance, go for it! If it doesn't work out then you'll know it probably never will and you can move on with a stronger sense of closure and try to find the PROPER relationship that you know you want deep down! Good luck, you never cheated on anybody, you never went out to hurt anybody either, you sound like a pretty decent person and please remember that!xxx
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Postby slayer111 » Wed Jun 18, 2003 9:54 pm

Thanks for the advice, and the kind words :)

I called S today at dinner to ask how things were, and she said everything was fine, and that C wasn't angry at anyone.

When I came home and tried to talk to C online, it turned out that things most definatley WEREN'T fine.

I grovelled for ages, and eventually she said she forgived me, but in a pretty aggressive manner, before signing off... which didn't really help matters.

Later on, S was online, and we started talking... I did tell her I would stop contacting them for a while, to let the dust clear, but she convinced me not to, because she said there was no bad feeling toward me from her. We wound up chatting for over an hour, and she cheered me up lots... she always does when we talk. :)

So, long story short, S is fine with me, C *isn't*, but probably needs time to move on. I'm going to play it cool for the moment, I think... But at least I know S still likes me!
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