should we call it a day?

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should we call it a day?

Postby lovefool » Thu Jun 26, 2003 7:19 pm

i have no idea what to do about my boyfriend.I love him and couldnt picture being with anyone else but im not sure he feels the same way.he often thinks about other girls and has already told me if we broke up he could easily date someone else.i just dont think the same way as him .All i know is hes the only one i want right now . i dont even look at anyone else anymore.im the first person hes ever slept with whereas ive slept with at least one other person .I know (from him) that he often gets curious about sleeping with other girls that he finds attractive.He seems to prefer being single rather than in a relationship and its hurting me . To me hes the only guy i want but im not sure that this relationship is really heading anywere.Hes completely faithfull 2 me but eventually i think well break up because he needs more freedom . Sometimes he says he wants us 2 be together for a long time and other times (more recently) he seems to be thinking more about being with someone else.i dont want to dump him but i dont want to hang onto a relationship if its totally one sided.i dont think i could ever date anyone else . ive had relationships in the past and never felt like that but with him its differant.Sometimes he finds hanging out with me boring and sex is becoming routine.He says he wants it to go back to being the way it was when we 1st got together but i dont think it ever could be.i often feel like the consolation prize seeing as some of the girls he really liked in the past turned him down and if they hadnt hed probably be with them .He still thinks a lot of all of them and in the past hes pulled one of my friends(b4 he was wiv me) (had a huge crush on her)and if shes ever brought up he talks about how great she is and how pretty.Every other girl hes been with hes been completely obcessive about them but its differant with me.I dont feel very special to him . i feel replaceable.i couldnt stand to think of him with anyone else. Hed never treat anyone badly because he doesnt like to hurt people but i often think hes being nice to me just for the sake of not hurting my feelings. i dont want to be a pity case.Hell look at other girls infront of me (which hurts a lot) and even though i know its harmless i dont think hed be doing that if he loved me.He used to compliment me a lot and now he says he wont because i dont take compliments well .Instead he seems to pick out all my bad points and blame me for every argument.Hes already told me if we break up hed be upset for a while and move on . He used to say if we broke up hed b devastated.ill often tell him i look at other guys because hes talking about looking at other girls and i figured saying "the only person i want is you" is stupid seeing as the last time i said that he didnt exactly fill me with confidence by saying if we broke up he could easily date other girls.ive been hurt before and im not willing to go through the same thing .Well go to the movies and instead of waiting for me when the film finishes and holding my hand he walks off and then waits for me.He hates me touching him in the cinema because he misses the film.well go shopping with his friends and hell ignore me .He put me on a bus once and then ran off (2 his m8s)while i was still talking to him making a giant pratt of me.We needed to go to the brook once and he kept trying to hint at me 2 go with my friend instead but eventually came with me.He constantly tells me stories and winds me up and then laughs and says hes joking. he hurts my feeling so much and he cant see it.every sign he gives is that he hates me.i just want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me , loves me and enjoys spending time with me.sometimes he confuses me by asking me what id do if he asked me 2 marry him and that he wants me 2 have his kids.i dont take all that stuff seriously because he jokes around so much im not sure what 2 believe anymore . i just wish hed be straight with me and either end it or explain 2 me why hes been behaving so strangely.
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Postby sarahleigh_1 » Fri Jun 27, 2003 2:03 pm

Hi

Firstly, stop stressing! I know exactly how you are feeling as my boyfriend can be a complete idiot sometimes too. I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Just lately I have been feeling as though he could easily cope without me and that I would miss him more if we were to break up.

When we go to the cinema, he is the same with me. He wont wait for me or hold the door open and he will walk five miles ahead of me when we are shopping! It does get to me too, but I can't help feeling that maybe every relationship is like this. Yeah I admit the spark will fade, but why should they lose the respect for us? I'd do anything for him, but I feel he wouldn't do anything for me. Maybe I am being selfish, I dunno. Just lately though I have begun to question our relationship and whether we actually have anything in common. We hardly have sex which is pretty worrying!

We are in the middle of buying a house together and so I'm hoping we are both just stressed out about everything going wrong. He is living with me at my parents at the moment so it is very cramped and we do argue a lot. Don't think you are the only one being treated like rubbish, but try and make a stand. I have told my boyfriend time and time again, but he never listens. I told him that one day he will be sorry when I meet someone that pays me so much attention and I fall for them. I don't want that to happen, so that's why I was telling him to try and buck his ideas up as it was really upsetting me. We just don't act like a couple at the moment. Who knows what will happen, but I'm not giving up yet!

I think you and I are so insecure that it is driving us insane! Remember, there is no room for jelously in a relationship, so just try to relax more. At the end of the day, you can't make someone love you or want you.
My boyfriend is out tonight down the pub with his mates and is staying round their house. I have no one to go out with tonight, but he is still leaving me all evening and all through the night. That's his choice. I told him I would pick him up but he want's to stay out. If he really wanted to be with me then he stay at mine. So I have learned, you can't try to prevent them doing things. He will more want to stay out if I have a huge problem with it. If your boyfriend decides he wants to break up then it is his loss. he will regret it. Sit tight and see what hapens!

I hope this has helped you.

Sarah
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i guess it did

Postby lovefool » Fri Jun 27, 2003 6:51 pm

thanx it helped a little bit. i have been stressing a bit 2 much l8ly. i know its normal for relationships to turn out this way .My boyfriend is also out with his friends tonight leaving me alone but that doesnt really bother me because i kind of trust him if that makes sense.i guess im just a little insecure.
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Postby mariamaria » Sat Jun 28, 2003 6:29 am

Okay, where to start? First off, you'll probably say that there's no point in me posting this because my boyfriend lives two hundred miles away from me, so I wouldn't understand, but I do, because those sort of things happen when we meet up. I also love my boyfriend and I couldn't picture him being with anybody else. He once told me that he'd like to experiment more with other girls. You know, get a bit more experience in...sexually. I went totally ballistic at him. Then I agreed to let him do it, even though it was really hurting me and everytime I thought of him, I thought "Is he with someone right now?" I realized that that was my fault. I told him how I REALLY felt. That my first reaction was my true reaction and he asked me why I lied. I told him I wanted to make him happy, but that now I had realized that if he loved me, he wouldn't want to hurt me by sleeping around with other women.

This is the guy that I lost my virginity to. He's slept with about two or three other girls, however, he's my first. We're crazy enough to make vows to each other to ensure that we never break up with each other. Most of these vows consist of me listening to him and pleasing him in bed. The pleasing him in bed bit is understandable as, like most guys, he is a big fan of sex. Speaking of sex, we only used to do the missionary position for the first year. Then it got really boring, and my boyfriend desperately wanted to try something different to spice things up, so we tried a different position, and I'm glad we did. Not only did he enjoy it, but I loved it too, and at the time I was starting to hate sex, and the whole act involved in sex, but I really really enjoyed it.

About your boyfriend needing more freedom: my boyfriend wants LOADS of freedom. That's why he only sees me like once a month. This really upsets me as I want him to move closer, or see me more often, but he won't. He's starting university this year, and he wants to work as much as he can this summer, get as much money as he can and move out. Last year, after college, during the summertime, he spend TWO WHOLE MONTHS with me. Can you imagine that? Two whole months living with him. I loved it. I was hoping that that was how it was going to be this year, alas, that is not the case. He's only coming to visit me for a week. He's coming today. He's not even going to be here for my birthday! I get frustrated at him because he wants to move out away from his parents....on his own, without me. He doesn't want to move in with me for a long time yet and he doesn't want to get married until he's at least forty. Also, he said that if I wanted children before he turned forty kind of thing, that I would have to have them by myself. He wouldn't live with me if I had them. He wouldn't marry me. But he'd be around. So I just decided that we'll stop talking about the children thing until I think that I'm actually ready for them. I have arguments with him over being more commited to me by moving in and getting married to me. He doesn't want any of that for a long time, so we're just taking things steadily. Taking one day at a time. Unlike you, however, my boyfriend doesn't confuse me. He does want to be with me for the rest of his life, as he claims to really love me and want to be with me for as long as humanly possible. Until death us do part, if you will.

In my relationship, I'm the one who wants things to back to the way they were in the beginning, as I LOVE the beginning part of relationships. You're always touching each other, and holding each other and kissing each other. You can't keep your hands off each other, but soon, the spark starts to die. The spark died for us when he decided that he wanted to take control of my life. Eventually, I told him enough, and I gained that control back again, but that was where it all went downhill.

Anyway, you just need to ask what's going on in his head. Yes, the spark of a relationship does go after a while, but there has to be some sort of intimacy still there. Ask him to be more committed to you. Ask him if he loves you. I told you about my relationship with my boyfriend so that you can see what kind of stuff I've done, and you can think about steps that you want to take to improve your relationship. I'm forever improving my relationship as I am never satisfied. I'm a perfectionist. So just take things slowly, but get the answers to your questions out of him.

Take care and let me know how things work out. :)
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Postby Lorelei » Sun Jun 29, 2003 11:47 am

I'm not being harsh. It's true that the 'I want to spend every minute with you' phase of a new relationship fades and we all have to accept that, but all three of you are REALLY being taken advantage of! None of you are happy with your relationships and yet all you can think about is giving your boyfriends what they want (i.e. sex, space, etc.) While you're home alone pouring your heart out on the internet, he's gallavanting off into the sunset and doing exactly what he wants to! What about YOUR wants and needs??? And as for Mariamaria's boyfriend, who's decided that he'll only see her once a month! What gives him the right to decide exactly when HE wants to see you? Does he think he can keep you in a box and just take you out and play with you when he feels like it? All of these relationships are HUGELY one-sided and unfair! PLease stand up for yourselves, ladies, you all sound like wonderful, loving people who deserve adoring and attentive partners. Give your men a taste of their own medicine, start calling the shots, leave them home alone and go out and party, tell them that seeing them is inconvenient unless YOU decide when, let them know that you have lives and you're not just sitting around waiting for them! If you do, I guarantee their behaviour will improve and, if not, GET RID OF THEM and let some other poor girls deal with them because you don't deserve this! Best of luck to you all!
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Postby mariamaria » Sun Jun 29, 2003 2:14 pm

You're right. I should, but I can't. I'm an idiot. I mean, my boyfriend decides when he wants to see me. He lives two hundred miles away and he won't move closer to me! I've jeapordized everything with my freaking family for him! My family no longer like me because I'm with him. I am getting sick of this relationship but I can't do anything about it because I made promises and I can't break them. I wish that he would change and stop treating me the way that he treats me.
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promises dont last forever.

Postby lovefool » Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:52 am

just because uve promised him things deosnt mean u have 2 keep to it if its making you unhappy and the situations changed.it doesnt seem like hes keeping his promises to you so why should u keep them to him . Then again i cant exactly talk. Things are a lot better now between me and my boyf and i guess it because ive started not 2 depend on him to much.I just get on with things and leave him be.Hes started calling me more often and telling me he misses me and if he doesnt turn up on time or cancels on me i dont cry and get all emotional or tell him how much time ive wasted getting ready i just ignore him and its worked. now hes mostly on time give or take a few minutes but i can live with that and he hasnt cancelled on me yet at all but then again its early days.since my last post ive seen him a hell of a lot and now instead of fighting we just have fun. we talked a lot of stuff through and it helped coz their was a lot of stuff i do that was bothering him 2.so we worked it out and neither of us thought the other one was totally 2 blame we just accepted what the other person was saying and tried to change the way we were behaving.The only problem i have now (and it isnt major) is that i am sick and tired of girls coming onto him . Its great that hes faithful and i know i can trust him but whenever we go out theirs at least one girl (2 in particualar) trying to hang all over him and im not sure how 2 react . i dont mind him talking 2 girls or being friends with them i just dont like them getting 2 friendly.especially when they blatantly make it clear their intrested.i know hes good looking and that if he wanted someone else he could get them and that hes with me cuz he wants 2 b but my boyfriend sees most of these girls as just friends and even though he knows sum of them like him as more than that he doesnt see anything wrong in talking 2 them (which their isnt) but if one of them starts hugging him and touching him and dancing all over him hell end up walking away but he wont tell them to get off him cuz he doesnt want to hurt their feelings.(bcuz their his friends) but its hurting me and when im standing right next to him and they compltely ignore me it REALLY gets on my nerves.As far as i see it their going to keep trying until their told theirs no chance of them being with him..i dont know how 2 react when im actually with him at the time cuz sumtimes im not sure wether its paranoia cuz of ppl cheatin on me in da past or whether i have a genuine reason 2 be annoyed.
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Postby Lorelei » Mon Jun 30, 2003 6:02 pm

About Mariamaria's boyfriend, I totally agree with lovefool. That situation does not sound healthy, you don't have to keep any vows, they're not legally binding and look after no. 1 (that's you, by the way, not your boyfriend!)

And to Lovefool, I just wanted to say well done! Your mental attitude sounds SO much better and, obviously, it's having the desired effect! I wouldn't worry about girls coming on to him. As long as you keep him on his toes, which seems to be what you're doing with great success, I'm sure things will be fine! Have fun!
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