I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long post!)

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I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long post!)

Postby marley » Fri Oct 24, 2014 6:24 pm


I'm a 36 year old man and I've been married for just over 3 years, forced separated (explain below) for nearly 6 months.

I'd really like some unbiased, neutral opinions on the problems in my marriage, as the issues have gotten so confused that i'm not sure where I stand and I need to make some serious decisions about what I do next.

My wife and I met 5 years ago online. She is quite a strident, opinionated person and thats partly what attracted me to her. She can also be quite selfish and callous, which she freely admits and is unapologetic about, she feels it is an important part of getting on in life. A good example of this is early in our relationship, I quoted the phrase 'Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice' to which she snorted and replied 'you're kidding, right?'. I don't so much see this as a problem in itself, just to give you a view of her general mindset.

There have been many incidents of her getting irritable, grumpy and mean with me over the years, generally with little provocation and most of the time (in my opinion) massively disproportionate. One of the first times was when I dj'd at a local pub, we had finished and I was waiting to get paid and she said she needed to smoke, I said i would wait for her while I talked to a friend and finished our drinks. (I do not smoke, my wife spends a lot of time smoking, it is very important to her, there are times when she 'needs' to smoke, she spends about £40 a week on tobacco). Unknown to me, while she was outside the bouncers locked the doors and wouldn't let her back in, after 10 minutes we realised she hadn't come back and went to look for her, and she was absolutely livid with me for 'abandoning' her and made me feel terrible, I apologised profusely and tried to explain what happened, but she was inconsolable. She later insisted on getting a taxi home from my place at a ridiculous time in the morning, and I had to beg her to stay til morning.

We argue about seemingly nothing and it escalates very quickly. I think i'm a fairly good husband - I adore her, support her and try to put her desires above my own. I don't go out all night with my mates, do drugs, gambling or pursue/flirt with other women. I work (self employed), do my fair share of chores, etc.
When we argue, I often find she can end up doing or saying really mean/outrageous things that sometimes have very little basis in truth (I've never loved her, i'm lazy and don't ever do anything, I never want to talk about things or plan for the future), which really upsets me. She will talk and talk, and if I ever try to say anything I get accused of interuppting to try and put her off her train of thought. I have listened to 10 minute monologues in the past berating me and saying things that are simply not true. Sometimes I get frustrated at this and shout, which makes her really mad. Once things have escalated this far, when I'm getting no sense from her, when I can't say what I want to say, if we end up just shouting at each other I tend to walk away or walk out. Mostly this is because i've been told to f**k off, or to leave, sometimes because I just need to get away as the conversation is going nowhere. Invariably I get endless texts & calls along the lines of 'How dare you walk away you worthless piece of s**t', 'you're a f**king coward and a joke of a man', 'you've never loved me' etc. Usually I come back straight away because this upsets me no end (even though i've usually been told to f**k off minutes before) and the whole nightmare starts again. On the few times i've tried to stay away it has escalated to her threatening to damage my belongings if I don't come back, or worse.

A couple of years ago, we decided to move away from the city we live in. She had told me that she'needed' to, the stress was getting to her, she was getting in arguments with 'rude kids' on the bus, etc. I didn't really want to, as I had built up a very good business doing something I love, but I also wanted to support my wife and I could see she was getting angrier about things in general, and thought a move to thecountry would help and be calming.
Long story short, whilst I initially commuted back and forth (14 hr days) and found some local work, commuting became untenable (I was financially only breaking even for all that work), so set about looking for more local work, which never fully materialised (I was making enough money to live & pay bills, but not really enough for luxuries/holidays/new furniture/decorations/etc) which angered her a lot and we made a mutual decision to move back. She had also been commuting, and had decided she'd prefer to live back in the city.
The move was a nightmare. She had booked a works' holiday on the weekend before the monday which we moved, which apparently could not be changed (she had also decided on the move day, 2 months before the end of our lease, forfeiting our deposit, which I had paid).I spent the whole weekend packing up our house, leaving only her shoes and clothes for her to sort out, as I literally did not have thetime. She was angry about this on her return called me lazy, worthless, accused me of never paying for anything, making her live like a pauper, etc.

So, last xmas, we had been back for 6 months, I had taken a minimum wage job with the idea of rebuilding my business in my spare time. She came home on her last working day before xmas and told me she wasn't happy, hadn't been happy for a long time and that it was my fault. She said I had a couple of months to sort it out, or she'd give me some money to go away. This upset me so much, but I just shrugged it off as I didn't want an argument, but the next day we were discussing something and I joked 'well i'd better behave myself or you'll be sending me away'. She absolutely lost it, telling me I was a bad husband, that I'd never cared for her - and then the big revelation that she'd been having an affair. I saw through this as a lie (there's a distinctive look she gets on her face/eyes when she really wants to hurt someone) and called her out on it. She admitted it was a lie, that it was just to hurt me, but that there was someone at her work who had let herknow that if she weren't married, they wuld be interested, and her 'head had been turned', so I needed to think about how I treated her and sort it out. Understandably upset, I let it go for the sake of a nice xmas (personally, I don'tcare for xmasbut she loves it, and I wanted to do my best to make her happy).

In march, we woke up one morning and she told me she wanted a separation. She had come to resent me and because I couldn't afford the flat on my own, I would have to leave. I was devastated and cried in bed for 3 days, finally going to the Dr to ask him to sign me off work for a couple of weeks to sort my life out. A week later she told me she had made a massive mistake, she didn't want to separate and I could stay. I wanted to quit my job and look for other stuff (it was only a minimum wage job, I didn't like it much, and was embarassed about returning to the job after what had happened), she insisted I go back to the Dr to get another 2 weeks off, which I didn't want to do as I was fine and wanted to get on with things, but we had a weeks holiday booked, and she was worried I wouldn't find a new job quick enough to have money for the holiday, so I reluctantly went back to the Dr.

10 days after the holiday, we had a massive argument, shecalled me a lazy worthless husband, that she should have left me in the gutter where she found me (?), that noboby would ever love me and that i'd die alone, and that she wanted me gone because I was a leech and a burden to her. I left, and got the endless texts (how dare you leave, you've never fought for me or cared about me, etc) and calls, but this time I decided I was done. I called a friend and said I needed a placeto stay.
A week later I got a text saying she had changed the locks on the flat. I called her mother to ask for help as I couldn't speak to my wife, I was so upset about what she had done. I went to our flat and the police were waiting for me and proceeded to beat the s**t out of me. Her statement was full of lies about me (I refused to work, I hadn'tlived ther for 4 months, I was dangerous and unpredictable with a history of mental health problems)

Seeing me assaulted upset her, and she has since said that the police put words in her mouth, she is sorry for what happened and that she wants us to work on our problems, and spoke in my defence in court. Obviously, i'm massively apprehensive and worried, we've met a few times, i've stayedthere a couple of times, we've argued a couple of times, and she says we need to hammer out our problems and weboth need to change if we're going to continue. I'm not sure what to do. She says that when I shout at her or walk away it really upsets her and makes her do silly things. I've always thought of my shouting and walking away as a last resort, when I can't get my point across or the argument has descended into childishness, but she is right, I do shout and walk away.

I'm pretty decided I want out, but need to know, do you think i'm justified? Is the shouting/walking away causing all the problems, and if I somehowfound a way not to do this that things would be better? I don't think so, but I just question my actions and wonder if i'm just seeing things from my own point of view and being selfish, and like she says 'running away from our problems', and 'refusing to fight for our marriage''? I feel i'm being abused and manipulated, and that i'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. She says i'm not being abused, its me thats abusing her by walking away. I just don't know whether to trust my own mind any more.

Long one, I know! Thank you if you're still reading!
Any advice or opinions would be appreciated.
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Re: I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long pos

Postby flashcampbell » Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:37 pm

Personally, she sounds a nightmare. Don't go back
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Re: I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long pos

Postby ToriL87 » Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:14 pm

If someone makes you feel bad and not happy then walk away. Relationships are not always easy, every relationship has difficult patches/ arguments etc. people often say things that they don't mean or that they will later regret, but if someone is constantly making you feel worthless or treating you like rubbish then THEY have a problem and probably do not deserve you.
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Re: I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long pos

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 27, 2014 12:25 pm

If you do want to stay or give it one last attempt then I would only go back after some couples counselling. It sounds like she is very insecure that's why she is the way she is and also why she attacks you the way she does.
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Re: I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long pos

Postby David020549 » Fri Dec 26, 2014 10:31 pm

She set the police on you and you have doubts about walking - run mate as fast as you can.
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Re: I think I have an abusive wife, should I leave?(long pos

Postby sjimoh » Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:19 pm

Women are had difficult that why love keeps us going. I feel you brother, it seems like no matter what you do, you can't win.

As we all know but sometimes don't do, marriage is for better and for worse. May be this is your worst period and from what you've stated here you've been strong and been a good man.

It seems you meet most of her emotional needs that's why she can't let go but personally I think she has got some issues you may want to honestly discuss with some professionals. As far as I am concern you love your wife and you're on the right track by trying with counselling.

The issue at work should be taken seriously and have it sorted now. If you love your wife dearly, you got work on your hand. You will have to fulfil all her most important emotional needs or you're most likely to be heart broken which is the experience I am going through now. But how long can you do that for only you can tell. I thought we love so much nothing could shake us, I am in a deep mess now.

I wish you all the best brother
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