Don't want to be in this relationship

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Don't want to be in this relationship

Postby Sam19 » Mon Nov 03, 2014 2:57 pm

Hi this is going to be quite long so bear with me. I have been in a relationship for 15 yrs with a man who is emotionally abusive. I have been trying to get out of it for the last 5 yrs or so. We have an 8yr old daughter so it's always left easier to stay but it's getting to the point I can't bear it no more. He hates my friends, hates me going to work cos he knows I enjoy it even though it's all females. He calls my family a lot and just need to get my life back. He must know how I feel cos he said he would never move out. It would have to be me even though it's my house. He has severe depression and a bit unstable and I'm really scared about how he would react. I don't want to get my family involved as my partner would turn on them if they stuck up for me. I also have two older children from a different relationship who are 16 & 19. They don't like him much either but I can't just get up and leave.
I only realised that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship about 2 yrs ago so this is all quite new to me and not sure where to go from here.
Also I have another problem. About a yr ago my partner found a new friend, who's married with a daughter who's 11. When I met them they seemed blissfully happy. Anyway, as time went on we got to know them more and done things with the children. About 8 months ago I just looked at our friend ( let's call him dave ) one day and realised I found him really attractive. It hit me really hard as I have never cheated on my partner or even looked at another man. About the same time I noticed dave looked at more a bit more than everyone else. There was a lot of eye contact and smiles. He's always teasing me and we get on so well. I seem to have a lot in common. At the time I just tried to brush it off as friendly flirting but over time it's just got worse, we always end up standing close to each other, there's been some accidental touching and we mirror each other. We have never spoke about this but he gets quite flirty and I do too if he phones and my partners not around. I don't even know if he feels the same and would ever cheat or leave his wife. But he doesn't flirt when she's there so I'm not sure and very confused.
I don't intend to cheat on my partner or don't want to be a home wreaker but what if I am missing out on a really special relationship with dave?? We don't get the chance to talk about what's going on as dave never comes to my house unless my partners in. I don't know if he's struggling with his feelings for me just as I am or hes just a flirty guy but if that was the case he would do it infront of his wife because she would be used to him. He's never cheated either so this is all new to him too.
I know I need to sort out my relationship first before thinking about another but you can't help where your heart is taking you. I just want to hear from anyone that's had a similar problem. Thanks to anyone who's read this right through and to all who replies
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Re: Don't want to be in this relationship

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Nov 04, 2014 4:58 pm

Please go to the citizens advice and see what your options are to get your boyfriend out of YOUR house
You are showing you younger daughter that it's ok to be in this sort or relationship and it's not good.
Do nothing about Dave and give yourself time to heal. If it's meant to be then Dave will happen anyway but I would only go there if he leaves his wife first
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Re: Don't want to be in this relationship

Postby Mrdad » Wed Nov 12, 2014 7:12 pm

Hi, I kind of know how you feel, whilst my partner is not abusive in any way, I do sometimes feel like I'm there more as a worker than a husband. Because of our jobs, I do most of the housework, child care, taking them to clubs etc, and have no time for myself. We also don't have any friends near by, having moved recently. As a result I'm left feeling unloved, and blamed if anything goes wrong. She tends to stress out at the smallest thing, where I just deal with it.
I too have met someone, they are a mum at the school our kids go too, whilst it's just a 5-10 min conversation about stuff, it makes me happy, it might just even be a wave and a smile, or if she comes over to talk to me! I know that as we are both in relationships nothing could happen, but this doesn't stop me thinking sometimes about her. I guess it's an ego boost, someone paying me attention, even if it's not in a sexual way, it's a boost. Perhaps this is wrong ( I did post about this already) but it makes for a better day. But like the advice I was given, how would your partner feel? Does Dave flirt when your partner is there? If so he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. But it's making you feel better, and that's a start. I guess the way you should look at it, is that no matter how you feel you look other people find you attractive, believe me if he's flirting it's because he finds you attractive in someway. But don't act on it. Use it as a catalyst to move on with your life. You are not happy with your partner but there is something stopping you from leaving or ending it? Once you are over that hurdle you will find things will follow. Good luck I hope it all works out for you.
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Re: Don't want to be in this relationship

Postby Sam19 » Fri Nov 14, 2014 7:24 pm

I know I should be thinking of how my partner would feel but to be honest I'm not. I'm past caring how he feels, he's trampled over my feelings for years and have just completely detached from him. I don't want to start an affair because I don't want to be that type of person but I would love to know if me & dave could ever at some point be more than friends. I feel such a strong connection with him that I haven't felt before. I really don't want to pass up an opportunity to by properly happy and at ease with someone but then I know that even if I waited over a year to get into a relationship with him after I had separated from my partner he would still go mad but at the same time he would go mad even if it was someone he didn't know, it's just sooo confusing. I hope your situation with your wife improves. But sometimes we just hold onto the past out of loyalty and easiness. I work in care and see lots of old people who wish they'd done this or done that and they all say you should do what makes YOU happy. And who knows best than old people who are staring death in the face and know we only get 1 chance at life. Thanks for replying
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Re: Don't want to be in this relationship

Postby Mrdad » Wed Nov 19, 2014 4:18 pm

From a guys perspective, if Dave is only flirting when his wife is not there, the chances are he does like you as more than a friend! It's a horrible feeling not being able to be with the person you want, I learnt that the hard way before I was married, it's scary when you know what you want but can't do anything about it, but sometimes we just need to make that step! It's perhaps easier when there aren't younger kids involved as you feel a loyalty to them even if other things don't seem to be going right. But I understand wholly how being made to feel appreciated by someone else can get confused as more, the last few days I've tried not talking to this lady, and I feel terrible, especially as it's likely she is just being friendly and has no feelings at all for me. As for Dave if you really want to find out how he feels, perhaps you need to bring the conversation round somehow. I was talking to this lady about how I'd like to have time to myself and she said 'just pack a bag and go away for a few years ' I should've said yea where shall we go? Then laughed like it was a joke. Perhaps if he talks to you you could do the same, maybe 'why can't all guys be like you' cheesy as it sounds it's a start! But like you said not that you'd cheat with him, but maybe he too is looking for a way out? Or is unhappy, it's difficult, to know what is right.
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